A Real Family of Her Own
by krazi4TwiSaga
Summary: Bella, haunted by her past, has never trusted men, decides to become a mom by In Vitro Fertilization.Edward is a pediatric specialist suffering from a tragic loss of his own, closes himself off to everyone , including his 7 year old daughter.Angst/Hurt
1. Prologue

Well Guys and Dolls,

Here´s a peak at the new story, as promised. I hope you´ll give it a chance to grow and take shape. And for all my FtLoD readers and fans, it will update bi-weekly as usual, so don´t think I´m going to leave that one alone! See you at the bottom...

**Beta'd by: Jdonovan09, famaggiolo, and ivoryhairbela... you ladies are amazing and I couldn´t do it without you... even when you bust my chops, Iza! A million and one thank you´s!**

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN TWILIGHT OR ANY OF ITS PHENOMENAL CHARACTERS. NO COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT INTENDED...**

**Beta'd by: Jdonovan09, famaggiolo, and ivoryhairbela... you ladies are amazing and I couldn´t do it without you... even when you bust my chops, Iza! A million and one thank you´s!**

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN TWILIGHT OR ANY OF ITS PHENOMENAL CHARACTERS. NO COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT INTENDED...**

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><p><strong>Prologue Song<strong>: **More Than Life by: Whitley**

**Belief in the breeze,**

**The smoky morning haze.****The sun on her face,****and the touch of lovers' hands.****The pain that comes today,****Is here, then goes away.****And we are homeward bound,****And I,****I want this more than life,****I want this more than life,****I want this more than life.****To touch something real,****Will help your wounds heal,****Like the sun on your face,****The dreams of starry nights.****And we are homeward bound,****And I,****I want this more than life,****I want this more than life,****I want this more than life...****I want this more than life.**

A Real Family of Her Own:

Prologue

BPOV

I paced or rather waddled the length of my living room, feeling like an angry lioness that needed to protect her cub. Today, his bullshit excuses stopped; I was determined to get him to open up to me. And I wasn´t opposed to kicking his beautiful ass to get him to do it if I had to.

He was hiding something from me, and although I´d yet to tell him all the things that happened in _my_ past - my ghosts only haunted me. They weren´t hurting anyone else; not yet anyway. I thought as I rubbed my very large stomach. This wasn´t the first time we´d had this discussion, if that´s what you wanted to call it. And just like all the other times, I was hoping, no praying that it would be a start to the last.

If I had a hundred dollar bill for every time we´ve had this argument over the last three months, I´d be a fucking millionaire. Countless times I´ve asked myself, why do I bother? But the answer was that I owed it to the beautiful little girl who was currently tucked away in my childhood bedroom that she had so stubbornly claimed as her own; even going as far as to have her Nana redecorate it, so that everyone would _know_ it was hers. _Her words not mine!_

McKynzie Elizabeth Cullen, with her expressive clover green eyes, had single-handedly stolen my heart in a way that I never knew was possible. In the last three and a half months, I´d come to love this little ball of fire just as much as the one I had growing inside my belly. The two of them were definitely going to be a handful; I could already tell.

McKynzie was the reason that I was presently glaring at this beautiful jackass, tugging at his hair nervously, as he too paced frantically around my living room. The tugging was his trademark sign that he was feeling caged in. I knew the signs all too well, because I had a similar nervous habit when it came to biting my lip. "Edward," I huffed for what seemed like the umpteenth time. "Why won´t you talk to me? I thought we were friends?"

"Damn it Bella, that´s not fair and you know it." he barked, resembling a bitter caged wild animal. "I´m closer to you than my own family. I... I... I just can´t! Please, don´t push; let it go. I´m begging you." His voice was so small at the end that it was barely audible.

He needed help and badly. Whatever secrets Edward was keeping locked away inside of himself, were literally eating him alive. In just the short time that I´d known him and Mac, he´d managed to pull away from her even more. She was spending more and more time hiding away at my house than at her own.

At first I thought it was because her father worked so much and didn´t have a lot of free time to spend with her. But imagine my surprise when I learned that he was purposely avoiding her. I tried to stay out of it, not wanting to be a nosy neighbor; until one night I woke up to go to the bathroom, only to find a warm little body pressed up against me.

Not knowing what to do, I just let her sleep; hoping that with the morning would come understanding. I made sure to set my alarm to wake up before Edward would miss her and try to get some answers to the ever growing mystery that was Edward and McKynzie Cullen.

They were nothing like the happy people that Esme spoke so fondly of. No, these twowere scared of something, and whatever it was, it ran so deep that it was tearing them apart. When I asked Edward about Mac´s mysterious appearance in my bed, he simply brushed it off as one of her ever recurring nightmares.

He told me it was nothing to worry about and that he would make sure it didn´t happen again. Imagine my surprise when after the tenth time it happened, he was still giving me the same lame ass excuse. To keep anything from happening to her at night, I just started inviting her to sleep over. Lord knows I could use the company.

I shook my head in an attempt to clear my scattering thoughts. "Edward, listen," I said in a much softer tone. "I know firsthand how hard it can be on a child to _not _feel the love of their parents, my childhood was less than stellar. But what I don´t understand is, why you insist on pushing Mac away? I know you love her. More than that _she_ knows you love her! I can see it in your eyes, every time you look at her." I moved a bit closer and took a chance by touching him. It took every bit of my resolve not to react to the electrical current that pulsed through my veins each time we were in close proximity. Ironically, that current tripled in its force when we´re touching.

I gripped his bicep lightly, "Edward, please, let me help you. It´s never as bad as it seems. Let me in. Tell me what happened... please." I begged. "I can't stand to see you hurting; it´s killing me to watch you like this. I care about you Edward, both of you..." I let my words trail off, because the look that passed across Edward´s face at my declaration could only be described as lethal.

Gone was the vulnerability and pain from before, only to be replaced with a mask of incredulity; I had never seen him this upset before. Mentally, I tried to figure out what it was I could have possibly said to garner this type of reaction. His eyes narrowed as he wretched his arm from my grasp.

I could feel the loss of his warm skin against mine; and instantly, I was left longing for the feeling of completion that came along with touching him. My eyes shifted to his as he pinched the bridge of his nose; I could tell he was fighting not to lose control, but in the end it was too much, and he lost the battle.

"You don´t fucking care about me!" he roared. "You know nothing about me! You have no idea what I´ve been through. What I´ve done!" He pulled angrily at his bronze locks, as the harsh words fell from his lips. He was so angry, his beautiful green eyes has turned bitter and cold.

My ever present need to make all things right in his tumultuous world and self-preservation were warring inside me. I knew that I was walking a fine line, but for some reason I couldn´t walk away. Whether I wanted to admit it or not, I was falling in love with Edward Cullen. Admitting that even to myself, was literally scaring the shit out of me. If anyone knew firsthand how love had the power to break you... _it was me_.

"Edward, listen to me," I pleaded. "It´s not that bad. Everybody makes mistakes, but you will_ not_ convince me that you´re a bad person. I _know_ you Edward! I _know_ you´re a good person. And nothing you say or do is going to make me believe otherwise!" I reached out my hand to touch him again, but my movements were halted by two strong hands slamming mine to my sides. I was rendered immobile.

"Don´t fucking touch me, Bella!" he sneered viciously. My heart began to beat rapidly in my chest. _Who the fuck was __this man! And what had he done with Edward! _ I had never seen him so angry before, this was really scaring me. As if he could smell my fear, he sneered, "I told you, you _don´t_ know anything about me. I don´t need you to fucking care about me either. I´m not some nut case that you need to over-analyze. _Nor_ am I a fucking character out of one of your shitty little books, Bella." I jolted at the cruelty of his words as if I´d been slapped; I couldn´t believe he would say something like that to me.

Edward was the only one, besides Jake and Leah, who knew that I was a writer. I couldn´t believe how hurtful he was being. Unbidden, the tears began to fall; he was no different than the rest of them. He didn´t care about me. He just wanted to break me and where the rest had all tried and been unsuccessful, he succeeded. He succeeded in dealing the last blow to my already fragile heart. "Just go." I said shakily, not recognizing my own voice. By now the tears were coming in a torrent; I was still in shock over his hurtful words.

In a voice much softer, but void of emotion Edward spoke, "I´m sorry Bella; I never meant for any of this to happen." The roar in my ears was so loud that I could barely hear him speaking. "I let this go on long enough. You´re just not good for me. I promise that McKynzie won´t be bothering you anymore." That got my attention. Edward could be a bastard if he wanted to, but he couldn´t take Mac away from me.

"What are you talking about? Mac doesn´t _bother_ me." I said nastily. "I love that little girl as if she was my own. This is between you and me, Edward. Don´t bring her into this." I could tell by look in his eyes that his resolve was set and there was absolutely nothing I could do or say to make him change his mind. My stubbornness and constant need to make things right had cost me both of them.

"It doesn´t matter," he snapped. "I´m taking her to Seattle to stay with my parents. I´m leaving in the morning to head up a clinical study at Chicago Children´s hospital, and I´ll be gone all summer." I knew that he was leaving, but it hadbeen decided that she would stay with me, at least until the baby came. "What? Why? I... I thought she was..." I never got a chance to finish my sentence, because Edward was already speaking.

"Isabella, McKynzie is _my_ daughter, do not presume you know what is best for her. I will do what _I _think is best for _my_ daughter." Without so much as a backward glance, Edward began climbing the stairs two at a time in search of his little girl.

In shock from the brute force of his words, I couldn´t bring myself to move. I was rooted in place by the weight of losing my little girl. _Your little girl? _My conscience questioned with a bit of nastiness. _ She is not nor has she ever been yours! The sooner you realize that, the sooner you can move on from this fairytale existence you´ve been living! We don´t need anyone! We have __what we want, the baby will be here soon and the Cullen´s will only be a memory! Get your head out of the fucking clouds and concentrate on your son!_

My conscience was right, it never failed. When I let people in they either hurt me or they died, leaving me alone. I let Renee in and not only did she hurt me, but she let everybody else hurt me too. I let Sue and Charlie in and they both hurt me by dying and leaving me here all alone to fend for myself. I let Carlisle and Esme in and they got too busy. And now, it was happening all over again, but this time the force of what was happening was too much for me to handle.

I watched in a haze as Edward carried a kicking and screaming McKynzie down the stairs. "No Daddy!" She screamed and pounded her little fists into his back. "I want to stay with Belly. I don´t want to live with Nana and Papa. Please Daddy, don´t make me go!"With each one of her shrill cries, my heart broke just a little more.

Her words were not lost on me, surely she meant that she didn´t want to spend the summer with her grandparents. "It´s okay, Sweetheart, you´ll be back before you know it." I said through my own tears. I knew it was wrong of me to assume, but I just wanted to take away some of her pain.

Edward shot me another death glare, as if I´d spoken out of turn. "Don´t make her false promises, Bella. There´s a good chance that she will remain with my parents for the school term. It´s still up in the air, but be that as it may, I´m selling the house. I haven´t decided where yet, but McKynzie and I will be moving. I promise to never bother you again. It´ll be as if we never existed." He spoke all these words without bothering to look me in the eye.

Not taking into consideration the pair of young impressionable ears that were listening, I allowed my anger to get the best of me. "Fucking coward!" I yelled at his back. "At least be man enough to look me in the eye as you steal my daughter away from me!" It took a moment to register what I´d said, but was too late as my hand abruptly covered my mouth. The words had already left my lips and it would be impossible to take them back.

I watched as Edward slowly turned to face me, and for a brief moment, I saw all my hurt mirrored back at me through his eyes. All too soon it was gone, and the angry emotional asshole was back. "Good bye, Isabella," he smirked evilly. "Take care of _your son_." The way he spat the words _your son_ at me said that he was telling me in a roundabout way that I had no claim on his daughter. _And he was right!_ Turning on his heels, Edward headed out the door and out of my life, taking my heart and soul with him.

I watched frozen, as he carried McKyenzie home and out of my life... for good. Her beautiful bronze ringlets stuck to the massive overflow of giant teardrops streaming down her angelic face. Her pain caused my heart to constrict to the point where I thought I was suffocating. My ears burned as I could still hear her feeble cries. "Da-da-d-daddy... pa-pa-pah-lease," she hiccuped only to have her cries fall on deaf ears. "I-I-I wanna stay with Belly. Please Daddy?" Edward moved with the finesse of the Tin man, he had checked out and was now running on auto pilot.

Willing my feet to move, I drug myself onto the porch; screaming, pleading, begging for him to come back. He had to actually fight with Mac to get her into the car. The sheer will and determination of that little girl was amazing. Watching them battle for dominance, my breathing began to increase. I was no longer in control of my own body.

No matter how hard I tried, I couldn´t pull enough air in my lungs to sustain me. My vision blurred and my body began to sway. Panic set in, I was slowly losing control. I clawed at my throat trying futilely to get the air to flow. I managed to get out a strangled sob that sounded miles away to my ears.

I smiled ruefully, as I heard the sweet voice of my baby girl floating in the distance. "Bella," she cried.

_I´m here! _

_Mommy´s here baby girl! _

Those were the last thoughts that flowed through my head before everything went black.

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><p>Well there you have it. I know that Edward seemed like a bit of an ass, but in his defense he´s been through a lot, which will be revealed along the way. Leave me some love and let me know what you guys thought of it.<p>

Thanks a millions! Without you there would be no me!

Laterzzz:)

Krazi

xoxo


	2. Chapter 1: The Start of a New Life

Thank you all so much for your reviews and for taking the time to check out the new story. I know that you all have mixed feelings about Edward, but both he and Bella are carrying years of emotional baggage, which will be revealed along the way. Thanks again for giving me a chance and here´s the next chapter! See you at the bottom!

**Beta'd by: Jdonovan09, famaggiolo, and ivoryhairbela... you ladies are amazing and I couldn´t do it without you... even when you bust my chops, Iza! A million and one thank you´s!**

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN TWILIGHT OR ANY OF ITS PHENOMENAL CHARACTERS. NO COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT INTENDED...**

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><p>A Real Family of Her Own:<p>

Chapter 1

The Start of a New Life...

BPOV

I taped the last of the small boxes closed, filled with various knickknacks I wanted to take, and breathed a sigh of relief. I was finally finished packing the few boxes and luggage that I had to take with me.

They would soon be loaded into my car by the building´s concierge, Embry, and then I would be on my way to Forks, to start a new chapter in my life.

I was returning to my childhood home three and a half hours up the highway in Forks, Washington. I had made several trips back and forth from Seattle to Forks, since my decision to move, so I only had a few things I would be taking with me today.

I would definitely miss being in the heart of the city, but since I own my condo and the entire building for that matter, I could come back anytime I wanted to. Not to mention, I was owner and CEO of one of 5th largest publishing companies in the United States, Stradford House, which was located in the downtown Pike Market district. I would still have to return to the city for various meetings and work related issues.

Now that things had changed and my life was no longer my own, the big city wasn´t where I wanted to be. Though it was once the very bane of my existence, the tiny town of Forks, was just what I needed. The intimacy of small town life.

Where everybody knows everybody and on cool summer nights it was okay to leave the front door open to enjoying the cool breeze long after the sun went down. A place where the neighbor' s didn´t mind being friendly and lending a helping hand.

Forks was a place where people either lived their entire lives, or moved to get away from the city to raise there families. Either way, you were a lifer. Once you were there, you rarely moved away. So with of the exception of the new family to the right of Charlie´s, I knew all my neighbors.

They had been a blanket of support when Sue passed and again three years ago, when I´d lost Charlie.

Unfortunately, I hadn´t had a chance to meet my new neighbors on the few trips I´d recently made, since each time I visited they were nowhere to be found. From what I'd heard, they were nice and pretty much kept to themselves.

He was the new pediatric specialist over at Forks General, and I wasn´t sure what his wife did, but I´d heard that they had a very mischievous little girl; she´d been known to get into trouble every once in a while.

I would make it my business to bake a batch of my special chocolate chip cookies and go over to introduce myself, once I got settled in. Maybe if I showed the little rascal a little kindness, she would be quick to unleash any of her shenanigans on me. _Keep dreaming!_

__ArFoHo__

The sounds of Annie Lennox´s soulful voice singing _Sweet Dreams_, wafted through the Bose sound system that was wired to be accessible from every room in my plush condo, while I moved from room to room - as gracefully as I could in my condition - making sure that I wasn´t forgetting anything.

Like I said, it wasn´t like I couldn´t come back if I forgot something, this was my little piece of paradise and would always be home to me. Since it had been my first big purchase and my sanctuary for the past 9 years, I´d spared no expense in making my condo exactly what I wanted.

It was actually one of three big purchases that I´d initially made after my first book went to the top of the New York Time´s Bestsellers list; the other two were my baby, a white Audi Q7 SUV and the next was a gift for Charlie, a LUHRS small fishing yacht with a nice sized salon. It was complete with fully equipped master suite, just in case he and his fishing buddies, Billy Black and Harry Clearwater, wanted to spend the night on the water.

Compared to the way I grew up and my lack of interest in all things glitz and glamour, I´d say my condo definitely deserved a spot on MTV´s hottest cribs. From the warm browns and golds of the of my twenty thousand dollar living room furniture, to the massive Jacuzzi bathtub and separate shower that could easily fit four in my state of the art bathroom, to the beautifully stained antique oak California king-sized sleigh bed that was in my bedroom, all of it was of my choosing and it didn´t matter to me how much it cost; for the first time in my life, I was finally doing something for myself... _and it felt damn good doing it._

As soon as the sale of my condo was complete, I wasted no time in contacting the famous Chicago interior designer, Esme Cullen, to decorate and redesign my new home. As luck would have it she´d just relocated to Seattle from the Chicago area and I would be her first client in the Pacific Northwest. To say I was excited was an understatement.

During the 9 months it took her to finish my condo, Esme and I had become really close friends. You could almost say she was like a second mom to me. Our relationship served to fill a void in both of our lives; her children were away at college and the only real mother I´d known had passed away years ago.

It had been almost 15 years since I´d last seen my biological mother and my step-mom Sue, who I was close to, or as close as I let anyone get to me, had passed away from uterine cancer before I finished high school. Though I was an old soul, I was still quite young and could really use a maternal figure in my life; Esme Cullen was without a doubt an amazing mother.

She and her husband Carlisle had three children, two girls and a boy; from what she told me, they were a really close knit family. Two of their children were still living in Chicago, both attending Northwestern University and their son, was married and living on the east coast finishing up medical school. She was hoping that he would move his family to Seattle and follow in his father´s footsteps and specialize in pediatrics.

Esme, being the wife of a world renowned pediatric oncologist, understood just how hard it was to raise a child alone, while your husband struggled through his residency. She and Carlisle had their oldest while he was completing his residency, so she spent a lot of time alone due to Carlisle´s crazy hours at the hospital.

Because her son was such a child prodigy, who had graduated from prep school at the age of 16, he was guaranteed to graduate at the top of his class. Carlisle had already secured him a spot in Virginia Mason Medical Center´s upcoming residency program. If he decided to make Seattle his new home, he would already have a leg up on the competition.

I never got a chance to find out if he took the job or not because, sadly, once my condo was finished and the news spread like wildfire that Esme Cullen, the design phenomenon, was now living in Seattle, work for her began to pick up and we lost touch.

I was lucky if I got to see her once or twice a year now, and even that was only in passing. Though we remained in contact via email or the occasional phone message, visits were few and far between.

I too took on a more hectic work schedule when I had my second novel hit the New York Time´s best sellers list within a week of its release; there was already talk of making _Through a Killer´s Eyes _into a movie. Even though I wrote under the pseudonym of Mary Higgins Watson, my paternal grandmother, I still had my fair share of work to do.

Between finishing up my degree, writing my monthly column for Elle magazine and starting on a new novel, while secretly promoting another - my life was a continued blur of activities.

My editor and honorary godfather, Demetri Volturi, loved to set up as many phone interviews as possible, stating that there was no harm in letting the world hear my beautiful voice. _ I digress!_

_It was a small price to pay to keep my anonymity._

In the beginning, I started out writing short stories and nonsensical articles for a couple of small magazines, just as a way to earn some extra cash during college, without the burden of falling behind in my studies. Writing had always been my form escape, so to do it _and_ get paid... I was in my element.

It was actually my creative writing professor, Dr. Maggie Wade, who convinced me to try my hand at a novel. I had won several literary awards on campus and at national levels; Maggie really believed in my work. Being the extremely shy and introverted individual that I was, my first response was to say, "no way, no how, no chance". But when she informed me that I could write under an assumed name and my identity would remain a secret as long as I wanted it to, I decided to give it a try.

It took me 3 months to write my first novel and you had better believe that I was shitting my pants when I handed it to Dr. Wade for her to proofread. I gave it to her on a Friday afternoon and she returned it to me without so much as one word, on Monday morning. Let´s just say that was the longest fucking weekend of my life.

Scared shitless by what she could have possibly said, like the coward I was, I waited until I was finished with class for the day, showered, had dinner and crawled into bed, before opening the manuscript with trepidation. I nearly had a heart attack when I read her note on the first page.

It was a date, time, address and a phone number to call and confirm my meeting with Demetri Volturi, editor as well as senior vice-president of Volturi Brothers Publishing. She also informed me that as payback, I had to gift her the first autographed copy fresh off of the press. Let´s just say when I called Charlie to give him the news; it took him 20 minutes to calm me down so that he could find out what my problem was.

Charlie had no idea how much I loved to write, but that didn´t stop him from driving up to Seattle in his one good suit that was just a bit too snug, and hold my hand as we entered the offices of Volturi Brothers Publishing to meet with Demetri. I would later learn that Dr. Wade was engaged to Demetri´s nephew Felix, and he was already a fan of my work.

After Charlie´s attorney, Jason Jenks, the man my dad trusted to get him sole custody of me and revoke any parental rights that Renee had, hammered out the contract, the deal was signed.

The one ironclad clause that could not be changed, unless I decided to change it, was the fact that my identity would never be revealed. Demetri would always handle all my edits and under no circumstances was I to deal with anyone else in the company.

Demetri believed that I was a diamond in the rough, and he had no problems going along with my stipulations. No later than two months after my initial meeting at Volturi, my first book,_ Through Crying Eyes_ was on shelves all across America.

Not two days later Dr. Wade pulled me from my English lit class to tell me that I´d made it to the NY Time´s Bestsellers list; it was September 13th, the day of my 19th birthday. Mary Higgins Watson was an overnight sensation, and I owed it all to a lady by the name of Heidi Banner.

__ArFoHo__

It all started my junior year of high school, when my therapist, Dr. Banner, suggested that I use journaling as a form of therapeutic release. Sue´s cancer diagnosis during the second half of my sophomore year, and her untimely death as I entered my junior year of high school, was the catalyst caused me to have to finally face my demons and seek medical attention.

In the back of my mind, I knew that Charlie hated to do it, but the dreams were becoming unbearable, and there was no telling what would have happened to me had he not taken me to see Dr. Banner.

I´d always had a problem opening up about my feelings, and the trust issues I´d developed due to the abuse I´d suffered over the years, wasn´t helping matters either. I´m just glad that Charlie never knew how much I really suffered before I came to live with him.

So, I used my journal and the power of words to help release the pain. Eventually, my journals became an escape from reality for me, and since I never forcibly had to share them with anyone; I found myself lost in fantasy and sometimes writing for hours. My writing became only second to my passion for reading. Bella and books always seemed to go hand in hand; you very rarely saw one and not the other.

Charlie, my dad, was the chief of police of the tiny town of Forks, Washington. He was gone all hours of the day and night. His wife Sue took care of me and always treated me as if I was her own flesh and blood, right up until the day she died. Sue´s children, Seth and Leah, were much older than me and I´d only met them a couple of times, but they seemed like nice people.

Sue use to spend hours with me in the kitchen, always stating that the way to a man´s heart was definitely through his stomach and if I wanted to keep my husband happy, I had to always have a good hot meal on the table. _Little did she know that didn´t apply to me! _I could only count on one hand the number of men I trusted and they were either too old, too young, or already married, so like I said, _that didn´t apply to me!_

But if the way that Charlie came home and ate everything that wasn´t nailed down was any indication, then Sue was absolutely right. Since coming to Forks, Sue had always been there for me but she never poked or prodded trying to get me to open up, she had always just let me be and for that I would forever be grateful.

I think that´s why I took her death so hard, there weren´t many good things in my life to begin with so I was angry with God when she was taken away from me, because Susan Swan, was most certainly a good thing.

After Sue died, it really hit me just how alone I was, aside from Dr. Banner, I never shared my problems with anyone. I had perfected the art of suffering in silence. I was ahead of my years in school and I only had one friend, Angela Weber, the Baptist minister´s daughter, she was a couple of years older than me but we seemed to have a lot in common.

We spent a fair amount of time studying and hanging out together, but not even she knew about the demons that plagued me when I slept. The monsters that haunted my dreams were real and I thank God every day for Charlie coming and rescuing me from my own personal hell.

Now they were just bad memories that haunted my nights. No matter how dark and dreary the night was, the sun would always bring about a new day. So that small glimpse of hope continued to get me through.

I´d come to live with my dad when I was twelve, after it was discovered that I had been abandoned by my poor excuse of a sorry ass mother. The landlord, Mr. Clover, who I´d seen a couple of times in passing, came by one day to kick us out and lock up our apartment because Renee hadn´t paid the rent in almost 2 months.

For Renee, this was actually doing well, we´d been living in this rundown excuse of an apartment in Phoenix, Az. for the last 6 months, and that was the longest that I could ever remember us staying in the same place. Little did Mr. Clover know that I hadn´t seen my mother, and I use the term loosely, in almost 3 weeks, during which time; I had been doing my best to fend for myself.

I had never missed a day of school and still managed to keep up with my grades in the accelerated program I was placed in, despite my less than stellar home life. I was a bit rough for the wear and slightly malnourished when he found me, but I would never be able to repay Liam and Siobhan Clover for taking me in and keeping me from becoming a ward of the state until they could track down Charlie and he was able to send for me.

Thankfully, I at least knew who my father was and where to find him, even if I hadn´t seen him in over 8 years. I was a bit apprehensive about going back to Washington but he and Sue welcomed me in with open arms and I never looked back.

I made it a point to keep in touch with the Clover´s after I moved to Washington, sadly though, Liam passed my senior year of high school and Siobhan, two years later. They were wonderful loving people, who loved children, but were never blessed with any of their own.

Renee, my scatterbrained and flighty mother, had left Forks and my father behind when I was 4 years old; why she took me along for the ride, I´ll never know. I would later learn that she´d only left a note saying that she was feeling smothered in that god forsaken small town and she needed more, so she was taking me and moving on to bigger and better things.

Apparently, some guy she met at the local truck stop had been her bigger and better; at least for the first 3 months, until she needed something bigger and better than him. It was obvious after countless cities and countless men that she was never going to find her _bigger _and _better_. _Too bad I´m the one who had to fucking suffer!_

_Hey, at least the bitch left Charlie a note; she left me high and dry with 5 packages of ramen noodles!_

_Yeah, I really hate that selfish bitch!_

I remember very little of my childhood, well conscientiously at least, most of it I chose to block out. I suffer from chronic night terrors and my therapist said that the mind would often protect itself by blocking out painful memories. Unfortunately, my mind is only able to protect itself in the day time, at night, not so much.

There were things that happened to me in my past that I never wanted to relive again, but Dr. Banner was able to get me to open up little by little over the years, peeling me back like the layers of an onion. I was now at a point that I no longer blamed myself for all the fucked up things that happened to me in the past.

In some ways, I could say that it helped, my nightmares became less frequent and somewhat manageable, but in others, things remained the same and I would probably die a never been kissed virgin but I was okay with it.

I was even able to stop seeing Dr. Banner. I had come to terms a long time ago, with the fact that some things would never heal and some scars, I would carry throughout the rest of my life.

I´d done well for myself over the years, but none of it really mattered when you didn´t have anyone to share it with. All my life I remembered being lonely, but never truly alone, not until 3 years ago, when my last remaining relative was killed in the line of duty.

After Charlie had been shot during a routine traffic stop, I started seeing Dr. Banner again; she had been my life line when I felt like I was drowning in a sea of misery. After I made it through my grief counseling, I realized that I didn´t have to be alone, unless that was my choice.

With Charlie´s pension, life insurance and a sizable trust he and Sue had set up for me, along with my own money and investments, I had more than enough resources to take care of myself and anyone else I decided to bring along for the ride. That´s when I decided to become a parent.

I was a perfectly healthy young woman and there was no reason why I shouldn´t be able to live out the American dream if I so desired. The first thing I researched was adoption and foster parenting, there were several children out there that just needed someone to love them and give them a good home.

Not wanting to jump on the first train to leave the station, I continued to research and after coming across a website for a cryogenic sperm bank, I decided that _in vitro fertilization_ with donor sperm was the was the route I was going to take, and maybe later on I could adopt. I just wanted to bring a child into this world that would be part of me and continue on the Swan legacy, effectively keeping a part of Charlie alive.

Once I´d gone through all the necessary screenings, testing, poking and anything else they saw fit to do to me at my doctor´s office, I made an appointment at the Seattle fertility clinic and was inseminated with donor sperm.

I hoped it would take and that I would soon have someone to share my life with, no longer having to be alone. That was 5 months ago and it seemed like a long forgotten memory.

I paused to rub my protruding belly, thanking God that I wasn´t going to be alone anymore. In 4 months I would be welcoming my baby boy into this world and I was going to be the best mother a child could ever wish for.

As if to second that motion, my budding little soccer star kicked happily at the palm of my hand. I smiled and cooed softly, while rubbing soothing circles on my belly.

As Embry collected my things and headed towards the elevator, I took one last look around the place that had been my home for the last 9 years and I couldn´t help but feel a bit nostalgic.

I truly was going to miss this place, but then the butterflies of excitement that always began to flutter in my stomach when I thought of my new adventure surfaced, and the nostalgia passed. I closed and locked the door, heading out into the unknown.

_Today would be the first day of my fresh start! Out with the old and in with the new. I couldn´t shake the strange feeling that my life was about to change... drastically! And it had nothing to do with becoming a mom!_

* * *

><p><strong>Okay... let me have it! I can take it! *cringing in the corner* Well now the journey is beginning and we will slowly find out what make thes two tick and personal demons they are struggling with. Until next time, here are of few of the awesome stories that I´m currently reading. Hop on over and check ´em out!<strong>

**Rec´s:**

**Reliquish by: luvrofink**

**Slave to My Heart by luvrofink**

**Healing Moments by Lori 94**

**Sexual Healing by Lori 94**

**Friday´s at Noon by troublefollows1017**

**Crawl by TeamBella23**

**Rubbish by BellaDonnaCullen**

**Okay... those ought to keep you busy until my eminent return! Lol! Laterzzz Peeps!**


	3. Chapter 2: Life After the Pain

Hello everyone,

Thanks again for the awesome support that you´re giving the new story. The pieces will soon start to fall into place to help you understand how the past has effected these two more than they let anyone see. Eventually, they will find away and through it, but until then, try not to be so hard on them, especially Moodward, he´s been through a lot.

**Warning: This chapter shows a bit more of Edward and McKynzie´s relationship and kind of starts to unfold why he is the way he is. This may cause you to hate Edward a bit more at the moment, but know that he´s hurting and has been for years.**

See you guys at the end!

Krazi

**Beta'd by: Jdonovan09 and ivoryhairbela... you ladies are amazing and I couldn´t do it without you... even when you bust my chops, Iza! A million and one thank you´s!**

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN TWILIGHT OR ANY OF ITS PHENOMENAL CHARACTERS. NO COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT INTENDED...**

* * *

><p>A Real Family of Her Own:<p>

Chapter 2

Life After the Pain...

EPOV

It´s always the same dream, almost as if my life is stuck on repeat. I´d long since stopped questioning God about the hand that I´d been dealt; I´d just learned to live with it. It was as if my sub-conscience held on to the dreams, because it couldn´t bear to let her go. To let go, meant that I had to admit that she was gone and never coming back.

_We´re on the beach in the Hampton´s, at my grandparent´s beach house; we´d gone there every summer since we were kids. The sun was bright, so bright that it hurt my eyes and I had to cover them with my hands, squinting to see out towards the water. _

_I smiled to myself as I watch from the shore, a golden blond goddess and beautiful green-eyed little girl running along the edge of the water collecting seashells. The bronze ringlets danced midway down my little girl´s back as she squealed, "Look mommy, I found a nudder one, see!" She thrust the tiny shell at her mother as her face shone with pride._

"_Baby girl, that´s beautiful," Claire cooed softly. "Just a few more and then it´ll be nap time, okay?"_

"_Awww, Momma," Kynzie pouted, "I not sweepy!" She looked adorable as she folded her little sun-kissed arms and looked up at her mother with defiance._

_I chuckled at the display, it was one I´d seen a million times, but it never got old. McKynzie Elizabeth Cullen was definitely her aunt´s niece. As she stomped her tiny foot and marched away, I couldn´t help but be reminded of my little sister. Like her mini-me, Alice Cullen was certainly a piece of work._

_Their laughter could be heard floating through the wind, and there was no sweeter sound, than the sound of my girls enjoying their time at the beach together. Their happiness was what I lived for and it was times like these that I learned to appreciate the life that I´d been given. _

_We were a young family at 25 and 23, with a 2 and a half year old daughter, but we had been through so much at a young age; after suffering so many losses, we finally had our little girl, and couldn´t have been happier._

Though the dream always started full of happy memories of happier times, it always ended the same, with me standing in the freezing cold Seattle rain, underneath a large black umbrella, watching helplessly, as they lowered Claire´s small metal casket down into the cold and wet ground. With each scoop of the soggy earth that they placed on top of her, they buried my heart and my ability to love right along with her.

_Beep... beep... beep..._

The sound of beeping broke me from my reverie, and though I was in bed last night by 9, my body still felt exhausted. These days I ran purely on caffeine and adrenaline.

I reached over sluggishly to turn off the annoyingly loud alarm clock and threw my legs over the side of the bed. I don´t even know why I continue to set the damn thing, it wasn´t like I ever got a good night´s sleep.

It had been years since I´d actually slept more that 4 or 5 hours at a time; and usually, those weren´t consecutive. I sat there with my head in my hands, needing a moment to gain my bearings.

This was a daily occurrence; the dreams always left me feeling drained and a bit out of sorts, so it always took a moment to realize I had to once again face my lonesome reality. This is what my life had become.

When I was sure I could make it without falling flat on my face, I headed into the bathroom to take a shower. As I mechanically washed my hair and body, I couldn´t help but regard my flaccid and lifeless cock.

I was pathetic, a shell of my once vibrant self, I couldn´t even remember the last time I even had a hard-on. Apparently, a lot more that just my heart died along with my wife; my libido had jumped ship as well. _Cullen you are such a pussy!_

_Tell me something I don´t know!_

I finished going through the motions of getting ready for my day and headed down the hall to wake up my sleeping beauty. McKynzie, or Mac, as she insisted on being called, was a bit of a _hellion_, and that was putting it mildly.

Much to the dismay of her aunt Alice, Mac wasn´t your typical little 7 and a half year old girl. She would rather catch frogs and dig for worms as opposed to playing with dolls and having tea parties. Let´s just say, Ali and Mac were like oil and water and we all know how well they mix.

She was fiercely independent and mischievous as hell. My little girl was always getting herself into sticky situations that _I_ had to ultimately get her out of. Very recently she was caught torturing the neighbor´s Siamese kittens, she´d been caught dragging the poor little things around the front yard by her jump rope.

Mac insisted that they were dangerous wild animals and she was taking them back to the zoo. _Yeah, did I mention that she had a very over-active imagination?_

It took me nearly an hour to get poor Mrs. Kimmble to calm down and listen to Mac´s apology. Now whether or not she accepted it was an entirely different story. I vividly remember the scowl that adorned her wrinkled face as she made me promise to keep an eye on my child. God help the poor citizens of Forks, they now had their very own real life, _Dennis the Menace_... complete with overalls and all.

Oh yes, the dreaded overalls, she owned at least twenty-five pairs. Short ones, long ones... blue jean ones, corduroy, ones, you name it, she had it. If it had two buckles and hooked to buttons on her chest... she would wear it.

And to compliment her overall collection, she had just as many pairs of Chuck Taylor´s. She was the bane of my baby sister´s existence. _ Very seldom did they see eye to eye! _

It wasn´t that she didn´t own any dresses or girlie girl clothes, the kid had more fucking shit than I did. The closet in her room and half of the one in the guestroom was filled with frilly dresses, girlie sandals and anything else a little diva princess could dream of, but McKynzie would have none of it.

Last year´s school portraits were proof of that. Every time I pass the awful 8x10 of my beautiful little girl, scowling menacingly at the camera, arms folded and lip stuck out in full pout mode, because my mother dressed her in a bubble gum pink dress and put ribbons in her hair, I didn´t know if I wanted to laugh or cry.

I laugh now, but I´m sure that when she gets older, she´s going to make me cry for not sticking up for her. If it wasn´t so sad, it would have been comical. Claire would kill me, if she were still alive to see what I had allowed our daughter to become.

The only one who ever allowed her to just be was my older sister Rosalie. She insisted that when she was ready, Mac would grow out of it, just like she did. Her advice put me at ease because my sister was a walking, talking... _glamazon_.

Standing flat foot at 5´10¨, with beautiful corn silk blonde hair that cascaded down her back in large bouncy curls and piercing cornflower blue eyes, Rosalie Lillian Cullen-McCarty, could have easily passed for a Victoria´s Secret Angel, but instead was the most sought after classic car mechanic in the Pacific Northwest.

She was the only woman I knew who could do a complete tune-up on a 67 Chevy wearing 6¨ Jimmy Choo pumps. _ What? Dad and I have always been outnumbered! _

I opened the door to my little monster´s room and smiled, not the fake emotionless smile that I reserved for my family and outsiders, but a true genuine smile that actually reached my eyes.

Sadly, it only came out when I took the time to watch her sleep. I traced the lines of sleep on her cheek and pushed the thick bronze curls from her face. Right here, right now, she reminded me so much of Claire.

The way she haphazardly kicked the covers off during the night, hair splayed wildly across her pillow and arms thrown high above her head. My fingers trembled as I ran them across the sliver of skin that was visible where her sleep shirt had crept up during the night.

I skimmed my nose across her baby soft skin, and breathed in the sweet scent of strawberries. I smirked to myself, my baby girl may have been a tomboy, but she still loved to _smell _pretty.

It wasn´t much, but this small insignificant amount of affection was all that I could give. But not even this could fill the emptiness that was inside me. There was a part of me that long to wake up early in the morning with my beautiful baby girl tucked securely at my side, but then there was a more dominant part of me that was nothing but a selfish bastard and didn´t deserve anything but pain. Unfortunately, _he_ was the one controlling my life.

I was expecting today to be a tough one since she was getting a new nanny and would no doubt pitch a fit. She´d managed to single-handedly run off the last five I´d hired, well four; I got rid of Tanya Denali because she was more interested in taking care of me than my daughter. _Skanky_ _whore!_

If my little monster wasn´t putting garter snakes, lizards or frogs into their pockets, she was hiding for most of the day, refusing to eat and reducing the poor women to tears by the time I returned home from work.

Shelly Cope, the new nanny I´d hired, was a nice grandmotherly type lady who happened to be a retired high school English teacher. She was used to dealing with older kids, so I was praying that she would be able to tame my mischievous 7 year old.

Mrs. Cope reminded me a lot of Martha, Mr. Wilson´s wife, complete with grey hair and the handkerchief in her wristwatch. I just hope she´s as fond of McKynzie, as Martha was of Dennis.

"Oh Ladybug," I sang, blowing raspberries into her warm stomach, while she groaned and tried to roll over. "Come on Princess; let me see my favorite green eyes."

"Daddy," she giggled, "Stop it. That tickles." She wiggled and squirmed to life, finally gracing me with the sight of her deep forest green eyes that seemed to sparkle in the morning sun.

She blinked rapidly a few times and stretched her little chubby body languidly. My baby girl was beautiful, with just a little of her baby fat left to shed, she was growing up so fast; and I was missing it.

I buried myself deeper and deeper in my own misery on a daily basis. I was spending more time away from home, hiding behind my work at the hospital. When I was home, I locked myself away in my study, completely ignoring this beautiful little blessing.

My mother had scolded me countless times about my actions, or lack thereof, even going as far as threatening me with a custody battle. That was the worst fight to date that my mother and I ever had and though my father convinced her to back off, I was still too much of a selfish jackass to realize how much I was hurting my daughter by closing myself off to her and the rest of the world.

"Good morning, Ladybug," I whispered stroking her soft cheek. "Did you sleep well?" Sometimes she suffered from terrible nightmares.

My mother and father said it was normal after losing her mother, but not to worry, because she would eventually grow out of them. _I wasn´t convinced._ Not to mention, I felt like it was entirely my fault.

Maybe if I spent more time with her, talked to her more, or did anything to solidify my place in her life, she wouldn´t be so afraid. _ Fuck! _ Who was I trying to kid.

I was doing the total opposite of strengthening our relationship by closing myself off and giving over to the black nothingness that had become my life. The pain of the memories was slowly killing what was left of the old me. Every day I was becoming more of an empty lifeless shell; no longer living, but existing for the sake of doing so.

My parents thought it might help if I talked to Mac about Claire more, but that was out of the question. When I was told that my wife, my reason for existing, only had a few weeks left to live, that very day I began removing any trace of her existence from our little

girl´s life.

I thought it best for everyone if McKynzie just forgot all about her mother and moved on. I thought I was doing the best thing for my daughter by giving her a life without memories of her mother... _a life without constant pain. _

Since I knew firsthand what it felt like for those memories to eat away at my soul day in and day out until it was putrid and black with hate, I thought I was protecting McKynzie by erasing her mother´s memory from her mind. Nightmares aside, I was successful in my mission.

I knew that I was a coldhearted bastard, but I would die before I watched my little girl suffer the way I did; this was the one thing that I could give her... peace from remembering. _Lord knows I had none!_

Claire was raised by her grandmother but she died before Mac was born. My family knew that Claire´s name was never to be spoken in our presence or else they would not be allowed any contact with McKynzie. They knew I would do it too.

There was a time right after Claire died that I took McKynzie and ran. For months Mac and I lived in a secluded mansion on a tiny island off the coast of Port Angeles.

Not wanting to be found by my family or anyone else putting a trace on my credit and ATM cards, I set up a separate bank account in McKynzie´s name with enough money in it for us to live off of for at least a year.

I bought a small yet reliable used car, and left my life and family behind. Due to Claire´s illness I was already on leave from the hospital so I just grabbed Mac from daycare and disappeared.

I stopped by a mail chute on the outskirts of Seattle to drop off a letter that I´d written to my family explaining that I just needed time. Time to grieve. Time to heal. Time to think. Time to just... _be_.

I gave no indication of where we were going, or if and when we´d be back. Like the selfish prick that I was, I took my 3 and a half year old daughter away from her life and all the people who loved her to live together in complete seclusion for nearly 3 months.

_So they knew not to call my bluff!_

During that time on the island, I gradually distanced myself from McKynzie. Every day the invisible line that tethered me to my daughter gained a little more slack, until it was almost as if we were on separate planets.

Don´t get me wrong, my daughter meant the world to me and never wanted for anything. Maybe a father to love her the way she deserved to be loved, but nevertheless I provided all her basic needs except for affection.

After what happened, I couldn´t bring myself to open my heart up to my baby girl for fear of having it broken again, so instead I tried to make her happy by filling the void with material things - even though she never asked for anything.

It wasn´t for lack of trying but I just got this suffocating feeling and a tightening in my chest each time I tried to let my guard down. I couldn´t even remember the last time I had just sat down and held my daughter while she told me about her day. Our contact was minimal at best, and it never lasted more than a few seconds at a time.

These days I found myself cringing at the very thought of touching her. Everything about her was a clear cut reminder of what I´d lost. The older she got, the more I could see Claire shining through her defiant personality.

I was failing her at every turn. Not only would I not hold her when she was happy, but I also I couldn´t bring myself to embrace her while she screamed and thrashed late into the night because she was terrified of unknown monsters. Instead, I just lurked in the shadows, watching like some type of sick freak, offering my little girl nothing in the form of solace or reassurance.

No... I just stood by and did nothing. I foolishly thought that my pathetic silent prayers to whoever could hear me would make McKynzie´s nightmares disappear. I hated myself for not doing anything. It was my job to chase away the monsters, but how could I when _I_ _was_ the monster that needed to be chased away? As much as I loved McKynzie, I just couldn´t let her in. I tugged roughly at my damp hair as the tears I refused to shed burned my tired eyes.

_I was a miserable failure! _

As if she sensed my inner turmoil, McKynzie gave me her signature Cullen crooked grin, "It´s okay, Daddy. I love you." How she could still find it in her heart to love me after the way I treated her was a mystery to me, but as long as she didn´t give up on me, there was still hope us.

Day-in and day-out, I saw countless numbers of children. As a pediatric specialist, it was my job to take care of sick children; I took a Hippocratic Oath for God´s sake. I could perform an appendectomy on a 2 year olds with no problem, but I couldn´t stop my little girl´s nightmares. _I didn´t even deserve to breath the same air as this precious little creature!_

Mac´s chattering brought me back to the moment. "I slept great, Daddy, no bad dreams." she replied a little more animatedly. _No thanks to you dipshit!_ _Ouch that hurt!_ "Today is a special day. Wanna know why, Daddy?" The brilliance of her green orbs had me intrigued, it had been so long since I´d seen her this excited about something.

Her eyes were beautiful; if it wasn´t for the unconditional love that shone through them every single day, no matter how much of a fuck up _I _was, I would have given up a long time ago.

_You need to see a fucking shrink!_

_Tell me something I don´t know!_

I smirked arrogantly at the ever present voice ringing inside my head. A shrink would be ideal, _if_, I would admit that I had a problem. After all, isn´t the first step to getting help, admitting you have a problem?´ Y_eah, good luck with getting me to do that!_

I ignored the ever present ache in my body that wanted me to scoop McKynzie up in my arms and cause her to squeal with delight like I´d witnessed her doing on so many occasions with Emmett and my father.

Rather than act on the impulse, I fidgeted awkwardly with an invisible string on her comforter instead. It troubled me that I couldn´t bring myself to do it. Touching her when she was awake was always the opposite of helpful.

Baby steps, is always what I told myself, there was a time when I couldn´t even touch her in her sleep. So for me to caress her warm baby soft skin this morning was certainly progress. I ran my hands agitatedly through my hair, needing something, anything to use as a diversion.

"I´d love to hear all about it, but can you tell me over breakfast? Mrs. Cope will be here in about an hour and I´ve got to get ready for work."

Thankfully, it was Saturday; this meant no school and one less argument I´d have to have with my stubborn daughter. She wasn´t very fond of her uniform and didn´t mind saying it. So any day we don´t have to fight about it is definitely a good day.

Though I was left in a momentary stupor at her words, Mac went right on talking as if we hadn´t just shared a semi-awkward moment. That and the fact that she didn´t even acknowledge Mrs. Cope immediately sent up a red flag in my brain.

I´d just told my little girl that her new nanny would be here in less than an hour and she hadn´t thrown a fit, cried, or anything for that matter. Of course being the worrywort that I am, I panicked. Placing my hand on her forehead, "Mac, sweetie, are you okay?" I asked hesitantly.

My rambunctious little lady looked at me like I´d grown a second head. "I´m fine, silly," she laughed swatting my hand away. "I´m just excited that´s all," she beamed, giving me her signature silver and _toothless_ crooked grin.

I´ll be so glad when her front teeth come back, she looks so funny with sliver caps on her eye teeth and the front ones missing. I chuckled to myself and tuned in to what my daughter had to say. "Jakey told me yesterday that the pretty lady that used to live next door will be here today. She´s gonna be living there now!" she exclaimed. "Ain´t that great, Daddy? She´s gonna be my new best friend and I´m gonna help her with her new baby."

I looked at my daughter, who was nothing more than an adult trapped in a child´s body and shook my head. How in the world did she know so much? I didn´t even know someone was moving into the old Swan place. It had been empty since we´d moved in 2 years ago.

I´d always admired the beautiful Victorian style home that once belonged to the town ´s former chief of police. Regretfully, Chief Swan had been killed in the line of duty before McKynzie and I came to Forks but I had only heard good things about him.

I had never had the pleasure of seeing the inside of his home, but I knew it was nothing short of spectacular, since my mother had been the one to do the renovations. _Esme Cullen was the queen of the design world!_

The story was that my mother became quite fond of the Chief´s daughter after doing some work on her condo when she and dad first moved to Seattle. I remembered when I was in medical school how my mother used to go on and on about a very special young lady that had become like a third daughter to her and my father.

She always joked about us meeting our long lost sister, but by the time Claire and I moved to Seattle, things were a bit hectic. Mom´s business had taken off, dad was busy running the hospital, and I was overwhelmed with a toddler and a sick wife at home as well as the start my residency.

The next time I heard anything about the mysterious Swan girl; it was when my mother and father attended Chief Swan´s funeral. By then, I was already dealing with my own grief and had shut the world completely out of my life.

Jacob Black, or Jakey as McKynzie had affectionately dubbed him, was the son of Chief Swan´s best friend Billy Black, they were part of the small Native American tribe down in La Push about 15 miles up the road from Forks.

Jacob came by twice a week to keep up the lawn and air the stuffiness out of the house. I, unfortunately, had the pleasure of meeting him under not so great circumstances.

McKynzie, _being McKynzie_, almost gave me a heart attack one day when I caught her riding on the back of a giant Native American man in the backyard of the empty Swan house next door.

_I´d just gotten home from a stressful day at the hospital, when I was bombarded by Mrs._ Crowley... _Mac´s latest victim at the time. _

"_Dr. Cullen, Dr. Cullen," she cried. "I´m so sorry... I´m so sorry..."_

_I had no idea what had her so upset, but when she started apologizing, I became alarmed. "Slow down... slow down, Mrs. Crowley," I begged. I noticed that I didn´t see Mac anywhere and that was never a good sign; especially, when it concerns a hysterical nanny. "Umm, Mrs. Crowley," I began hesitantly, not really wanting to know the answer. "Is Mckynzie okay? Where is she?"_

_My questions where too much for the poor woman and the dam finally broke. "Dr. Cullen, I´m sorry. I... I... I don´t know where she is!" she wailed through her tears. "I can´t find her! I´ve looked everywhere, Sir!"_

_I shook my head in exasperation, I couldn´t believe that little shit had done it again. Fuck! Now I´m going to have to find a new nanny. Yeah, I know my six-year old daughter is missing and I would be concerned... if she hadn´t done the same thing to the prior nannies she had managed to run off as well. _

_She´s probably just hiding out in the basement somewhere, waiting for me to come home. This was not the first time she´d done something like this, and as much as I hated to admit, it probably wouldn´t be the last. _

_I was so busy dreading going through the whole ´find a nanny´ process again that I´d failed to acknowledge the hysterical woman in front of me. Fuck! I needed to try to calm this poor woman down, before she had a panic attack!_

"_Hey... hey," I cooed to the poor middle-aged woman, rubbing soothing circles on her back in an attempt to calm her down. "It´s okay Mrs. Crowley, we´ll find her. I probably should have warned you that she would wonder off on one of her childish adventures. _

_She´s probably just hiding down in the basement, playing with her bug collection or something." I guided her towards the house, so we could begin the search to find my little monster. She would think twice about hiding again when I got through with her._

_Just as we stepped onto the porch, I heard the unmistakable giggles of my missing six-year old, but instead of coming from inside my house, they were coming from next door. What the fuck! I thought, as I raced through the hedges and into the Swan´s backyard. _

_There, on the back of a giant man with russet colored skin, was my little girl. Who in the fuck did this guy think he was putting his paws all over my daughter? With my cell phone in hand, ready to dial 911, I snapped. "Get your damn hands off of my little girl! What are trying to do, kidnap my daughter? I´m calling the fucking police!" Stunned speechless, the giant man placed McKynzie on her feet and she scurried over to me looking confused. _

_I fell to my knees and sobbed into my little girl´s chest. I´d seen my fair share of adolescent victims in my rotation of the ER at Virginia Mason. I would die if something like that ever happened to my little girl. _

_Grasping frantically at her small body, I tried to take in every inch of her, making sure that she was okay. "Baby, it´s okay now, Daddy´s here," I breathed through my tears. "McKynzie, did that bad man hurt you?" I asked pointing in the direction of said bad man. "You can tell Daddy." I said fiercely, staring into her jade green eyes. All she did was stare at me with a blank expression. _

_Oh my God! _

_Was she in shock? _

"_What the hell did you do to her, you animal?" I screamed at the man. He too had a look of incredulity on his face. The nerve of that fucker! I catch him with his over-sized paws on my little girl and he has the nerve to look at me as if I´m the one that´s crazy? Oh hell no!_

"_Look, Man," he stated looking highly offended. "I´m sorry if you got the wrong idea, but I would never hurt Mac. She just hangs out here sometimes with Leah and I while we check on the house. We would never do anything to hurt her."_

"_The wrong idea?" I repeated laughing without humor. "How the fuck did I get the wrong idea, when I caught you with your filthy hands on my 7 year old daughter? I don´t fucking know you!" I seethed, as my anger caused me to clench and unclench my fists painfully at my sides._

_I stood, ready to tackle the beast, when Mrs. Crowley came barreling through the back yard. I was tired of listening to his bullshit excuses; I was literally two seconds from kicking his ass. I was glad she showed up when she did, now she could take Mac in the house while I kick this man´s child molesting ass! Then I´ll call the cops to come and pick up the left overs. _

"_Mrs. Crowley," I called, not taking my eyes off the man in front of me. "Would you please take McKynzie inside the house and make sure that she´s okay? I´m just going to call the police and wait out here until they arrive." I lifted my phone to dial 911, only to be stopped McKynzie._

"_Daddy, no, please..." she cried finally finding her voice. "Jakey is my friend. He didn´t hurt me. Please, Daddy, don´t take him away from me. I promise I´ll be good. I won´t hide from the my nanny." she begged as her tiny green orbs welled with tears. "I promise to be a good girl and eat all my vegetables. Please don´t take LeeLee and Jakey away from me."_

_The more I listened to her defend this man, the angrier I got. Somehow they had brainwashed my daughter into thinking that they cared about her. I didn´t mean to yell, but my temper was beyond my control at this point. "McKynzie, go inside!" I barked. "I saw his hands all over you. Go with Mrs. Crowley. I will not tell you again!"_

"_Oh Dr. Cullen, there must be some mistake." piped in Mrs. Crowley. "Jacob Black is a fine young man. He would never hurt a fly." _

_My face flamed beet red with anger as I glared at the elderly woman standing beside me. My jaw was clenched so tight that I was sure I would be left with permanent damage to my teeth when this was over. _

_She had some nerve! _

_I couldn´t believe that she could stand there and defend him after I caught him with his hands all over my child. "With all due respect Mrs. Crowley," My voice was gravelly, giving away hints of my barely contained anger. "Not five minutes ago, you were crying on my shoulder because my child was missing. What makes you think that I would take the word of an incompetent person such as yourself?" I knew I was hitting below the belt, but I didn´t care. As far as I was concerned she was just as guilty as he was for not keeping a better eye on McKynzie._

"_Now hold up Doc," the man in question reasoned. "Don´t go blaming Mrs. Crowley. It´s my fault. I should have checked with you the very first day that Mac showed up over here. I can´t tell you how sorry I am, about the mix-up." he apologized. "I swear to you on my unborn child´s life... you´ve got it all wrong; I would never do anything to hurt your daughter. To my wife and I, she´s already like family." _

_I stood there dumbfounded. What the fuck was going on? As much as I wanted to, I couldn´t deny the sincerity of his words. The look on his face and the way he looked me in the eye spoke volumes about his character. He didn´t strike me as the type to just haphazardly pledge the truth on the life of his unborn child. Maybe, I overreacted. Just a little. Ya think! _

_Try a fucking lot! _

_I was a bit embarrassed by the way I had just basically insulted this man; accusing him of kidnapping and trying to molest my 6 year old daughter. Christ, what the hell´s wrong with me? I was such a jackass! Instead of asking questions I immediately jumped to all the wrong conclusions. Could this day get anymore fucked up? _

_I´d raised McKynzie to be aware of strangers and even I had to admit that my baby girl was a good judge of character. In hindsight, I knew that Mac was okay, she would never have been laughing the way she had if he was hurting her. I sighed in frustration, as my anger slowly started to dissipate._

_In the midst of all the commotion, a very pregnant young woman emerged from inside the house. She had long black hair and the same russet colored skin as the giant man standing in front of me. "Jake, what´s going on?" she asked looking around at all of us in c__onfusion. _

_When her eyes settled on Mac, they were filled with __an emotion that I could only label as love and concern. I was rendered speechless.__ "McKynzie, are you all right sweetheart? Is that man bothering you?" she asked my daughter, glaring in my direction.__ Jesus! How many fucking people are in there and why do they all know my daughter?_

_Maybe if you paid more__attention, you´d know who __your daughter was spending her free time with! My conscience was really letting me have it today._

_Tell me you don´t deserve it and I´ll leave you alone!_

_I´ve got nothing!_

_Sometimes silence can be so loud!_

_I now knew that I´d overreacted, but that still didn´t give them the right to interact with my daughter without my knowledge. Any decent parent would have reacted the same way. I was feeling a bit guilty about blowing everything out of proportion, but I damn sure wasn´t about to admit it. "Urrr... hmm," I cleared my throat garnering the young lady´s attention. There was no doubt that McKynzie held a special place in her heart, but to refer to me as that man, was blatant disrespect. _

_Anyone with eyes could see that we were related. Hell, even Stevie Wonder could see that Mac was my daughter. She was practically my fucking twin. Claire use to say all the time how I just used her as an incubator; that McKynzie was all Cullen. _

_Head in the game, Cullen!_

_Now was not the time to relive painful memories! _

_I pinched the bridge of my nose and directed my annoyance elsewhere. "Excuse me Ma´am," I snapped nastily. "I prefer the title father, as opposed to **that man**. Now who might you be and how do fit into this already messed up situation?"_

_The woman huffed in indignation and rolled her piercing black eyes, but otherwise remained silent. _

_Suddenly, I felt a strong warm hand grip my shoulder. I looked up to see the eyes of the now seemingly gentle giant with his large hand extended towards me. "Sorry Dr. Cullen," he said with a warm smile and a wink. "I should have come to you early on and let you know that Half-Pint, was spending time with me and my wife. My behavior was inexcusable and I sincerely owe you an apology." His russet colored cheeks deepened in color as if he was blushing. "This beautiful lady is Leah, my wife; I´m gonna be a dad in a couple of months and I probably would have reacted the same way had I been in your shoes. I hope that you´ll take the time to get to know us, and continue to let little Half-Pint here hang out with us from time to time." _

_I shook Jacob Black´s hand glad to accept his apology, and thankful that everything turned out well. And everyone was okay with starting over and getting to know one another. I learned that Mac´s new friends, Jacob and Leah Black, who had been high school sweethearts, were now married and expecting their first child. _

That was over two years ago and they´ve become permanent fixtures in McKynzie´s life. Seeing how I had a hard time keeping nannies around, Mac often spends her free time on the reservation with "Jakey, LeeLee, little Will" and the rest of their family.

Last summer, they even made her an honorary Quileute; had a big bonfire and everything. I had to work at the hospital, so Jake made me a video. One more thing to add to my list of failures as a father. I could honestly say that aside from my immediate family, the Black´s were the only other people that I trusted with my little girl´s life.

I was pulled from my trip down memory lane, by the incessant chattering of my little girl. "Did you hear what I said, Daddy?" questioned Mac impatiently.

"I´m sorry, Sweetie," I apologized. "What did you say?"

She blew out an exasperated breath. "Daddy, would you puh-lease pay attention? I said, Grammy is coming next week to help Bells with the baby´s room. And I get to help." She spoke to me as if I was a two-year old and she had to dumb the explanation down. _Hmph! I guess I deserve that!_

I could tell by the gleam in my little girl´s eyes that she was up to something. I needed to nip it in the bud before she got too out of hand. I didn´t want to have my new neighbor run out of Forks, by the likes of one, McKynzie Elizabeth Cullen. And believe you me; she was quite capable of just that. My little girl had proven time and time again that she could succeed where weaker men have failed. _Lord help us all!_

I set Mac´s eggs and waffles down on the breakfast bar and decided that now was as good a time as any, to have the dreaded talk. "McKynzie," I said firmly.

"Yes, Daddy," she answered sweetly, fluttering her long curly lashes. I swear that child was hiding her horns and pointy tail somewhere, she´s not going to listen to a word I´m about to say. It´s going to go in one ear and directly out of the other.

"Don´t yes daddy me, young lady," I scolded. "You are to listen to Mrs. Cope today and not run off and hide somewhere. Also, you are **not** to go next door and bother our new neighbor. If you are a good girl and do as you´re told, we might go over and say hello, when I get home from the hospital. I´ll only be gone a couple of hours." I gave her a stern look and asked if she understood. "No bad reports. I mean it Mac; I want you to behave today."

I looked at the clock; I had to leave in less than a half an hour. I had two 7 year olds having scheduled tonsillectomies today, and if all went well, I´d be home before lunch. I kissed my baby girl on the head, instructed her to open the door for Mrs. Cope, when she arrived, and headed to my room to get ready.

I couldn´t help but chuckle as I pulled the green scrubs I was wearing up my legs. My neighbor had no idea what she was getting into moving back to Forks, she was in for the surprise of a lifetime. In the end, McKynzie was going to disregard every word I said to her and Ms. Swan wouldn´t know what hit her. I shook my head, for the first time in almost five years, I was feeling a spark of optimism. Something tells me that my life is about to change.

_I just hope it´s for the better because it damn sure couldn´t get any worse!_

* * *

><p>Well, I know you all are pissed that goes without saying, but just please give it a chance to unfold. Good or bad, I want to know what you all thought about the chapter. And I´ll do my best to answer any questions, as long as, it doesn´t give the story away. Next time the mischievous McKynzie Cullen and Bella meet, and boy will it be something! Laterzz!<p>

Krazi

**Rec Time:**

**Friday´s at Noon by: troublefollowsme1017**

**Remember Me Tomorrow by: Skychaser**

**Our Lives Unbound by: theladyingrey42**

** Mix Up by: The Irish Cullen**

**Slave to My Heart by: luvrofink**

**Reliquish by: luvrofink**

**My Greatest Masterpiece by: luvrofink & MarchHare5**

**Beautiful Savage by readingmama**

Okay that aught to hold you until I get back! Oh... FYI... for those of you reading FtLoD, the chapter is with the beta´s as soon as I have it, so will you!

Krazi

xoxo


	4. Chapter 3: Memories of the Past

Thank you all for the love and continued support of the new story, it means a lot to me that you all are willing to give it a chance. I´ve finally started a twitter acct. for my fics.. so come out and play when you get a chance! /krazis_korner So Bella finally meets Mac in this chapter! See you all at the end!

**WARNING: THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS CHILD ABUSE AND ALLUDES TO CHILD MOLESTATION! **

**Beta'd by: Jdonovan09 and ivoryhairbela... you ladies are amazing and I couldn´t do it without you... even when you bust my chops, Iza! A million and one thank you´s!**

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN TWILIGHT OR ANY OF ITS PHENOMENAL CHARACTERS. NO COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT INTENDED...**

* * *

><p><strong>A Real Family of Her Own:<strong>

**Chapter 3**

**Memories of the Past... and Uninvited Guests...**

**BPOV**

**I huffed out a tired breath as I put the gearshift in park and opened the car door. I just sat there for a moment, needing to adjust and contemplate my next move. The sudden burst of heat as the car door opened was an unwelcoming change. After riding so long with the air-conditioner on, my skin immediately began to perspire. **

**It was the end of May and already the heat was scorching. Couple that with pregnancy and my talent for clumsiness and you´ve got one bad combination. Hence the need for contemplation. **

**When you´re forced to walk around with an extra thirty pounds – well forty-five in my case - carrying such excess caused you quite a bit of pensiveness, especially when it came to walking. **

**I hadn´t seen my feet in a few weeks, that and my inability to walk across a flat surface without tripping on a dust mite, and you´ve got a disaster waiting to happen. ****_Now do you understand my hesitation? _**

**_One can never be too careful! _**

**It had been a long fucking ride and my ankles were swollen, I was hungry, sweaty and I had to pee for the millionth time today. ****_Yeah, I was not a happy camper! _****Thanks to the future soccer star I was carrying that was currently doing the ****_Electric Slide _****on my bladder and eating me from the inside out, I´d made quite a few stops along the way. **

**Between using the bathroom and shopping for ****_must have_**** snacks at every stop, my three and a half hour drive turned into damn near five hours. I was beyond exhausted and wanted nothing more than to soak in a hot bubble bath while sipping on a nice glass of Oceanspray Cran-Grape juice. **

**Yeah, this little guy was picky with his brands. No store brand for him; he´d shoot it right back up, return to sender... ****_express mail! _****I rolled from behind the steering wheel of my SUV with as much grace as I could muster, deciding to return and collect my things after my bath and a much needed nap. **

**I stretched out my tense muscles and moaned at the feel of them loosening up. A gentle breeze swept across the lawn causing my hair to fan across my face and tickle my nose. Okay, so it wasn´t that hot, not in Forks of course but over exaggeration was one of the perks of pregnancy. **

**I took a moment to breathe in the green that could only be found in this part of Washington, I was just so happy to have finally made it to my destination that I could have ****danced a jig in the driveway. Too bad my ballooned belly wouldn´t allow me to perform such a happy dance.**

**Besides, I could just imagine the looks I´d garner from the watchful eyes of my neighbors. ****_Yeah, I´m sure they´d call the men in white coats to cart my crazy ass out of here!_**

**_Damn, it´s so good to be home!_**

**__ArFoHo__**

**I opened the front door and choked back a sob. Would I ever get used to not having Charlie and Sue around? It had been three years since Charlie was gunned down on a rural road on the outskirts of town and even longer since we´d lost Sue to cancer but somehow both losses just seemed so fresh. **

**Especially now, I thought, rubbing my swollen stomach. They would have been so happy that they were becoming grandparents. Charlie would have been a bit difficult in the beginning because of my choice to do it alone but I had no doubt that Sue would have put him in his place in no time. **

**Charlie was a fool in love when it came to Sue; I think I loved her all the more for returning the light to Charlie´s eyes. I´d heard the all the horror stories from Sue about how bad he was after Renee left, taking me with her. She told me how he searched for me diligently for years, utilizing all of his law enforcement connections but always coming up empty handed.**

**The pain was visible in Sue´s eyes as she reminisced the darker times in Charlie´s life. Describing what an empty shell he was with no hope and nothing to live for. He simply moped around for years after we left. **

**She said that by the time I was eight, he´d given up on his dream of ever finding me again; it was like Renee had taken me and vanished off the face of the earth. He started spending all his time at the precinct or down at La Push on the Quileute Reservation fishing with his friends. The folks on the reservation soon became his family. **

**A few years after Charlie had given up his search, Sue´s husband and Charlie´s best friend, Harry Clearwater, died from a massive heart attack. During this time he and Sue became closer. They were both hurting from their own personal losses so they bonded over their common grief. **

**Harry and Sue had two children, a daughter Leah, who was living in Paris at the time attending college and working as a runway model, and their youngest Seth, was living in New York attending NYU on an academic scholarship. So when Harry died, she was basically left all alone. She and Charlie found solace in one another´s loneliness and eventually fell in love. They married the year before I came to live with them.**

**I didn´t remember anything about my mother and father´s relationship before Renee took me away but I definitely knew that it wasn´t Charlie´s fault. Renee would always tell me ****how no good he was, how much he hated me, and didn´t want us around; but somehow I always held on to the hope that maybe Charlie did want me. I told myself that he just didn´t know where to find us, especially since Renee and I moved around so much. She was particularly cruel when I messed up her relationships. Those were the times that I day-dreamed the most. **

**I dreamt that I´d come home from school or woke up to find Charlie waiting to take me back home. This was where he would love and protect me and I wouldn´t have to ever live in fear again. I hated living with Renee! Hated that she always made everything my fault. ****_She blamed me for everything and wasn´t ashamed to say it!_**

**Despite the fact that he made a big deal about me coming to live with him, it was hard to trust Charlie at first. He was a complete stranger to me and all I had to go on was the shit that Renee had told me. That and the many unfulfilled fantasies of him rescuing me. I was so used to living with disappointment, so why should this be any different? **

**It was actually his relationship with Sue that caused me to slowly begin to let down my guard. Charlie worshiped the ground that Sue walked on and he treated me like I was a princess... ****_like I mattered_****. This was a complete one-eighty to the way my life had been with Renee. ****_I finally had a family! _****The family that I´d spent most of my life dreaming of. **

**Renee was a lying bitch; I hated that we shared the same DNA. ****_If I never saw her again, it would be too fucking soon!_**** That was just one more thing that selfish whore had taken away from me. Charlie was a ****_damn_**** good husband and an even better father. He was quiet by nature and not very affectionate but I never felt as if he didn´t love me. It was like a tangible unspoken bond was shared between us.**

**His gruff voice would always be the first thing I heard every morning before school. "Baby girl, you awake?" he would call out leaning his tall frame in the doorway of my room, dressed in his uniform, mustache twitching with a hint of a smile as I attempted to play possum. To some it may have meant nothing, but to me, it meant the world.**

**And every night before I went to bed, on the days he didn´t work late, he´d come into my room and sit quietly on the side of my bed and tell me how much he loved me and how happy he was that I was finally back home where I belonged. **

**He´d then give my hand a gentle squeeze, kiss me softly on the forehead and bid me a good night. It wasn´t much, but it was us; it was our thing and I would always have it. I couldn´t wait to share the same types of quiet moments with my son.**

**It was never like that with Renee simply because most days she was asleep when I got up for school, if she was even home, and very seldom was she there when it was time for me to go to bed. I used to dream of what it would be like if I´d stayed with my father; I mean it couldn´t have been any worse than that. **

**I learned early on to look out of myself and to just stay out of her way, especially when she moved in a new boyfriend, which was often. I was six when Mark came to live with us; he ****was the first of many that would make my life a living hell. She would buy me a new dress from time to time, but this time somehow felt different – something was off.**

**Renee never really paid much attention to me, but all of a sudden she was buying me things... clothes, books, toys. She even bought me treats and candy, a luxury I was normally never afforded. That was a definite red flag, Renee never bought me candy; she barely had money to buy groceries. I thought that she finally noticed me, that she finally got it. Finally got that I loved her and would do anything to make her happy. **

**I was always good in school, well-behaved, good grades; never an ounce of trouble. And it was all for her. All to make her love me, but it never seemed to be enough. Not until Mark came along.**

**He´d been living with us for about two months when it happened. It was a Friday night and Mark insisted that Renee have a girl´s night out with her friends. She refused at first, stating that she didn´t have anyone to watch me. This I didn´t understand because countless times I´d awoken during the night to find myself sleeping, alone, in whatever little dingy apartment we happen to be occupying at the time. **

**Mark just blew her off saying that it wasn´t like I was a baby and he would be home if I needed anything. I immediately became giddy inside, of all the boyfriends that Renee had, he had been the nicest to me so far. **

**I jumped at the chance to get to spend time with him, playing games and having fun. Feeling like a normal kid with a normal dad. Not giving it a second thought, Renee got dressed and left me alone with Mark to enjoy her night on the town.**

**It was fun at first; he played games with me and talked to me. He told me that he liked me and wanted to be my friend. I was beyond excited. I had never had a friend before, so the idea of Mark becoming my friend and even maybe becoming my dad someday appealed to me. **

**I thought that maybe if I could make Mark happy by being a good daughter that maybe Renee would keep him around and we could become a real family. ****_I know... wishful thinking on my part! _****It was getting late and Mark said it was time for me to take my bath. **

**I was waiting for the tub to fill and...**

**"_Isabella," he called out to me from the doorway. "Need some help?_**

**_I immediately jumped, not used to having anyone in the bathroom with me. Renee had stopped helping me bathe when I was four. I even knew how to get the temperature of my water just right all by myself, so I didn´t understand why he was in the bathroom with me._**

**_Swallowing thickly, I moved to cover my naked torso, but he stopped me. "Umm, uhh," I stuttered. "I can do it myself. I don´t need any help taking my bath." For some reason _****_the way his eyes narrowed and he licked his lips, it made the downy hairs on the back of my neck stand at attention._**

**"_Now listen here you little bastard," he sneered, eying me like I was a piece of meat. "I´m in charge and you´ll do as I say. And I say it´s time for me to help you take a bath. Now get those panties off and get in the fucking tub."_**

**_My heart was beating so fast that I thought it was going to jump out of my chest. With trembling hands, I moved to push my Strawberry Shortcake panties down, but I couldn´t do it. I shook my head adamantly and looked him in the eye, "NO! Mommy said that I can´t undress in front of boys. You´re a boy! You have to leave." I crossed my arms in front of my bare flat chest eyeballing him stubbornly, but trembling violently._**

**_Before I knew what happened, the back of Mark´s hand connected with my face, the blow knocked me into the sink causing me to hit my face on the counter. I crouched down in the small space between the toilet and the tub and shivered with fear. There was nowhere to run, no way to get away from him._**

**"_Look here you little snot-nosed brat," he spit at me. "I didn´t give that whore of a mother of yours all that money to buy you shit to not get something in return." He began removing his shirt and unbuckling his belt._**

**_When he moved to lower the zipper on his jeans, I shut my eyes instantly, not wanting to see his privates. I was so scared. Where was Renee and why wasn´t she here to protect me? _**

**_With my eyes shut tight and my hands covering my ears, I continued to cower in the corner chanting, "Mommy, mommy, mommy." The splashing of water caused my speech to falter and my eyes moved of their own accord to spring open._**

**_Mark was sitting in the bathtub, naked as the day he was born. My stomach clenched in fear and I tried to run, but he was faster. Locking my wrist in a death grip, I had no choice but to stay put. "C´mere little girl and make your new daddy feel good." Yanking my arm, he pulled me down into the warm water. _**

**My breathing picked up and my skin felt clammy, the memories always sent me into panic mode. I´d been doing well since I became pregnant. I´d only had three episodes and those were just nightmares. ****_Fuck!_**

**I had to get a hold of myself; I wouldn´t even consider medication, nothing was going to harm my baby. Yoga and meditation had been a godsend, but there were still moments when the memories broke through my carefully constructed barriers, those times were the hardest.**

**As if sensing my distress, my little man became active, kicking and fluttering around my stomach, letting me know I was safe. None of the bad men could hurt me anymore. **

**I shook my head to try and rid myself of the awful memories; it had been awhile since I´d let the darkness consume me and now was not the time. Today was to be one of celebration, I was home. A place that represented what my life had become, not what it was. The past was just that... ****_the past!_**

**__ArFoHo__**

**Taking a deep breath, I closed the door and moved towards the fireplace, running my finger along the different pictures of my family. My eyes lingered on a cute picture of Will, Jake and Leah´s son, soon my little man would share this space as well. ****_I couldn´t wait! _**

**Stopping, I picked up the silver frame that held a picture of Charlie, Sue, Seth, Jacob, Leah and I on our last family vacation, I breathed a sigh of relief remembering happy times. ****_Happy times!_**** My chest tightened at the thought.**

**It was the last time that we were all together before Sue got really sick. Jacob and Leah, who are now back in Washington and living on the reservation, had just gotten married and decided they wanted us to accompany them on a family cruise for their honeymoon. It was the perfect balance of family and alone time when necessary. **

**As reluctant as I was to join them, I went and had a blast. Mom, Dad, Seth and I shared a stateroom and none of us were safe from Seth´s early morning pranks. If you were smart, you always went to sleep after and woke up before Seth.**

**Several months after coming to live with Charlie and Sue, I´d taken to calling her Mom. I really don´t remember how it happened, but she never made a big deal about it, for which I was grateful. **

**Though I could see the subtle color rise in her cheeks and her chest puff out with just a hint of pride whenever I said it. It felt good to see her happy. I knew that she missed having Seth and Leah around all the time and this made her feel like she still had a daughter to take care of. She would never know just how much she meant to me because I needed a mother as well.**

**My step-sister, Leah, was a bit intimidating at first but that was just her nature. Beautiful and self-assured on the outside, she could easily come off as a bitch but that couldn´t be farther from the truth. Seth, my overprotective big brother, was just the opposite, full of laughter and fun; with him, it was never a dull moment. **

**They both welcomed me into their little family with open arms just as they had done with Charlie. Seth and Leah are wonderful siblings, and often reminded me that I was not alone in the world. I´m still working on reminding myself.**

**We´ve grown closer since the death of our parents, but I still find myself keeping them at a distance. It was easy as breathing with Seth and it helped that he lived in my building, so I cooked dinner for him at least three nights a week. Well, when he wasn´t between girlfriends at least. ****_I had to give it to the boy, he was handsome! _**

**Leah and I talk more now since she had Will; she was always telling me some funny story about the things that he´s done. It never ceased to amaze me how much one two year old little boy could get into; seems like I had a lot to look forward too. I was hoping that by going back to Dr. Banner and starting therapy again, it would help me to finally let them all the way in. **

**How do I explain to them that even in a room full of people, I still felt all alone?**

**_I have to do this! _****I thought. **

**No, I ****_need _****to do this; if not for myself, then for my unborn child. He deserves to know his family and for them to be a part of his life. Secretly, I was a bit excited at the prospect of my son and Leah´s becoming cousins/best friends. **

**My son would never know how it felt to be alone like I did. I traced the lines of Charlie and Sue´s faces, "Mom and Dad, I´m trying," I whispered. "I´m trying to get better, to become a whole person for you... ****_for him_****." I rubbed my protruding belly and placed the frame back in its designated spot on the mantle. Robotically, my hand wiped away a stray tear that had fallen; it was moments like these that I missed them the most. **

**"Don´t worry, little guy, mommy´s going to take good care of you." My little soccer star chose that moment to kick, as if to second the motion. With a resigned sigh, I made my way to the stairs, heading toward my bathroom - ****_my sanctuary_****. ****_Damn I could use an elevator right about now! _****Just looking at the stairs made me feel winded.**

**__aRfOhO__**

**I huffed and puffed my way to the second floor, willing my swollen ankles not to give out on me. Just a few more steps and I´d be in bubble heaven. Thank God I surprised Charlie with a remodel a few years back. **

**I didn´t think that I would still fit comfortably in his old bathtub, not to mention, I´d become quite spoiled by my own gigantic Jacuzzi back in Seattle; it was one of the reasons I never wanted to sleep anywhere outside of my condo.**

**After listening to Charlie complain for the millionth time one night about always having to drive to Seattle, because I never came to Forks; I phoned Esme. I needed help fast and only the best would do. If I was going to be visiting Charlie more often, then I needed to bring a few more amenities to Charlie´s humble abode. **

**Trust me, there´s no place like home and I just wanted to bring a piece of it to Forks. So I came up with an elaborate plan of action and sent Charlie and Billy Black, Jacob´s father, on a deep sea fishing trip off the coast of Alaska for a week and let Esme loose on his unsuspecting bachelor pad.**

**I told her to spare no expense and my only demand was that every single upstairs bathroom had to have a Jacuzzi tub in it. Aside from that, she could do as she saw fit. Speaking of ****fits, Charlie had a big one, he was absolutely furious with what I´d done. We were the same in that we never accepted gifts well.**

**After some serious coaxing and a long soak, Charlie fell in love with the bathtub; it also didn´t hurt that there was a 36" flat screen TV mounted on the wall above the tub. If that wasn´t enough to send him into cardiac arrest, he nearly blew a gasket when he saw the 60" mounted on the wall of his den and his new state of the art recliner, complete with a heated full body massager. **

**I took Charlie´s quaint little home and turned it into the ultimate man cave. Billy and deputies that regularly watched games at Charlie´s were singing my praises somewhat profusely for week; it was quite embarrassing to say the least. Let´s just say, for awhile there, ****_I _****was the one complaining about all ****_my_**** trips to Forks.**

**I was so lost in my thoughts of the past that I hadn´t noticed the muffled sounds coming from inside my bedroom earlier. ****_What the hell? Who the fuck is in my house? This is Forks damn it! _**

**_Nothing ever happens in Forks!_**

**_What the fuck am I going to do?_**

**Opening the door slowly, I scanned the room hoping to find something that I could use as a weapon, just as my eyes fall on a miniature souvenir baseball bat that Charlie had gotten me at the first Mariner´s game he took me to. ****_Bingo! _**** I tiptoed over to the corner and froze. ****_What the hell? _**

**_Hannah Montana! _**

**Moving closer to the door I could now clearly hear the voice of a small child belting out the lyrics to the theme song to Hannah Montana along with Miley Cyrus. ****_You got me people, I like the Disney channel!_**

**Forgoing the need for a weapon, I pushed the bathroom door open and I couldn´t believe my eyes. There, in ****_my_**** Jacuzzi bathtub, full of so many bubbles that I could only see a small portion of her head was a little girl with the purest green eyes that I´d ever seen. ****_Could this day get any weirder?_**

**"Bellaaaaaaa," she screeched. "I´ve been waiting for you." Jumping up in excitement, she sloshed water all over the floor. Not the safest thing for a pregnant klutz like me.**

**"Whoa, whoa," I admonished, trying desperately to stop a disaster in the making. "Wait Sweetie, don´t move so much. You´re making a mess." I tried to speak calmly to my little intruder; I didn´t want to scare her away. Thankfully, she slid back into the water without any protest.**

**Slipping out of my shoes, I cautiously made my way over to the linen closet and retrieved a few towels. I eyeballed the pint-sized stranger that seemed to know exactly who I was as I ****mopped up the mess. She didn´t so much as flinch under my gaze. ****_ Tough little cookie isn´t she? _****I thought to myself. **

**"Uhh," looking everywhere but at the little nudist, "I don´t think we´ve ever met. As a matter of a fact, I´m sure of it. Who are you? And how do you know my name?" I felt myself blush as I trained my eyes on her face. Call me modest, but I don´t think that her parents would appreciate me ogling their little girl´s body; even if I would never hurt her, but in lieu of my past, it just felt awkward.**

**"Grammy and Jakey, told me all about you silly," she said as if it was the most obvious answer.**

**_Grammy?_**

**_Jakey? _**

**I was momentarily baffled at her revelation, but then it hit me. ****_Jacob! But wait, who´s grammy?_**

**"Yeah, that´s what I said, ****_Jakey and Grammy Ne-Ne," _****she enunciated the nicknames as if she was talking to a small child. ****_Hmm... guess I said that out loud!_**** "We got everything ready for you last week. He told me you were coming today and I wanted to be here when you got home." she chattered away like we were old friends getting reacquainted. "You´re going to be my new best friend, Bells." I cringed slightly at the use of my family´s nickname; I wasn´t used to hearing it from strangers, even if they were absolutely adorable. "I´m gonna help you with the baby and everything. Because I´m a big girl and I know how to help." Her look of earnest and sheer determination caught me off guard. I had no idea who this little stranger was but I had no doubt that she was telling the truth. And oddly that really warmed my heart.**

**Shocked would be an understatement as to how I felt, but for lack of a better word that was the only way to describe how I was feeling. My mouth was gaping like a fish as I struggled to recall Jake telling me about a little girl who helped him. **

**The only name that I´ve ever heard in reference to the upkeep of the yard was Mac, the little mischievous boy from next door, who always helped him out around the house and sometimes spent time out at La Push with him, Leah and Will. **

**Strange, he never mentioned a little girl; a little girl who seemed to know an awful lot about me.**

**"Umm, Sweetie" I said hesitantly. "I´m sorry, but Jake never mentioned you. He only told about Mac, the little boy from next door, who helps him keep up my yard." Her little brow furrowed and her expression became one of hurt, mixed with anger. **

**Immediately, I felt bad for what I´d said; even though I hadn´t said anything wrong. "Hey," I cooed, ignoring the water and sitting on the edge of the tub. "Don´t be upset, Sweetheart, I didn´t mean to hurt your feelings. It´s just that... I don´t know who you are. ****But I´m sure we´ll be great friends like you said." Something, I don´t know what, compelled me to reach out to her. **

**I had an overwhelming need to comfort this little angel, which was strange, because I´d never found myself wanting to get to know another human being so badly. Well except for Esme Cullen, oddly, I felt the same connection to this little stranger as I did when I first met Momma Es, as I had taken to calling her. **

**Stroking her cheek lightly, her gaze softened under my touch. My fingers tingled and my heart swelled, making room for my new best friend. I smiled at how absurd that sounded, but nevertheless it was nothing but the truth. "You´re not mad at me are you Angel?" I asked after she´d been quiet for too long.**

**Rising from the water and placing her hands on her imaginary little hips she let out a huff. I was relieved to see that she was wearing a swimsuit and not flashing her little girl bits all over the place. "Jake," she said, growling cutely. I could now see that my new little acquaintance was quite the firecracker.**

**"Jake," I repeated in confusion. "What about him."**

**"I´m gonna give him a black eye," she huffed shaking her tiny little fist in the air. "He told you I was a boy? I am a girl! Not a stinkin´ boy and he´s gonna get it!" I was so tickled by her tough little girl act that it took me a minute to comprehend what it was she was telling me.**

**"Are y-yo-you... telling me..." I choked out. "That ****_you´re_**** Mac?" I couldn´t believe it. And in his defense, Jacob never said Mac was a boy; I just assumed, what with all the help he liked to give. I laughed so hard at my assumption that I almost peed my pants. "Whoa..." I squeaked out. "Be right back." I threw over my shoulder, jumping up and rushing into the private toilet area and closing the door. ****_Phew! _****I breathed out in relief. I would ****_not_**** miss all the frequent bathroom breaks I took when this pregnancy was over.**

**Thanks to the little stowaway I was carrying, my bathroom visits required a few more minutes than your customary ****_number 1_**** visit. Just my luck, my little intruder thought it necessary to point that out. "Hey Bells," she called out after a few minutes. "What´s taking you so long? Are you going number 2?" I could not believe that she just said that, my entire body flamed with embarrassment. How am I supposed to face her after a question like that? **

**_TMI little girl... TMI_**

**_I´m never leaving this bathroom!_**

**Ever the center of attention, my little bundle decided it was mealtime, so embarrassment be damned I had to get out of this bathroom - ****_I was starving!_**

**_Hell, who am I trying to kid, I´m always starving!_**

**__ArFoHo__**

**After what seemed like hours, but in reality was a mere five minutes tops, I mustered up all my courage and cracked open the door. Peering out into the bathroom, I checked to see if I still had company. Seeing that the coast was clear, I exited the small space and moved to the sink to wash my hands. **

**Taking in the room, I was impressed to see that my tiny intruder had attempted to clean up her mess. Noticing her absence, I wondered where she´d disappeared to. ****_Of course, did it really matter?_**** She seemed to be more acquainted with my house than I was; she could be anywhere. ****_I wonder how she got in here?_**

**Once again, my stomach rumbled, sounding faintly as if my big intestines were snacking on my little intestines. ****_Boy, I gotta get this kid some food! Peanut butter and jelly sounds delightful! Cue the rumbling! _****Exiting the bedroom, I heard the faint sounds of music coming from down the hall. ****_The nursery! _****I´d completely forgot to check the nursery. **

**Sidetracked by Mac, the cute little green-eyed cat burglar, I forgot all about my little boy´s new room. When I called Esme to share the news of my pregnancy, she insisted on doing the nursery as my gift. Upon learning the sex of the baby, I called her up and let her loose. I knew I could trust her and I wouldn´t be disappointed.**

**Oh. My. God! Grammy Ne-ne... why didn´t I make the connection sooner? The hair, the eyes, she was the spitting image of her beautiful grandmother. Judging by her age, she could only belong to Esme´s son and daughter-in-law. I guess they relocated to Washington after all.**

**Shuffling my swollen ankles in the direction of the music, my breath hitched as I stood in the open door. It was nothing short of amazing. I choked back a sob as I took in the beautiful room. Everything was picture perfect. From the baby blue chest of draws, to the breath taking deep mahogany colored crib. The color scheme was basically baby blue and chocolate, with hints of white and tan thrown in.**

**Sitting in the child-sized rocking chair, with a head full of damp auburn curls, fully clothed in a pair of overhauls and a cute pair of polka-dot Chucks, quietly studying a teddy bear was Mac. She was gazing longingly at the stuffed animal and seemed to be lost in thought. "I hope you like it," she said with an unsure voice, never making eye contact. "Grammy let me help pick out some of the stuff and Jakey let me help paint too." Her little face lifted and piercing green eyes full of sadness and longing connected with my brown ones. "When he comes, will you teach me how to take care of him? So he´ll never have to have a nanny. I never want him to have to have a nanny. I hate all my nannies and I know it´s mean but I always do whatever I can to make Daddy get rid of them." Gone was the self assured swimmer that I found floating up to her eyeballs in bubbles, and in her place was a shy little girl who misbehaved to get her father´s attention. "I thought that if I got rid of them all, then he´d want to spend time with me. I thought it would make him want to hold me more. Hug me even... but he doesn´t. Not since she died. Now he´s sad all the time and nothing I do helps. I just want my Daddy to be happy again." she sniffed sadly. Suddenly, ****this little angel looked so fragile and broken; for once I went with my instincts and pulled her into my arms. **

**My shirt became damp with her tears, as she held onto me and cried. I didn´t know her story, yet, but I saw so much of myself in her and I vowed that I would do whatever I could to keep a smile on her beautiful face. How could anybody not want to hold her? Hug her... love her? **

**In that moment something in me clicked, I wasn´t an over-religious person, but I was a firm believer that all things happened for a reason and there was a reason that I found this precious little gem floating in my bathtub. She was broken and it was my job to help fix her. Maybe in fixing her, I could fix myself in the process.**

**I don´t know how long we stood there with her crying before the sound of the doorbell ringing broke through our private moment. **

**Immediately, she stiffened under my touch. "Hey, Sweetie," I cooed softly stroking her bronze curls. "It´s okay, it´s just the doorbell. Come on, let´s go see who it is. It´s probably Jake and Leah stopping by to welcome me home." She laced her fingers with mine and reluctantly followed me down the stairs.**

**Again the bell sounded, but with a little more urgency. From the tense grip she had on my hand, I had a sinking feeling this wasn´t Jake and whoever it was, had come to take my little intruder home. "Just a minute," I shouted as we rounded the last step.**

**I moved to open the door, but before I did, I tucked Mac´s little body protectively behind mine. I opened the door and my mouth fell slack. I may be a virgin in the biblical sense, but I had engaged in years of self-pleasure. Let´s just say I do my level best to keep up with technology, my OmiBod is the latest craze in genital sensation. ****_ Pfft... like you don´t own a vibrator, please! _**

**And since I´d become pregnant, I´d sometimes indulged two or three times a day. ****_ My hormones were all over the fucking place! _****Presently, they were causing my panties to flood with arousal because standing on my front porch was the sexiest fucking man I had ever seen! Seems as if I´ve just found the new star of my erotic show. ****_Yummy!_**

**In all my twenty-seven years, I had never seen a more fuckable looking man than the one standing in front of me. ****_Fuckable? Excuse me, who are you and what have you done with Isabella Swan? _****I couldn´t believe I just thought that! **

**What the hell was wrong with me? Here I was eye-fucking a complete stranger, who happens to be the father of the little girl hiding behind me. My face flamed with color and instantly I was filled with shame. I was like a deer caught in headlights, only instead of headlights, I was sucked in a swirling vortex of jade green and no matter how hard I tried... I couldn´t look away.**

**I must have looked like a fucking moron, standing there gaping like a fish, but saying nothing. I swear I could feel a bit of drool running down my chin. Unable to do anything else, I continued to stare at the beautiful Greek God like the idiot that I was.**

**For some, time proceeded to move and since it was clear that it wasn´t moving on my end, the beautiful Adonis decided to speak. "Hello Ms. Swan," his velvety voice greeted me, wrapping around my body like a silk scarf. "I´m Edward Cullen. I was looking for my daughter McKynzie. By any chance is she here?" ****_Fuck me running! _****Is it possible to cum just by hearing words, because I swear I can feel it running down my legs! **

**_Looks like I was wrong... shit happens in Forks!_**

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><p>Well what did you all think of Bella and Mac´s first meeting. I hope I did the chapter justice and you all liked it. As the chapters progress I´ll give you more glimpses into the past lives of the characters and hopefully it will help you to understand why they are the way they are. I´m sorry I´m unable to respond to all of them, but your reviews are appreciated and for me very necessary, so I hope you all continue to leave me and the story some love. Thank you to those of you who shared with me some personal aspects of your lives in regards to the way Edward behaved in the last chapter. Don´t give up on him yet, I promise an HEA... eventually!<p>

Laterzzz:)

Krazi

xoxo

**Rec Time... squeeee! I´ve gotten hooked to quite a few yummy tales since I last updated, so in the meantime, in between time, mosey on over and check out these great writers!**

**Friday´s at Noon by: troublefollowsme1017**

**Remember Me Tomorrow by: Skychaser**

**Our Lives Unbound by: theladyingrey42**

**Mix Up by: The Irish Cullen**

**Slave to My Heart by: luvrofink**

**Reliquish by: luvrofink**

**My Greatest Masterpiece by: luvrofink & MarchHare5**

**Beautiful Savage by: readingmama**

**Our Yellow House by: CaraNo**

**Isla de Cullen by: CaraNo**

**Okay that ought to hold you until I make it back! Don´t forget to come and play with me on twitter if you got a sec! krazis_korner!**


	5. Chapter 4: What Happens When the Fog

**Beta'd by: Jdonovan09 , you´re amazing and I couldn´t do it without you... **

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN TWILIGHT OR ANY OF ITS PHENOMENAL CHARACTERS. NO COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT INTENDED...**

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><p>A Real Family of Her Own:<p>

Chapter Four

What Happens… When the Fog Has Been Lifted…

EPOV

It had been 2 ½ months since hurricane Isabella Marie Swan blew into our lives and turned everything upside down and inside out. Feelings and desires that were dead to me awakened, body parts that once upon a time lay limp and lifeless stirred… grew hard even. Who was this woman and how was she able to have this type of effect on me?

_Isabella Swan was a complete and utter anomaly!_

She was a virtual stranger to me, but I couldn´t help being drawn to her like a moth to a flame. Already, Bella could read me like a book. Stubborn little thing, she had no problem putting me in my place, especially, when it came to my daughter. We bickered over how much time I spent working and how little I spent with my daughter constantly. McKynzie loved her, and as much as I didn´t want to see or admit it; Bella loved her too.

Watching them from my usual perch in my bedroom window, my lips involuntarily curled into wry smile, I couldn´t help but admit how it made my dead heart beat with life again, watching them laugh and play in Bella´s backyard.

The sun brought out the red streaks in Bella´s hair, making her brunette locks look almost auburn in color. In the way the sun kissed the shiny strands it made them bear a striking resemblance to Mac´s. At a quick glance, they could easily pass for mother and daughter.

_Stop it Cullen! _

_Don´t even think about going there!_

I fisted my hands roughly through my messy hair, causing even more distress. Jack Nichols had nothing on this bird´s nest I´ve got sitting on top of my head. Falling against the cool glass of my bedroom window, my brow creased in defeat.

No matter what I may have thought Bella Swan had awoken in me, there was absolutely no way that I _could _or _would _ever act on it. I´d ruined enough people's lives to last me a lifetime already. Happiness wasn't something I deserved; I was sentenced to a loveless miserable life without any chance of parole.

Deep breaths, Cullen, deep breaths, you can do this. Squeezing my eyes together tightly in denial, I fought my way out of the despairing fog that threatened at every turn to consume me. Drag me down into its fiery pits of despair, dark, desolate, depressing, no, I wouldn´t let it have me!

_Damn you Isabella for making me feel again! _

Laughter rang out from Bella´s back yard and the sound piercing my ears brought me out of my stupor. Everything was so fucking loud these days, almost as if my ears had been filled with cotton for the last 4 ½ years. Where in the hell had time gone? It's been so long since McKynzie's been happy; I hardly recognize her anymore.

Seeing the look of pure, untainted love and adoration in Mac´s eyes as she ran the hairbrush through Bella´s thick hair, chattering away about God knows what, made my eyes burn with unshed tears.

This wasn´t even something she shared with my mother and sisters, her relationship with Bella had taken on a life of its own. It reminded me of how Alice and Rosalie were with Esme.

My little girl was missing out on so much, not having a mother. I blinked a few times in an effort to squelch the need to cry, unfortunately, my tears wouldn't magically solve anything, having already cried an entire lifetime´s worth of tears; I knew _that_ all too well. More girlish giggles burned my ears and pierced through my broken soul.

Why couldn´t I do that?

Make _her_ laugh?

Make _them _laugh?

_I was such a fucking failure!_

"Argh…" I growled out in disgust as I stormed out of my room and away from them… away from _her_.

I wanted so badly to hate her. To completely loathe and despise this, this, this _woman_, who´d come into my home, my life, my hea… _Don´t you fucking say it! _ My teeth bit into the flesh of the inside of my cheek at the almost slip-up.

Fuck, I have never been so frustrated in all my life. For as much I wanted to hate her and everything she represented… I wanted her to be a permanent part of our lives just as badly. Talk about a catch 22, I couldn't fucking win for losing!

_xXxXxXxXx_

Reaching in the fridge, I grabbed a bottle of Budweiser, twisting the cap off; I damn near downed the entire bottle in one long pull. The ice cold refreshing liquid, momentarily dousing the burning flames licking at my insides and providing me with a false sense of calm that would no doubt be short-lived, looking down at my watch, I knew that it wouldn´t be long until McKynzie came in to call me to dinner.

Despite my feeble attempts at derailment, petulance and downright pouting like a two year old; my presence was required at the Swan residence every Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday for dinner.

And if that wasn´t enough torture for me, let´s throw in Mondays and Wednesdays when Mrs. Cope fixed dinner at my place. Oh and if you really want to drive a stake through my cornea, every other Friday evening after work, Bella, Mac and I journey to Seattle for Saturday brunch with my family. Thank God she has her own condo, at least I´m granted a small reprieve. All the girls, including my mother, spend Friday nights as Bella´s, leaving us brutes to take over my parents´ home on Bainbridge Island.

My sisters Rosalie and Alice adored Bella, and wouldn´t hear of her not attending any and all family gatherings. As if Carlisle and Esme´s obsession with this woman wasn´t bad enough, my entire family had all jumped on the `we support Bella campaign´ and were now her biggest group of supporters, surprisingly, my brother-in-law, Emmett was the ring leader and the most vocal, always going on and on about his precious Belly Bear.

They had even all chipped in and was surprising her with a baby shower this weekend and the unveiling of not only one nursery in her Seattle condo, but also a second one in my parents´ home as well. Mom and dad had dubbed themselves honorary grandparents and were taking their roles very seriously. In my opinion, they were taking things a bit too far.

_Clarify please, is that your opinion or is that the green-eyed monster rearing his ugly head? _

My response to the infuriating chatter in my head was to grab another Bud and grumble, "Bella, Bella, and more Bella! Always fucking Bella! Why don´t they just shoot me and get it over with?" Not my family, they loved to do things slowly, especially my little traitorous spawn, MyKynzie. She was always shoving that damn woman down my throat, and you want to know the most fucked up thing about all of this?

There´s a part of me, a very sick twisted demented part of me that looks forward to spending time with her and has even been known to count down the days or hours until we´re together again. This didn´t include the time I spent secretly watching her from my bedroom window doting on my beautiful little girl, wishing we could be a real family.

_What the fuck was up with that! _

How was it that I could so easily disrespect Claire´s memory like that? How could I sit here time and time again, wishing that this was real… that we _were_ a family? What kind of sick bastard am I? It´s my fault that Claire´s dead, and this is how I repay her, by spitting on her memory and lusting after another woman!

_In your defense, it has been almost 5 years. How long is too long to grieve? _The obnoxious voice tormented.

Before I could stop myself, I was twisting open another beer, attempting to somehow numb the pain or at least stifle the massive amount of guilt that was so viciously trying to suffocate me. Thankfully, I was able to hold my own and the alcohol would do nothing but get me a little buzzed. Worst case scenario, I´d actually say more than five words at dinner tonight.

My free hand gripped at my chest where the pregnant beauty had already begun chipping away at the ice around my frozen heart. Willing away the pain that each new beat of the defrosting organ brought with it, I sucked in a couple of deep breaths and finished my beer. These days I felt everything with renewed senses; even a light breeze felt rough against my desensitized skin.

Gone was the shell of a man that I´d become and in his place was a person who saw everything through renewed eyes. It´s like I´ve been asleep for the past 4 ½ years and didn`t realize life had gone on without me. I wonder if this is what coma patients felt like when they woke-up and realized that life had continued to pass them by.

Slowly, I was learning what it felt like to live again, and let me just say that it was not a fucking bed of roses. Truth be told, it sucks and thanks to the pregnant sorceress living next door and the spell she´d cast on me, I had no idea how to go back to not feeling again.

_xXxXxXxXx_

For some reason, today felt different. I don´t know if it had anything to do with the three beers I had or what, but I found myself outside of Isabella´s back door peering inside instead of waiting for Mac to come and get me. The sight before me caused my heart to bleed and a huge lump to rise in my throat.

The girls had abandoned the make-believe beauty shop that Mac had created on the back porch, traded their hair combs and brushes for aprons and were now in Bella´s kitchen preparing dinner.

For a millisecond my mind envisioned what it would be like to come home to this every day. Bella was a phenomenal cook, she and McKynzie were always baking goodies and delivering them to me and the office staff.

The warmth of that thought caused my hand to twitch, longing to rip the door open and yell, "I´m home!" My eyes burned as they focused on the two of them all cozy in Bella´s spacious yet inviting kitchen causing the pull I felt toward them and this life to become infinitely greater.

Bella was a vision to behold, sitting at the table with her feet propped up on another chair cutting up what looked like peaches in a large ceramic bowl, while McKynzie spoke animatedly to her swollen belly.

Her hot pink tank top was pushed out of the way and tucked beneath her mouthwatering bosom along with the black yoga pants she was wearing, giving Mac easy access to her baby bump. Every so often Mac paused intermittently between words to stroke and shower kisses on all over Bella´s glowing abdomen.

Betrayed by own body, my eyes of their own accord took a moment to drink in the beautiful woman in front of me. Never had my eyes beheld such a lovely creature and the fact that I could acknowledge that, even if it was only to myself, made me feel lower than scum.

She was absolutely stunning, but had no idea. The one thing I´d picked up on in our short time together was that Isabella Swan definitely didn´t see herself clearly. Long thick mahogany strands of hair that coiled into big fat curls at the ends were gathered into a high pony-tail atop her head.

Beautiful dark perfectly curled lashes cast shadows on the apples of her cheeks each time she blinked her mesmerizing warm chocolate eyes. The light smattering of freckles that were strategically scattered about on her heart-shaped face only served to uniquely enhance her beauty.

And her body, God her body, I groaned inwardly, as I shamefully adjusted myself in my pants, was covered by the most flawless alabaster colored skin I´d ever seen. In the sun, it almost looked translucent, pregnancy definitely suited her.

Looking at the perfection that was her skin reminded me of the other day; I almost broke my neck when I fell off the homemade step that McKynzie had made to look over the fence.

As was customary, on most days when I got home from work, after greeting Mrs. Cope, whom I kept on secretly to watch out for Bella, seeing how McKynzie didn´t seem to need her anymore, I would head over to the fence and let Bella and McKynzie know that I was home. I wasn´t a complete jerk, I always made sure to say, `hello´, to my girls every evening.

_What? _

_Your girls, when did this happen? _

_Fuck you! _

Between the talking in my head and my backstabbing dick, I was in for one hell of a fight. I was being pulled into a spinning vortex of conflicting emotions and I was seriously on the verge of a meltdown.

My heart was telling me one thing, my mind another and my fucking body was going haywire like somebody had taken a defibrillator and shocked it back to life and so far, neither one of the three were on the same page. It felt as if I was being pulled in three different directions.

Sorry about getting off topic, where was I? Oh, my embarrassing debacle at the fence. This particular day, the sun was sitting high in the sky making it rather a hot and beautiful day, a rarity for Forks, Washington. Unbeknownst to me, Bella and Mac were taking full advantage of the sunshine. Stepping up to peer over the fence as I had done many times before, my eyes took in the scene and I lost my footing and fell ass first on to the ground.

Bella was lying on a chaise lounge wearing nothing but a pair of Ray-Ban Wayfarers and a tiny navy blue two-piece bathing suit with tiny gold stars stitched all over it. She was reading a book and twirling a strand of her hair absentmindedly, while Mac played happily on a slip-n-slide.

As if the image wasn´t already burnt into my mind´s eye, hearing the commotion, Bella and Mac ran over to investigate and I found myself gawking shamelessly up at the half-naked beauty above me.

When they realized that I was okay, they both laughed so hard that big fat tears rolled down their cheeks and they hugged their sides as their bodies shook with mirth.

_Yeah, not one of my finer moments! _

I looked like a complete buffoon rolling around on the ground in dress slacks and a tie with my two left feet tangled up in an old plastic milk crate. Unfortunately, that was the first night that my _Isabella Swan_ induced erections became a problem. Refusing to give in to the dirty thoughts and carnal lust this woman evoked in me, I eventually had to resort to taking an Ambien to help me sleep when the throbbing urges became too much.

The sound of McKynzie´s voice pulled me from my reverie; she was still speaking animatedly to Isabella´s stomach. The words that fell from her lips had the lump in my throat expanding and the dark clouds of self-loathing and disgust blackening my countenance and constricting my chest, making it hard for me to breath.

"I can´t wait for you to be born," her melodic little voice carried over to me, "I´m going to be the best big sister in the world, right Bells?" Her shimmering green eyes sparkled with happiness, even a blind man could see how much she already loved the baby growing inside Isabella´s stomach.

"You sure are sweetie," Bella replied stroking her cheek lovingly. "My little boy will be so lucky to have you as his big sister. All of you," she added as an afterthought with a faraway look in her eyes.

Unbidden and unwelcomed, the memories came, like black shadows in the dark, flashing like a neon sign, waiting to consume me and feed off of my fear. Visions of Claire, pale and drawn, struggling to breath… suffering, while the bronze ringlets of a young McKynzie splayed about her abdomen, as she spoke those exact words to her mother.

Empty promises that she had no idea that she would never be able to keep. I leaned over and placed my hands on my knees in an effort to catch my breath. The bile rising in the back of my throat was fighting to get out, but I fought hard to keep it at bay.

Each breath clawed its way out of my lungs, but I could feel myself slipping farther and farther into the black abyss. Nothing was working and my head began to spin from the lack of oxygen. I had to get out of here! I had to get as far as possible away from the scene that was playing out before my eyes, away from the sleeping demons that it was awakening within me.

_I had to get away from myself!_

As quickly as my legs could carry me, I made my way to my car. Unlocking the door, I jammed the key in the ignition and was peeling out of my driveway before I´d even closed the car door all the way.

Faster than the legal limit, I sped down the 101, leaving Forks and everything it held behind me. I had to at least _try_ and outrun the pain. My hands clenched painfully tight around the steering wheel threatening to snap it in two, and before I knew it, I was ten miles outside of Port Angeles without any conscience thought of how I got there.

Running on auto-pilot, I checked into the Comfort Inn and Suites after picking up a couple of bottles of Johnnie Walker Red Label Scotch. The night-clerk eyed my rumpled appearance and my lack of luggage warily, but when I explained that I was coming from a medical convention in Seattle and had simply gotten sleepy, that seemed to appease him.

Hanging the do-not-disturb sign on the door and twisting the lock and snapping the latch, I fell on to the bed in a heap. What the fuck was I doing? I thought running my hands roughly through my hair.

_You´re running away and hiding like you always do! _

Truer words had never been spoken, that´s exactly what I was doing. And for the first time in nearly 5 years, I felt the shame and embarrassment over the realization of what I had done wash over me.

The buzzing of my cell phone interrupted my moment of self-deprecation. I let go to voicemail, just as I had done the last twelve or so times that it had rung. For lack of a better word, I was a fucking coward and even that seemed to be too generous of a word to describe my actions.

Keeping with my cowardly ways, I texted Bella about some bogus emergency at the hospital and shut my phone off; if not but for a few hours, I was determined to forget. I was determined to find a few moments peace, even if it was at the bottom of a whiskey bottle.

Unwrapping one of the complementary tumbler from the bathroom, I poured myself a hefty glass of the amber liquid and took a generous gulp. I winced at the burn as the fiery alcohol ripped its way through my chest.

Raising my glass in a mock toast, I laughed bitterly, "Fuck you, Isabella Swan and the demons you´ve conjured up!" I continued to drink until the darkness consumed me, after all, you can´t fight what you can´t see. I was too far gone to acknowledge the tears that now rained like a waterfall down my cheeks.

"I´m falling for you, Isabella Swan… hard", were the last words that slipped from my lips before I blacked out and let the darkness have me.

* * *

><p>I hope you all are still with me and enjoyed the chapter. A lot of you have bashed Edward for his detachment and the way he is, especially with McKynzie. Give him a little more time and we´ll get to the bottom of his depression and just how deep it goes. There´s hope for him yet and above all I promise we will have an HEA! Next up is how Bella reacts to Edward´s sudden disappearance. Leave me some love, even if it´s only a smiley face... otherwise, I really don´t know how well I´m doing. Until next time!<p>

~Krazi~

xoxo

Rec Korner: These are the fics that own me these days!

**Crash by BelleDean**

**Anger Management by theonlykyla**

**A Sub Search by TeamAllTwilight**

**Isla de Cullen by CaraNo**

**Secrets and Lies by BellaScotia**

**Trash and Darlin´s by CaraNo**

**Soulmates Feeling Belonging by CaraNo**

**Victoria´s Secret by RobinsFF**

In the meantime in between time, check out these great writers and their wonderful stories!

See ya soon!

~K~


	6. Chapter 5: Surviving the Storm

**AN: Hey guys! Forgive the delay, but I promise that I haven´t abandoned the story. Thank you to all of you that have PM´d me with questions about updating. Here you go and yes the story will be finished! Thanks to famaggiolo for betaing this for me, and I want to welcome the awesome jess2002 my new pre-reader/beta to the party. Thanks for all your help ladies, couldn´t do it without you! Check them both out, they are also great writers!**

**DISCLAIMER: Twilight is owned by Stephanie Meyer.**

* * *

><p>A Real Family of Her Own:<p>

Chapter Five

Surviving the Storm…

**BPOV**

Getting around at seven and a half months pregnant was no easy feat. Throw in a very rambunctious and active seven-year-old and you've got nothing but comic relief.

McKynzie Elizabeth Cullen or Mac, as she insisted that I call her from day one, was a massive ball of energy 24 hours a day 7 days a week; including while she slept.

_I´ve never believed in love at first sight, until now… _

From the moment I laid eyes on the beautiful little angel lying in bed next to me, I knew that we were destined to be together, destined to be the soothing balm to one other´s tormented souls.

We bonded over our mutual loses; mine´s… childhood, Sue and Charlie. Her´s… her mother, _Claire, and the baby brother or sister that she would never get a chance to meet_.

We came from vastly different backgrounds, but we were both filled with so much undeserving and unjustified pain that we used it as a way to forge a lasting relationship.

Long before we met, McKynzie had already deemed us best friends and I couldn´t dream of having anyone better hold that title in my life.

Sure, I had Seth, Leah, Jake, and baby Will, but for some reason, McKynzie just _got_ me, and _vice-versa_.

It was hard to believe that she and Edward had only been in my life for two and a half short months, but they both meant more to me than I was ever willing to openly admit.

I had become dependent on them.

Our little weekly family dinners, trips to Seattle, and our impromptu shopping sprees for my little soccer player… _our _little soccer player were all I looked forward to these days.

They were the moments I cherished the most.

McKynzie would insist that we shop for the baby each time that we left Esme´s after Sunday brunch. At first, Edward would grumble and just hang in the background, but eventually, he began picking up little things here and there, adding to our little guy´s spoils.

In the end, we made a game of it, seeing who could find the onesie or bib with the cutest sayings on it.

So far, McKynzie was on top; she´d found two of the cutest little onesies that came with matching bibs. One read, `Only the Cool Drool´ and the other one said, `Party in My Crib at 3AM… BYOB´. I almost peed my pants I laughed so hard when I read them.

Last Sunday, when we stopped at the Carter´s outlet right outside Seattle, Edward bought him the cutest little Seattle Seahawks outfit that made me cry when I saw it.

Thankfully, he was familiar with the struggles of pregnancy hormones, and didn't make a big deal out of me getting all emotional. Two seconds after my breakdown, I was laughing over a three-scoop Sundae with extra nuts and whipped cream from Baskin-n-Robbins.

_Can you say emotional rollercoaster!_

McKynzie and I talked daily, and from what I´d picked up from our conversations, I knew that all this _family time_ was a hard limit for Edward, but I couldn't help but feel like we shared some type of special connection.

It felt like, just _maybe,_ fate had brought us all together, and my baby and Iwere sent to Forks with the specific task of putting his broken family back together. It was a risky move on my part, but I couldn´t stop myself from daydreaming about us all becoming a _real_ family.

Edward could be the _one_, the one to take my pain away.

_Careful, Bella… _my conscience chided. _You don´t want to lay all of your eggs in one basket. You´ll be devastated if they all get broken._

As much as my brain screamed, _I was getting too deep, too fast_, I couldn´t ignore my heart as it screamed the complete and total opposite.

My heart and even my unborn child were without a doubt unanimously Team Edward!

Every time he was within a 50-foot radius, both tried to escape my body and gravitate towards the bronze-haired Adonis that made my girlie parts ache with need.

After being molested as a child, I thought I´d never be able to give myself to a man sexually, but spending time with Edward was beginning to slowly change my perspective on things.

McKynzie stirred in her sleep next to me bringing me back to the present; she was truly a remarkable little girl. How Edward could let his personal bullshit cause him to forget that was beyond me.

I reached over and grabbed my phone off of the nightstand, touching the screen for what seemed like the millionth time tonight; I gritted my teeth in agitation when I once again saw nothing but my screensaver of a smiling toothless McKynzie. It had been less than five minutes since my last text to Edward and still nothing!

_Why the fuck was he not responding to any of my messages?_

**~O~**

It´s been three fucking days since he´d conveniently gotten called away to the hospital and missed dinner Wednesday night. Aside from a text sometime during the wee hours of the morning, we hadn´t heard from him. Since then, I'd been texting him constantly, but have yet to receive a response. Tomorrow was my baby shower at Esme´s and he was supposed to be driving McKynzie and me to Seattle.

Where the fuck are you Edward Cullen?

Don´t get me wrong, I adored having my little angel living here with me. Waking up to her radiant smile every morning was the highlight of my day, but _still_ that didn´t give Edward a free pass to just up and leave us without a single word of explanation.

What kind of emergency keeps him away from his seven-year-old daughter for three fucking days?

_I don´t know anything about being a doctor, but even I could see that his story was full of bullet holes!_

My mind started playing tricks on me, coming up with all different types of scenarios; each one worst than the last. Was he hurt? Was he being held against his will? Or the worst one yet, was he with another woman?

Unable to cope with the stress and worry of all the unanswered calls and texts another minute, I decided to breakdown and call Esme.

Surely, she and Carlisle would know where their son was?

Esme answered on the second ring. "Bella, dear, is everything all right?" she asked, her voice thick with concern.

"Oh, Esme," I said apologetically, immediately feeling bad for causing her undo worry. "Everything´s fine, I didn´t mean to cause you any alarm. I was just wondering if you´d heard from Edward."

"Oh dear," she lamented, sounding slightly choked up. "He´s gone away for a few days, I was supposed to call, but I´ve been so busy with the preparations for tomorrow that it slipped my mind. Please forgive me dear." My heart swelled in my chest, and her lapse in memory was instantly forgotten at the mention of my baby shower. She was working so hard to make everything perfect for my little man and me.

How could I hold anything against her?

Breaking through my thoughts, Esme fretted. "Oh dear, I hope that McKynzie hasn´t been too much of a burden. I´ll be the first to admit that my granddaughter can be a handful. I was actually going to call you this morning so that you could pack her enough clothes to spend a few weeks here with her papa and me. What time will you guys be leaving tomorrow?"

I´m sure when Esme suggested that I leave McKynzie in Seattle tomorrow, she was just trying to help, but as I broke into a full-on sob, it had the opposite effect.

"W-w-why d-does she have t-to s-stay?" I choked out pitifully. "She belongs here with me."

I knew that my hormones were getting the best of me, and I was seriously overreacting, but I couldn´t find it in myself to care. "Now, now sweetheart… calm down. All this fuss isn´t good for the baby, dear," Esme chided me in a motherly tone. "I was simply concerned about your well-being. I didn´t want you overdoing it by having to look after a very active seven year old."

"So that means she doesn't have to stay in Seattle after the baby shower?" I asked, quieting down to a sniffle.

"No dear," Esme conceded on an elongated sigh. "As long as she behaves and you _don´t_ overdo it, she´s more than welcome to return with you to Forks." Moving on like I hadn´t just had a semi-nervous breakdown five seconds ago, Esme again asked. "Now what time should I expect you and McKynzie to arrive tomorrow?"

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><p><strong>Well, I hope I didn´t let you all down. I´m happy to inform you that the next chapter is ready as well and will be up in a week. I´ll try to keep ahead so I´ll always have a chapter to post. We´re one step away from the prologue. Yikes! Okay so I lied, if the chapter gets a good response, I´ll give you the next chapter tomorrow! Check out my blog. http(:)krazi4twisaga(:)blogspot(:)com under the story heading for pictures of outfits, characters, the nursery etc... Thanks for sticking with me!<strong>

**Krazi**

**xoxo**


	7. Chapter 6: When the Music Stops

**AN: Well here we are, the saga continues... Thanks to everyone who took the time to leave me a review! I thought the next best thing to responding to them all was to give you another update! Enjoy!**

**Thanks to my beta, famaggiolo, and a big welcome to, jess2002, my new pre-reader/beta! Thank you both so much for all your help! And guys be sure to checkout their profiles, as they are both great writers as well!**

**DISCLAIMER: Twilight is owned by, Stephanie Meyer.**

* * *

><p>A Real Family of Her Own:<p>

Chapter Six

When the Music Stops…

**EsmePOV **

As I replaced the handset in its cradle, my shoulders sagged in defeat.

Where had I gone wrong?

My baby boy was lost, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn´t get him to come back to me. It wasn´t until the beautiful, shy and unassuming brunette walked into his life, did I see the tiniest glimmer of hope.

I knew all those years ago when I met her as an awkward, but mature far beyond her age teenager that she would one day take my son´s breath away.

Thinking back over the life of my green-eyed, bronze-haired baby boy, I couldn´t help but shake my head. He´d been through far too much in his young life, and he yet had a ways to go.

Marrying his best friend from high school not too long after graduation, Edward always just seemed to do the right thing; even if it was for all the _wrong_ reasons.

Claire Whitney was the granddaughter of Scott and Katherine Whitney, two of Chicago's wealthiest individuals. After losing her parents to an automobile accident at the tender age of nine, and then her beloved grandfather, to a heart attack, at the age of fourteen, she and Edward bonded over their common losses.

It was in their first year of high school that my father Edward Masen II succumbed to pancreatic cancer, devastating all of us, but especially Edward.

My father was a retired concert pianist turned conductor for the Chicago Philharmonic orchestra, and he and Edward bonded over their love for classical music.

Edward found a kindred spirit in Claire, and they became thick as thieves. The poor child was at my house more than she was at her own. Of course, I didn´t blame her, Katherine Whitney had turned into quite the bitter harpy after her husband´s passing.

Poor woman was already hanging by a thread, so it didn't surprise when I receive the call that she had drank herself to death after Claire´s, her only living relatives, passing.

Deep down, she always had a soft spot for my sweet boy, and it came as no surprise to any of us when her lawyer contacted Edward, letting him know that he and Mac had been named the sole beneficiaries to the entire Whitney estate.

I don´t have to tell you that _that_ was a _lot_ of zeros, all two hundred and fifty-five million of them to be exact! Never will McKynzie want for anything again.

_Not that she ever did, but I digress!_

Getting back to Claire, I absolutely adored her. She was like another daughter to me, but I also knew that she wasn´t the right woman for my son.

Edward and Claire were both settling, and nothing Carlisle and I said could make them see that.

It was as easy as breathing for them.

First kiss!

First date!

First lover!

You get the point; there were a lot of firsts for those two. Although some of them, I could have done without knowing.

I almost had a stroke when Claire approached me about birth control. So _not_ how I wanted to start off a quiet Saturday morning, even though I had insisted that I was there for all of my children!

And yes, that included Claire.

So, in keeping with my promise, I accompanied a frightened Claire to the doctor´s office and held her hand while she asked questions about the pros and cons of different types of birth control.

From there on out, those two were inseparable.

Their relationship reminded me of a child reluctant to let go of his cherished security blanket. No matter how tattered and worn the blanket became, the child knew that it would always provide him safety.

Much like a blanket, Claire knew that Edward would protect her; never causing her a moment's harm and that went double for Edward.

Young and naïve, Claire worshiped the ground that my son walked on. She would do anything to make him happy, even if it meant losing her young life in the process.

As much as I wanted to tell Bella everything, it wasn´t my story to tell, but that didn´t stop me from hinting every chance that I got that my son and Bella would be perfect together.

I hated lying to the poor girl, but if she knew that this last episode that had sent Edward on a downward spiral was over her _and_ her unborn child, she would never forgive herself.

**~O~**

Two days ago, my husband and my two son-in-laws found my broken baby boy, drunk off his ass in a filthy hotel room in the small town of Port Angeles.

Thank God Emmett works for the Seattle PD and was able to track him down using the GPS device in his phone. When I received a frantic call from my youngest, Alice, telling me that Edward had called her frantic and not making much sense, we all leapt into action.

Though it wouldn´t be the first time that Edward went off and wallowed in depression, but I was praying to God that it would be the last.

Hearing the door to the garage open, I looked up from my now ice cold cup of coffee to see my beautiful husband of more than thirty-five years come into the kitchen. He looked like a man that had seen more than his fare share of heartache.

The light in his sparkling baby blue eyes had gone dim.

Usually, this was the look he got, or some semblance of it, when he lost a patient. Knowing that it was our only son that had put that look there, had tears spilling from my eyes, I just sat there watching in a daze, as he robotically moved around the kitchen, fixing himself a cup of coffee.

I waited until he was seated to ask the dreaded question. "How was he?"

Wearily, Carlisle´s tired body slumped down onto the stool next to me. "Not good," Carlisle exhaled on a tired sigh. "He´s extremely agitated, and is still refusing to accept help. He hasn´t had a decent night´s sleep in days and he´s adamant about not eating." Carlisle dragged a tired hand through his un-kept blonde hair and pinched the bridge of his nose. "I´m worried about him, Es. He´s not thinking straight, I´m afraid he´s dangerously close to having a mental breakdown and there´s nothing that we can do to stop it!"

"Oh, Carlisle," I sobbed, sagging tiredly into my husband. "They won´t let him leave will they? They´ll stop him if he tries," I cried out in desperation.

Never had it been this bad, I mean, yeah, he´d run off with McKynzie that one time, but he would never let any harm come to his baby girl! This time, without him having _her _there as a motivation… Dear God, I shuddered to think what would happen to my son.

Would my baby boy even be able to fight his way back to me this time?

"Shh… sweetheart, we´ll figure something out," Carlisle promised, tightening his already vice-like grip on me. "Good thing is, he hasn´t even calmed down enough to even realize that he´s not being held against his will. Edward has no idea that he could just walk out of the facility anytime that he gets ready." And I was silently praying that he never realized it.

As a favor to Carlisle, one of his colleagues and our closest friends, Siobhan O´Reilly, was the head of a very successful and very private rehab facility.

She wasted no time getting Edward a private suite, and was personally overseeing his care. Edward adored Siobhan, and to hear that he was being downright rude and hostile towards her, let me know that that was not my son in that facility, but merely a shell of his former self.

"Well," I sat up wiping my eyes, "the girls will be here shortly to help set up the garden for the baby shower. Why don´t you go shower and lay down for a while, dear."

As if it physically pained him, Carlisle rose from the chair and trudged his feeble body up the stairs.

**~O~**

Later that night, I settled myself on the chaise lounge in my sunroom to have a much-needed glass of wine.

Everything had gone off without a hitch and my girls and my unborn grandson couldn't have been happier with the outcome.

Yes, I had already laid claim on the precious life that was growing inside Isabella's womb. For all intents and purposes, she was my daughter now, and it would only be logical that I would consider the baby she's carrying my grandson.

She and McKynzie showed up this morning looking radiantly beautiful in varying shades of blue; at a glance, it was hard to believe that they _weren´t_ mother and daughter.

Bella was wearing a very flattering maxi dress in blue paisley that brushed the tops of her silver sandal-covered feet. And I don't know how Bella did it, but my granddaughter looked absolutely adorable in a little navy blue dress that looked to be made of bandanas.

The sundress was tied around her neck by a wide white satin ribbon. She had paired the outfit with a pair of white leggings that had a ruffle trim around the bottom and her favorite pair of Ugg leather biker boots.

_So McKynzie!_

Let's just say, that while her aunt Rosalie – the buyer of said boots – saw her come in she whistled her approval, while her aunt Alice – the dress buyer – disapproved visually and rather vocally.

Never had I seen her looking so _cute_!

She had her own way of seeing things, and it showed in her fashion!

Her hair was a mass of thick bronze curls, held back by a white headband with a large flower attached to it, and her innocent green eyes sparkled with happiness.

Much to no one´s surprise, she was glued to Bella´s side the entire day. Not even once had she asked about the whereabouts of her father. My pint-sized warrior was a fierce protector of the ones she loved, and it was obvious to all of us that she had chosen sides.

It was Mac, Bella and the baby against the world, and I could tell that she wouldn´t have had it any other way.

The shower was filled with family and friends that even included Jacob, Leah, Seth, and baby Will, who had ridden up with the girls, so Bella wouldn´t have to drive back and forth to Forks alone.

Baby boy Swan-Cullen would never want for anything his entire life. Bella received so many gifts and baby necessities that she wouldn´t have to go shopping for at least the first three years of her son´s life, and I may be downplaying it a bit, but I swear that little boy was not the owner of his own diaper warehouse.

The icing on the cake was when I showed them the gift from the Cullen family. Carlisle and I, along with the girls and their husbands, had remodeled one of the guestrooms so that the baby could have his own nursery when he came to visit Nana and Papa.

_And he would be visiting Nana and Papa, often!_

Countless streams of tears flowed down Bella´s porcelain cheeks as she looked around the beautiful room. My heart lodged itself in my throat when I heard McKynzie quietly whisper, "It´s okay mommy, please don´t cry. I´ll bet Nana will change it if you don´t like it." Big crocodile-sized tears ran down my little angel´s cheeks, as she snuggled closer into Bella´s side and rubbed her expanded belly.

Standing there looking absolutely glowing, Bella smoothed her hair and wiped a fallen tear with the pad of her thumb, "Mommy´s not sad sweetie, she´s just being silly and hormonal. Everything´s perfect, and I know that your little brother´s going to love sleeping in here when he visits Nana and Papa."

Oblivious to their audience, Bella and Mac were unaware that anyone had witnessed their exchange. Rose, Alice and I had to rush from the room with our hands clamped tightly over our mouths to rein in our joyous cries.

We were all in agreement when it came to Isabella, she was sent into our lives to for a reason. To heal my son´s wounded heart and to give McKynzie her greatest wish… _a mother!_

I was so caught in recapping the day that I didn´t register the house phone ringing until I heard Carlisle´s frantic voice. Searching frantically for a clock, I checked to see what time it was.

Bella and Mac should have made it home by now, maybe that was them calling to let us know that they had arrived safely. It was wishful thinking, and no sooner than the thought entered my head was my hopes dashed by the ashen look on Carlisle´s face.

A million different scenarios played themselves out in my head in the short time it took for Carlisle to finish up on the phone. I couldn´t remember the last breath I´d taken, and my lungs were beginning to burn with the lack of oxygen.

"That was Siobhan," Carlisle said in a voice void of emotion. "Edward left the facility this afternoon, and no one seems to know where he is."

"Oh dear God," I choked, bringing a trembling hand up to my lips. "Why didn´t anyone contact us before now?" My worry was slowly turning to outrage. How could they just let him walk out the building without as much as a phone call to Carlisle?

Reading my mind, Carlisle continued. "It seems that Siobhan was off-sight having a session with another client, and Edward´s file has strict orders to contact her if there was any change. She´s just now getting back to the center, and I can´t in good conscience blame her for what happened."

Just as I was about to insist that Carlisle try Edward´s cell, or call Emmett, the house phone began ringing again. Looking down at the caller ID screen, Carlisle frantically hit the talk button. "Edward, son, where are you? Your mother and I were worried sick!"

My lungs rejoiced when I released the breath that I had been selfishly holding. _My son was okay… my baby boy was okay,_ was the only thing I was repeating inside my head. Too bad I was celebrating prematurely. The next words out of Carlisle´s mouth would be the last ones I´d hear for awhile. "Oh my God… Hold on son, your mother and I, we´re on our way!"

Looking at me with tears in his eyes, Carlisle spoke the words that I´d dreaded to hear, "Isabella´s in the hospital; it´s the baby."

The room started spinning, and everything went black.

**~O~**

"Es, wake-up," Carlisle prodded gently. "Sweetheart, we´re here, Isabella and our grandchildren need us."

Taking in my surrounding for the first time in what seemed like hours, I was surprised to find myself in a helicopter on the room of some building. "Carlisle, wha…"

But before I could get my question out, my husband was rushing from the aircraft and into the building. "I´ll explain later," he said, taking in my confused expression, "right now our daughter and our grandson need us!"

That surely got my attention, and I was in full mama bear mode, I was determined to get to my cubs and make everything all better.

What I wasn´t expecting to see when we arrived at the ICU waiting room was my other two children consoling a very distraught McKynzie. As soon as her red swollen eyes landed on her papa, and I, she was out her seat in a flash.

"Papa, please," she begged through gut wrenching sobs, tugging on fiercely on Carlisle´s coat. "Please, Papa, fix my mommy and save my little brother. Please Papa, please! You´re the best baby doctor in the world! Please_ fix_ my mommy!"

Frantically, she began to push Carlisle towards the ICU doors. Running on pure adrenaline, her little body shoved and bristled against Carlisle´s adult one. "Hey there, Muffin," Carlisle cooed, kneeling down to capture her in his embrace. I was afraid the poor child would hurt herself if we didn´t get her to calm down. "Papa´s here, but there are other doctors that here to take care of Bella and the baby too, I´m sure everything is going to be alright. Calm down sweetheart."

Shaking her head wildly, as a torrent of tears streamed down her cheeks, Mac protested. "No Papa! She needs _you_! _They! Need!_ _You!_" She emphasized each word as if she was attempting to explain algebra to a two year old, but it was the stress that she put on the word _you_ that caused my heart to bleed.

_She thought her papa walked on water!_

My heart was breaking at the sight before me. I was a mother, a grandmother for crying out loud! Never had I felt like more of a failure in all my life. Here I was just standing, doing absolutely nothing, while my granddaughter´s heart was breaking, and my other child and grandchild fought for their lives.

Just as I was about send Carlisle off to get information on Isabella and the baby´s conditions, the double doors to the Intensive Care Unit opened, and a person that I didn't even recognize as my own son came walking through them.

Edward looked haggard.

Like a man that was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. When our eyes met, his were dead lifeless pools of murky green water. Nothing prepared me for what happened next.

As if possessed by some kind of demon, McKynzie shot off like a rocking in the direction of her father, but instead of embracing him and asking him about Bella and the baby, she balled up her tiny fists and began to pummel him mercilessly. "I hate you! I hate you!" She screamed delivering blow after blow to anywhere she could reach on his body. "Why did you have to come back? Why did you have to ruin everything? We were happy! She said she would be my mommy… that she would take care of me… that she would _never leave_!" She screamed and screamed, never losing steam, never backing down from her chosen fight.

And Edward just stood there, like a statue. Never once did he defend himself against her accusations. He just _stood_ there looking as guilty as sin.

I was confused.

What had we missed?

Mac was inconsolable and no amount of coaxing could get her to stop. By now her little throat was raw, fatigued by all of her screaming. Hospital personnel had to be summoned. As much as it broke his heart, Carlisle gave the order for her to be sedated.

I winced as the needle pricked her soft skin. "Why," she continued to croak sleepily. "Why did you try to take me away? Why did you try to hurt my mommy," was the last recognizable statement that fell from her lips before her tiny body went lifeless in my arms."

I wept silently over my sleeping princess, before steeling my angry gaze on my very guilty looking son, "Edward Anthony Cullen, what, in God´s name, have you done?"

* * *

><p><strong>Well, we´re getting warmer! I hoped you all enjoyed Esme´s POV, and I hope you are not angry with her for only giving a tidbit of Edward´s past. But I have to agree with her when I say that it´s Edward´s story to tell. Next up the prologue! See ya in 7! Leave me love... it inspires me!<strong>

**Krazi**

**xoxo**


	8. Chapter 7: Somethings You Can t Take

**AN:**

**Squeee... first update of the new year! *Be warned... it´s a tear-jerker* Tissue Alert!**

**Beta´d by: Jess2002**

**DISCLAIMER: STEPHANIE MEYER IS THE MASTERMIND BEHIND THE TWILIGHT SAGA... I´M JUST ONE OF HER FAITHFUL FOLLOWERS!**

* * *

><p>A Real Family of Her Own:<p>

Chapter Seven

Some Things… You Can´t Take Back…

**EPOV**

Since running away from the only good thing to ever happen to me Wednesday night, my life had been one cluster-fuck after another.

Starting with my father and brother-in-laws busting into my hotel room all guns-a-blazing and shit!

I nearly had a heart attack when I cracked open one eye and saw Em´s big burly-looking ass hulking over me.

_Laying there in my own filth, I could do nothing more than laugh like a crazy person when I took in the expression on the faces of the three men standing over me. "Are you guys auditioning to be the new Three Stooges?" I laughed hysterically. "Oh, no, I´ve got it; you guys are the fucking Musketeers!" Ignoring their puzzled looks, I continued to guffaw like a madman. "Cause you fuckers look pretty ridiculous, busting in here like there´s some kind of goddamn emergency. Where´s the fucking fire," I snorted out. _

Not one of my finest moments let me tell you!

The sad fucking thing about all this was that I remembered every painfully embarrassing detail with perfect clarity. I couldn´t even get lucky enough to suffer from drunken memory loss.

No, that shit just kept playing on a constant loop inside my damn head! My conscience had switched to Team Assward, and was now taking great pleasure in reminding me what a fucking douchebag I was.

But unfortunately, my fuck-ups didn´t stop there.

_No sir-e-Bob!_

I had to continue on with my _fuckery_ by insulting and belittling one of my parent´s _dearest_ friends, and an esteemed colleague of my father´s. Siobhan was a very sought-after psychiatrist who, as a courtesy to my family, was only trying to help me out. But what did I do? I continually hurled insults her way, and belittle her medical knowledge.

_All because I refused to come to terms with my own demons!_

After all, I was the great _Dr_. Edward Cullen, child prodigy!

_I_ graduated prep school at sixteen!

_I _went on to graduate from Dartmouth top of my class!

I was the youngest resident to _ever_ be accepted into the program at Virginia Mason Medical Center!

Me… it was all me!

_I fought for everything; and despite my parent´s wealth, nothing was ever handed to me!_

Who the hell did she think she was, trying to shrink me!

I wasn´t fucking having it!

Didn´t matter if I fucking _needed _it!

_I wasn´t fucking having it!_

And as soon I calmed the hell down, and my brain had time to fucking compute, I realized that they couldn´t hold me against my will!

I hadn´t done anything wrong; and sober, I wasn´t a danger to anyone!

Well, except myself!

But that didn´t require a stay in the fucking loony bin!

Too bad it took me nearly four days to figure that shit out!

Once I blew that fucking Popsicle stand, I took a taxi to the nearest Enterprise Rent-a-Car. I didn´t have the first fucking clue as to where my own personal vehicle was, but thankfully, I still had my wallet with identification and all my credit cards.

_Simple as one, two, three!_

_Who´s laughing now, Carlisle!_

In no time, I was seated behind the wheel of a shiny black, fully loaded Dodge Charger, headed for the 101 hwy in the direction of Forks. It had been days since I´d seen my little girl, and I was missing her like crazy.

No matter how much of a cold-hearted bastard I was, one thing would never change, and that was my never-ending love for McKynzie. I knew that I was terrible at showing it, but there was no way I could live without my little angel.

_What about your other girl! _The bastard taking up residence in my head sneered. _Don´t you miss her too? _

_And what about him, don't you miss gushing over him?_

"Fuck!" I screamed out into the empty vehicle. I didn´t need this shit right now, I had to concentrate on the stretch of road ahead of me.

Easier said than done!

We´d ridden this same stretch of highway countless times, and I loathed to admit that they were some of the happiest of my life!

Up until now, I had done a good job of putting _them _out of my mind.

If I didn´t think about _them_, then it just didn´t hurt as much. Each time I closed my eyes I saw nothing but warm chocolate eyes smiling down at me adoringly. And lately, there was always a green-eyed newborn smiling up at me from its place, nestled in my arms.

I tugged at my hair in frustration, trying to rid myself of the images that would never be.

He wasn´t fucking mine!

_But he could be. _The voice taunted.

No, he couldn´t!

And I refuse to continue living in a fantasy world!

"Shut the fuck up!" I yelled like a goddamn madman. To the cars passing by, I must have resembled a crazy-person, yelling and gesticulating wildly with my hands to absolutely no one.

The almost too real vision of us as a family was the reason that I hadn´t slept for over three day. I was running on fumes. The flashing lights announcing a Starbucks attached to a truck stop caught my eye and I pulled in to get a little liquid fuel.

Two Venti cups of chocolate mocha and one to go – all with triple shots of espresso – and I´m back on the road. Forks bound.

Headed to see my girls!

No, no, no, _no!_

She´s _not_ my fucking girl!

_And she never will be! _

No matter how bad I _wanted _them to be, Bella Swan and her unborn child would _never_ be mine!

And the sooner I got that through my thick head the better off I´d be!

_Bella fucking Swan!_

The very bane of my goddamn existence!

She made it so fucking easy to love her. Until she came to Forks and turned my fucking world upside down, my life had been spent in constant darkness.

All of sudden, bits of light started breaking through, and I found myself hoping again without ever consciously giving myself permission to do so. Isabella Swan was slowly bringing me back to life.

All these months of pretending that I wasn´t totally fucked up in the head and that we were a real family was just that… _pretending!_

Bella could never know the truth about what I let happen to Claire. What I let happen to McKynzie´s _mother_! How I let my own selfish needs cost Claire her life.

_The entire thing was my fault!_

_I was the reason that Claire was dead!_

_My selfish needs cost me my best friend!_

**~O~**

Christ, the trip to Forks was brutal.

As a doctor, I was used to going hours, sometimes days, without any sleep, but _today _fucking sucked!

Several times I had to pull over to the side of the road, and take a few steps outside of the car. The highway between Seattle and Forks wasn't that busy, so there were fewer truck stops and restaurants on that stretch of road.

Endless groups of trees lined the highway, just trying to entice me to sleep. Thankfully, I made it in record time, but it wasn´t without a hell of a lot of effort on my part.

When I finally pulled into my driveway and cut the engine, I was fucking exhausted; both physically _and_ mentally.

And emotionally, I was a fucking wreck!

Opening the car door, I was immediately overwhelmed by her presence. My head fell back against the headrest as my feeble body sagged into the seat. How in the fuck can she still have this type of effect on me?

_Three days!_

_Three fucking brutal days!_

Three long ass days of trying to rid myself of every vestige of this beautiful woman, and for _what! _To come home and the desire to go to her be just as strong, if not stronger, as before.

I couldn´t even get out of the fucking car without feeling the pull that she had on me. My entire body yearned, and ached to be near her.

"I fucking _hate_ you Isabella Swan!" I whispered through clenched teeth, as my fists pounded against the steering wheel.

_No you don´t!_ My worthless piece of shit of a conscience argued. _You fucking love her! And you and I both know it! _

_We both fucking feel it!_

I was losing my goddamn mind!

My entire body was Team Bella, but I was fighting like hell to stay away!

_This_, this all-consuming need to be around her, to see her mothering my child, to see her fucking smile, to smell the delicate scent of Sweat Pea lotion mixed with the natural pheromones of her skin…

_Christ, I even knew what type of lotion and body wash she used!_

Fearing that I would be sucked into her web the moment I looked into her doe eyes, I tore out of the car and sought refuge in the quiet stillness of my house.

Here she couldn´t harm me!

Here, inside my home, I would be safe from the beautiful siren that called to me from next door.

Boy was I fucking wrong about that one!

As if it was on a time-release, as soon as I opened the door, her sweet-smelling scent hit me like a ton of bricks. I stumbled into the wall for support, when my knees threatened to give out on me.

_What the hell!_

_Why has she been here?_

Why the fuck was _she_ in my house?

"_Look at you, all Mr. High and Mighty and shit. You fucking disgust me!"_

My head snapped up at the sound of my voice, and I had to do a double-take when I saw a mirror-image of myself standing across the room.

"Fuck," I gasped in astonishment, reeling from the craziness that was going on inside my head. "I really _am_ losing my fucking mind."

"_I´d say, you´ve fucking lost it,"_ my body-double corrected. But that wasn´t all he had to say, _"The nerve of you, questioning her presence in your goddamn home. Who the hell do you think has been keeping a smile on your child´s face while you fold-up like a pussy and whine to a goddamn whiskey bottle? Who the fuck do you think has been making your daughter hot fucking chocolate and singing her back to sleep when she´s plagued with fucking nightmares?" _ With each loaded question, he took a step closer, and I took a step back. Squinting my eyes shut, and shaking my head furiously from side-to-side in an attempt to regain my bearings, I willed the figment of my demented imagination to go away.

"It´s not fucking real, it´s not fucking real, _it´s not fucking real…"_ I chanted over and over, in an effort to convince myself that this was all just a bad dream.

It had been days since I´d gotten any amount of decent rest, and this was my mind´s way of coping with all the stress. After a nice hot shower and another cup of coffee, all the madness would come to an end.

"_Keep telling yourself that, pretty boy,"_ the hallucination chuckled darkly. _"I can assure you that you won´t get rid of me that easily!" _

I opened my eyes, and fuck, if he wasn´t right in my damn face. I swear that I could feel his breath fanning across my face. I backed up again and lost my footing, tangling myself up in the cord of a lamp that had fallen from the end table.

With the heels of my hands I rubbed, almost gauged at my eyes out, trying, but failing miserably to make the image that my mind had conjured up go away.

"_Not until you do right by her, Cullen,"_ he warned in a dark tone. _"Not until you do right by all of them!_

Ignoring the pain in my knee, I scrambled to free myself from the offending piece of furniture. As soon as I was free, I regained my footing, and rushed into my bathroom, slamming and locking the door behind me. I pressed my body against the door, doubling my efforts to keep him away from me.

I could hear the hallucination laughing maniacally from the other side of the door. _"As if that will keep me out, you´re a fool, Edward Cullen, if you think that you can get rid of me that easily!"_

_This was seriously some freaky shit!_

I was beginning to question if I´d left the hospital prematurely.

Desperately needing to wake up from this horrible fucking nightmare, I bolted for the shower. Turning the spray on full-force and as hot as it would go, I climbed in, clothes and all. I didn´t even wait for the water to heat up, so the blast of cold, shocked me back to reality.

My lungs burned and my chest heaved with each one of my staggered breaths. "What the fuck was that?" I asked no one in particular, all the while, praying that I didn´t receive an answer.

Leaning my head back against the cool stone tiles, I willed my breathing to slowdown and prayed that my rapidly beating heart would stay inside my chest.

_Just my luck to have a fucking heart attack!_

When it seemed like my body was functioning somewhat normally again, I peeled away the wet clothes that where sticking to my soaked body and let the harsh hot spray beat against my tense muscles. It wasn´t until the water ran cold that I reluctantly left my hiding spot.

And let´s face it; I _was_ hiding, even if it was only from myself!

**~O~**

When I was sure that I was no longer seeing things or _people _in my case, I threw on a pair of jeans, my favorite Ozzy Osborne t-shirt and my extra-worn pair of black Doc Martins.

_It was time to get the hell out of Forks!_

After calling the Comfort Inn and Suites in Port Angeles and finding out that my car was no longer there, I decided to pack Mac and me a bag and skip town. I would ask my mother and sisters to take care of the house, once McKynzie and I got settled into our new lives somewhere far away from Washington.

Thanks to my father, I didn´t have a fucking job to go back to, so there was no reason us to stick around Forks.

_Are you sure about that? _

_Very!_

_We needed a clean break!_

_She_ needed a clean break!

I wasn't worried; Jacob, Leah, and Seth would take good care of _her_.

_Of them!_

My eyes burned with the tears that I refuse to shed. This was the best decision for all parties involved. Summer was almost over; I would take this period of down time and really focus on reconnecting with my daughter.

McKynzie was my first priority now, and I wouldn´t waste another minute taking that for granted. We had more than enough money to live off of, so I wouldn´t need to look for work for a while. Who knows, maybe it was time to open my own practice, where I would have more control over my hours.

I let out a deep sigh; all this was easier said than done.

First, I had to convince Mac that getting as far away from Isabella Swan as possible was what we both needed. Opening the refrigerator, I had to force myself to reach for a bottle of water and not the Budweiser that my taste buds craved. Liquid courage was better than no courage at all. Shaking my head to dispel the silly thoughts, I chugged down the frosty bottle of water. I needed to have a clear head when I faced _her, _adding alcohol to the equation would just make things more confusing.

Deciding it was time, I headed over to Bella´s.

**~O~**

Standing outside the ICU waiting room at Forks General Hospital, I still couldn´t believe how bad things had gotten. And once again, this entire mess was _my _fault! If anything happened to Bella and her precious little boy because of me, it would be my undoing.

I was responsible for Bella going into early labor; my little girl hated me, and if anything happened to that little boy or his mother, my family would never forgive me. What the hell was I thinking, pushing her like that; saying all those awful and malicious things to her?

All those lies!

Blasphemy, that's what it was!

Every bitter, acidic word that left my mouth was a blatant lie! I loved Isabella Swan with every fiber of my being, and I was too much of a _coward _to admit it. Now, because of me, not only was she fighting for her life, but her child´s life was in jeopardy as well. A child I´ve longed to call my own for months.

I had to make things right!

I wasn´t going to lose them!

Mack was not going to lose another mother!

Goddamn it, Bella _was_ going to raise her son!

_Our son!_

And I would stop at nothing until I gave her back everything that I´d taken from her, four-hundred fold.

A sharp pain shot through my chest at the thought of what price I may have to pay to make such a thing happen. It may very well cost me Bella and her son… _our son_. Sadly, that was a price I was all too willing to pay if it meant that my brown-eyed angel was happy again.

That just meant that I would have to fight even harder to keep my family!

My mother´s sharp tongue, snapped me out of my silent stupor. "Edward Anthony Cullen, _what_, in God´s name, have you done?" My mother stood, hands on her hips, glaring daggers at me.

My head snapped up as I saw a nurse accompany my daughter´s limp body as it was wheeled down the corridor. Just another casualty destroyed by all my selfishness, it hurt to think it, but perhaps McKynzie _was_ better off with Bella. At least my little girl was happy, well she was until I had to go and fuck everything up _again_!

Red, swollen eyes, burning with unshed tears followed the gurney that carried my little girl until it disappeared out of sight. I silently prayed that she would one day be able to forgive me… for _everything_!

_I was defeated!_

_In that moment, it felt like I´d lost everything!_

My feet felt heavy, as if they had been encased in blocks of cement, and without responding to my mother´s question, or _accusation_ in this case, I trudged toward the waiting room and dropped down in an empty chair. It felt like I´d aged twenty years in the past four and a half hours.

I pulled in a ragged breath and in a monotone voice that I didn't recognize as my own, I began to recant the nightmare that had landed us in the hospital, sparing my audience not a single one of the gruesome details. It would be a miracle if I had any family left after all of this was over.

"I went to Bella´s to get McKynzie," I croaked past the dry ache in my throat. "She wouldn´t listen, she just kept pushing and pushing until…" Gripping two fists full of my hair, the memories so fresh, so strong, and the words so bitter just flew from my mouth with no way for me to stop them.

_Fuck, I yanked at my hair in frustration. Bella and I had been going back and forth for what seemed like hours now and I was mentally and emotionally sick of it! _

_We were getting no-fucking-where!_

"_Edward," she huffed for what seemed like the umpteenth time. "Why won´t you talk to me? I thought we were friends?"_

"_Damn it Bella, that´s not fair and you know it," I barked, resembling a bitter caged wild animal pacing the length of her family room. "I´m closer to you than my own family, I... I... I just can´t! Please, don´t push; let it go. I´m begging you, just drop it, please!" My voice was so small at the end that it was barely audible._

_God, doesn't this woman realize what she's doing to me? I feel like my fucking heart is splitting in two. The longer I stay here, the harder it´s becoming for me to leave. To just walk away, and turn my back on everything I feel for this beautiful creature._

_She doesn´t know me!_

_The real me!_

_Cause if she did, she´d be running for the hills and taking her unborn child with her!_

_This needs to end._

_Now!_

_I knew what I had to do, to end this nightmare for all of us._

_I had to hurt Bella._

_Cut her so deep that she would have no other choice but to hate me._

_She reached out a hand to touch me, but I halted her movements by gently, yet firmly pinning her hands to her sides. She was rendered immobile._

"_Don´t fucking touch me, Bella," I sneered viciously. I could hear her heart beating rapidly in her chest. She had never seen me this angry before, and I knew that I was finally getting my point across. _

_Smelling the fear seeping from her pores, I sneered, "I told you, you __don´t__ know anything about me. I don´t need you to fucking care about me either. I´m not some nut case that you need to over-analyze. __Nor__ am I a fucking character out of one of your shitty little books, Bella." She jolted at the cruelty of my words as if she´d been slapped; she couldn´t believe that I would say something like that. _

_Hell, I couldn´t believe it either! _

_Each word that fell from my lips left a bitter taste in my mouth._

_It killed me to have to say such cruel and hurtful things, but this was the only way to make her see me for the monster that I truly was. It was one thing to attack her personally, but it was a wholly different story to attack her work. _

_She was very self-conscience about her writing, and though she was successful, it wasn´t something she liked to share. Very few people knew of Bella´s success in the literary world. If she let you in, it meant that you had gained her trust. I had just taken aforementioned trust and stomped all over it, and threw it back in her face. _

_I´d betrayed her in the worst way._

_And I hated myself for it!_

_I was lower than fucking scum!_

_Her shoulders slumped in defeat; I could see the fight go out of her when she whispered, "Just go."_

_If I was going to hell, I might as well make it a First Class trip. Giving the knife that I´d already stabbed her in the heart with a sharp twist; I spoke the words that I knew would finish her off._

_In a voice much softer, but void of all emotion I spoke, "I´m sorry Bella; I never meant for any of this to happen." Each word tasted acidic on my tongue, and I felt each one strike me deep, like the sharp lash of a bullwhip. "I let this go on long enough, you´re just not good for me… for us. I promise that McKynzie won´t be bothering you anymore, we´re leaving Forks, and we´re not coming back." _

_Bella watched in a daze as I carried a kicking and screaming McKynzie down the stairs. "No Daddy!" McKynzie screamed, pounding her little fists into my back. I knew that my daughter would hate me for awhile, but this was for her own good. She´d see… eventually. "I want to stay with Belly. Please Daddy, don´t make me go!" With each one of McKynzie´s shrill cries, my heart broke just a little more. "Mommy, please! Don´t let him take me!" _

_My steps faltered as McKynzie´s words cut me to the core. Finally, she had gotten the one thing she desired most in the world, and I was ripping it all away from her. I wouldn´t be surprised if she hated me for the rest of her life. It would be no more than I deserve!_

_Sensing my hesitation, Bella found her voice. "You fucking coward!" She yelled at my back. "At least be man enough to look me in the eye when you steal my daughter away from me!" _

_What!_

_She thought of Mac as her daughter?_

_Oh God, what have I done!_

_My entire body stiffened at her words, and I froze mid-step. This had gotten out of hand, but I had no idea how to stop it. So like the cowardly bastard I was proving to be, I let the monster in me take over. _

_Slowly, I turned to face her, and for a brief moment. All the hurt in her eyes, I knew she could see mirroring back in mine. All too soon though, it was gone, and the angry emotional asshole in me was back. "Good bye, Isabella," I smirked evilly. "Take care of __your son__, and I´ll take care of my daughter!" And with that last verbal slap in the face, I walked out the door with a kicking and screaming McKynzie in tow._

"_Da-da-d-daddy... pa-pa-pah-lease," she hiccupped only to have her cries fall on deaf ears. "I-I-I wanna stay with Belly. Please Daddy?" I moved stiffly with measured steps towards the car. I had checked out emotionally, and was now running on auto pilot._

_I could hear Bella crying and gasping from her porch. She was begging and pleading with me to stay, as I fought to get McKynzie into her car seat. It wasn´t until her hiccupping turned to sharp gasps that I realized she was going into a full-on panic attack. The doctor in me leapt into action, and I was back on the porch just in time to keep her from hitting the ground._

_Her body twisted at an odd angle, and she let out an ear-piercing cry that ripped through my soul. "Fuck," I hissed, watching helplessly as her body started to convulse. I turned to my little girl for help, but she was already on the phone with 911. I couldn´t make out what she was saying, but I could hear the screaming of sirens in the distance._

_Dropping the phone to the ground, McKynzie buried her face in Bella´s now still form. "Bella," she choked out in a sob. "Please, mommy… d-d-don´t l-l-leave me," she hiccupped painfully._

_What the fuck had I done?_

_Running on auto-pilot, I administered CPR until the paramedics literally shoved me out of the way. "Dr. Cullen," an EMT that I vaguely remembered yelled. "We´ve got it from here! Can you tell us what happened? Did she hit her head? How far along is she?" He continued shooting off questions at me that by some small miracle, I was able to answer._

_I watched it all as if it was on a movie screen; they worked diligently on her lifeless body. Helpless, I just stood there with a distraught-looking McKynzie, willing Bella to get up, and put an end to this nightmare. I was brought out of my daze by the EMT´s voice. "We´re moving her on my count, one, two, three…" I watched as they lifted Bella´s body and rolled it on to the stretcher to load into the back of the ambulance._

_Several of our neighbors had come over to see what all the commotion was about. Though I was in no shape to answer any of their questions, I wasn´t surprised. _

_Everybody loved Bella, even me!_

"_Daddy, come on!" Mac yelled, all the while tugging furiously on my arm._

_Without a second thought, we loaded into the car and sped off toward the hospital. Rushing through the emergency doors, I bypassed the nurse´s station and headed straight for the emergency room with McKynzie in tow._

"_Dr. Cullen," a nurse called out to me. "Is there something wrong with your daughter?" It didn´t occur to me that rushing in with Mac on my heels would give them the wrong impression._

"_No, no, uh…" looking down at her name badge because my mind was completely blank, "Kate, she´s fine. We´re looking for our neighbor, Isabella Swan, she´s pregnant and a bus just brought her in."_

"_I don´t know…" Her words were cut short by a commotion going on down the hall._

"_We´re losing them," someone called from behind a nearby curtain. "BP is dangerously low, and I can´t get an accurate fetal reading! We´ve got to get this baby out now or we could possibly lose them both!" Just then a team of doctors and nurses broke through the barrier and headed for the elevator._

"_Graves," I called out to my colleague. "What is the prognosis?"_

"_Placental Abruption," he called over his shoulder. "We´re headed up to OR-4." Looking down at a distraught McKynzie at my side, he said, "Get your daughter situated and meet me upstairs, I´m going to need all the help that I can get." The elevator doors began to shut, but I was able to make out his last words. "It will be a miracle if we can save them both."_

_I knew that if I´d heard it, Mac had heard it as well, so it didn´t surprise me when she began pulling on my hand and screaming at the top of her lungs. "Go daddy, go! You have to save my mommy and my little brother! Go daddy, please! Help her!"_

_When we finally made it upstairs, I left McKynzie with the nurse on duty so I could check on Bella and my son. Yes, it took a crisis to make me realize that they both were a very dominant part of my world, and I was not ready to lose them._

_Not again! I thought as I pushed the heavy doors open._

_Graves was about to step into pre-op to scrub up when I caught up to him. "Well man, are coming or not?"_

_Swallowing back the lump, I nearly choked on my words. "I can´t," he looked at me like I´d grown a third eye, but I just continued. "Please Graves," I begged, fisting the collar of his shirt. "That´s my life in there, please… save Bella and my little boy. I can´t lose them! I can´t…" By now the tears were coming in a torrent down my cheeks._

_Placing his hands over mine and loosening my grip, Graves looked me in the eye. "I promise to do everything in my power to bring them both back to you safely, Edward. Everything…" With that promise hanging stagnant in the air, Graves disappeared behind the heavy wooden doors and out of sight. _

_McKynzie clung to me like a lifeline, as we waited not-so-patiently in the waiting room for any news. I vaguely remember putting in a call to my parents, to let them know what had happened. Looking up and seeing my sisters and their husbands coming through the doors was a fucking relief._

_Having a little more pull than most, I headed down to the OR to see was happening. I wasn´t sure how much time had passed, but no sooner than I walked up did Graves step out of from behind the intimidating doors._

_The man looked as if he had aged a minimum of ten years. Panicked, I rushed to his side. "God, please tell me they´re okay," I begged desperately._

_Graves´ shoulders sagged as a heavy breath left his body. "Christ, Edward," he shuttered. "It was a blood bath in there, but I managed to get the bleeding under control." He scrubbed a hand across his face, looking exhausted. "Her blood pressure shot through the roof and soon as we got her open, and when the baby was removed, she started to hemorrhage. It took some doing, but I was finally able to get the bleeding to stop, but not before she slipped into a coma. I´m sorry man, I did everything I could in there." A shadow of remembrance passed across his face, and the large man visibly shuddered. "There was a lot of damage, but I don´t see why Bella won´t be able to have any more kids."_

_The air left my body in a whoosh, and I stumbled back against the wall when my legs gave out on me. _

_Bella was in a coma! _

_She hadn´t even been able to welcome her son into the world! _

_She was looking forward to this, and because of my selfishness, every one of her choices had been taken away._

_Again… this whole situation was my fault!_

_Fuck, fuck, fuckkkkkk!_

_What have I done?_

_My selfishness could have very well cost Bella her ability to have more children!_

_I´m such a fucking screw up!_

_God forbid if she doesn´t wake up from the coma._

_Ripping at my hair, I was suddenly very anxious to see Bella, to read her chart, and check things out for myself. "Can I see her?" I whispered desperation heavy in my tone._

_Just then the doors opened to reveal a very fragile looking Bella. Hooked to all sorts of machines, even in a coma, she didn´t look peaceful. The worry and sadness that marred her beautiful features earlier were still very visible on her face. I brushed the hair back from her forehead and place a lingering kiss on her lips. "I´m so sorry, sweetheart," I breathed out on an anguished cry. "Please, love, come back to me… to our children."_

_Graves gave my shoulder a gentle, reassuring squeeze. "I´m sorry Edward, they´ve got to get down her to ICU now." All I could do was shake my head no, as the only woman I truly ever loved was ripped away from me. Bella was never going to forgive me, and for obvious reasons, I didn´t blame her. My shoulders shook violently as I wept soundlessly in the hallway. Graves was speaking to me, but I could barely make it out through the loud ringing in my ears._

_When I was unresponsive, Graves spoke again, interrupting my internal pity party. "Edward! Did you hear what I said? Your son is going to be air-lifted to Virginia Mason as soon as we can get him stable and the helicopter arrives. Your father wants both of them there where he can oversee their care as soon as possible." That damn sure got my attention._

"_C-can I see him?" Deep down, I knew that I had no right to ask, but I couldn´t help myself. My son needed to see at least one of his parents. He needed to know that he wasn´t alone. That we loved him, and as soon as mommy was better, she´d be there too._

_I may have failed Isabella, but I damn sure wasn´t going to fail my son! _

_Not when he needed me!_

"_Yeah," he said, taking off toward the elevator. "With Bella in ICU he is definitely going to need you to accompany him on the flight." I thanked my friend profusely for all that he´d done. Graves knew that I wasn´t baby Swan´s biological father, but he led me down to the NICU regardless. _

_Stopping just outside the door, Graves turned to me, somehow he could sense my insecurities. "I know Edward, but let´s face it, this little guy needs all the love and support he can get. It´s obvious that you care deeply for both the boy and his mother, so who am I to keep you from them." Opening the door for me to pass, Graves gave me a pat on the back and whispered, "Good luck," before heading back upstairs._

"God, mom," I cried, ripping my hands through my already disheveled hair. "He looked so tiny, hooked up to all those machines. How am I going look him in the eye, when he finds out what I´ve done to his mother… his sister? Oh my God, what have I done?" I covered my face with my hands and cried.

For all the things that were beyond my control, I cried.

For finding myself in another hopeless situation, where the lives of the people I loved and cared about hung in the balance, I cried.

It was pointless to deny it any longer, that little guy was just as much a part of my life as Mac was a part of Bella´s. Esme held me close, and in the comfort of my mother´s arms, I released years of agony and pain. Recanting my account of the events that had transpired earlier had taken a lot out me.

_I hate you! I hate you! _

_Why did you have to come back? _

_Why did you have to ruin everything? _

_We were happy! _

_She said she would be my mommy… that she would take care of me… that she would never leave!" _

_She would never leave!" _

"_I hate you! I hate you!" _

McKynzie´s words played on a constant loop in my head. Over and over, her words pierced me, causing the hole in my chest to continue to burn and grow.

And made me cry harder!

"What am I going to do, mom? My entire family hates me! My little girl, the woman I love…" I sobbed loudly. Suddenly gripped by an all-consuming fear, I asked, "What if she takes him from me? What if Bella takes my little boy away?"

"Shh… son," my mother cooed lovingly. "Your father and I will get through this," cupping my face gently, "but Edward, you´ve got to let go of the past. Claire´s death was not your fault! Stop blaming yourself for something you had _no_ control over."

Esme was right.

And it took me almost losing everything to realize it.

"Anything, mom," I conceded tiredly. "I´ll do anything to put my family back together." My mother and I had always been very close, and I knew that as she clung to me and shed her own tears, she was rejoicing at the prospect of getting her son back.

I was an empty hollow shell.

Bella was my life!

My reason for existing!

Too bad, I had realized that a little too late!

"Edward," my father called me sternly, popping the bubble that my Esme and I were surrounded by. "Get it together, son. You do not _get_ to wallow!" Looking up, I hardly recognized the man talking to me. Normally a very calm and level-headed man, Carlisle had a fury darkening his cobalt blue eyes that I´d only seen when someone had dare to threaten his family.

I used to be one of the ones he protected, never had I been on the receiving end of his wrath. I guess there was a first time for everything. As I cowered, my father continued to speak. "My grandson is ready for transport. You will accompany him to Virginia Mason; my staff is expecting you, as soon as Bella is out of the woods, I´m going to have her transferred as well. I want them both in _my_ hospital, so I can oversee their care personally!" Carlisle turned on his heels and headed towards the ICU entrance doors, but paused before entering. "An adjoining room to the baby´s nursery is set up for you and Siobhan will be there for your first session tomorrow morning at nine. Get your head out of your fucking ass, and get some help son! You are going to ruin the best thing that has ever happened to you, along with your daughter!" Narrowing his eyes at me, he spoke in an eerily quiet tone. "If you fuck this up son, so help me God, you _will_ regret it!" I recoiled at the venom in my father´s voice.

That wasn't a threat, what Carlisle had done was made a promise, one that he would have no qualms keeping.

Sensing my reluctance, Esme spoke quietly. "Go on son; go be with your boy." I looked at her in shock. That was the first time Esme had referred to the baby as my son. Damn, it felt good to hear her say that. "I´m _your _mother, Edward," she said quietly. "Your happiness is the most important thing to me." Stroking my cheek softly, "A person would have to be blind not to see how much you care for Bella and the baby. Now go son!"

Pushing me toward the door, she kissed my cheek and made me a promise. "I won´t let anything happen to them. I promise that I´ll take care of Bella _and_ Mac. Now don´t keep my grandbaby waiting a minute longer, go, I´ve got things under control here. Your sister will see to it that you have clean clothes and something to eat when you get to Seattle." I gathered my mother in a bear hug, and placed a kiss on top of her head before setting out to find my son.

_My son!_

I still couldn´t believe it!

And don´t think for one minute that I deserved it!

I had a lot of work to do before I would be worthy of voicing such a thing to Bella.

Bella and Mac were going to give me the hell that I so richly deserved, and I was looking forward to it. I would fucking fight to the death to win my family back. In order to do that, I was going to have to face my demons. Starting tomorrow morning, I was going to have to eat a lot of crow. Siobhan was the best in her field and needed her, now more than ever!

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><p><strong>Well, I hope you guys are still with me and enjoyed the update! Leave me some love and let me know what you guys thought of the chapter!<strong>

**Kraz**

**xoxo**


	9. Chapter 8: The Aftermath of a Nightmare

**AN:**

Helloooo...is anybody still with me? I damn sure hope so, because these two have a lot more story to tell. Just want to say thanks to everyone for putting up with the no-so-scheduled updates! I hope you guys will stick around until the end!

To the wonderful Ladies that help to make sure that all my i´s are dotted and my t´s are crossed…Thank you!** Beta´d by: jess2002, famaggiolo,** and** princess07890…**_congrats on your graduation! You made finally made it__**!**_** Pre-read by: TeamAllTwilight!**

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><p>A Real Family of Her Own:<p>

Chapter Eight

The Aftermath of a Nightmare...

**Mac´s POV**

I woke up feeling woozy, like I had been spinning on the merry-go-round too long.

Looking around the dimly lit room, I didn´t recognize anything.

I didn´t even know where I was, or how I´d gotten there.

The more I looked around, the scarier everything seemed to get.

_Why am I here?_

_This isn´t my room!_

I´m not at my daddy´s house, my Nana Esme...

This isn't my mommy´s, Bella´s, house either!

_Where am I?_

My tummy felt funny and my head hurt really badly.

All my thoughts were fuzzy.

Why I couldn´t remember anything?

Why am I here?

I don´t like it here!

Where _is _my mommy?

Frightened beyond belief, I began to scream and cry. "Mommy...I want my mommy," I kicked my legs frantically and continued to cry out, hoping that Bella would hear me and come running through the door.

Finally, after what seemed like a lifetime, the door flew open, causing me to jump. "Eeek..." I squealed, still hiccupping from my sobs. Scooting further up the bed, I hid my face behind the pillow.

I was afraid to look up and see whom it was.

"Hey there little lady," a cheery voice called out as the room was suddenly bathed in bright fluorescent light. I covered my eyes, hiding away from the sudden brightness. After a while, I mustered up the courage to open one eye and peek around the edge of the pillow to see who it was. A nurse, I vaguely remembered from visiting my daddy at work flipped on the light as she walked into the room.

"Little Miss Cullen, you´re awake," she stated rather cheerily, busying herself with opening the blinds, completely ignoring my mini-breakdown. "I´m Lauren, do you remember me? I work with your father." The woman wearing the bright pink scrubs with clown faces all over them _did_ look vaguely familiar, but I wasn't in the mood for reunions or small talk.

I wanted answers!

_Now!_

"I want my mommy," I said, ignoring her attempts at politeness. Folding my arms across my chest and fixing my face in a scowl, I asked again, although this time, it was in a not so friendly voice, "Where. Is. My. Mommy? Where is Bella? W-w-why i-is n-not s-she h-here?" I really wanted to be brave, but failed miserably. I hated that fear was causing me to turn into a crybaby! No matter how hard I tried, I couldn´t stop the tears from raining down my cheeks. In no time, I was a blubbering, stuttering, snotty mess _all_ over again.

"It´s okay, sweetie," Lauren placated. Sitting on the edge of the bed she reached out her hand to touch me, but I backed away before her hand could find purchase anywhere on my body. Ignoring my actions, she said, "Please don´t cry, McKynzie; I've called downstairs to notify your family that you're awake. I'm sure someone will be up here soon." Her voice was shaking now, sounding less and less sure of herself. I couldn´t find it in myself to feel sorry for her though, she was the one keeping me from my mommy.

Recoiling further into myself, I shifted so that my body was mostly hidden behind the pillow. "Someone," I screamed hysterically. "I don´t want _someone_! I want Bella!" I folded into myself and refused to acknowledge the woman who refused to give me what I wanted. "I want my mommy," I whimpered one last time before I gave into my fears, letting the tears flow freely.

_I wanted Bella!_

_I wanted my mommy!_

Why wouldn´t she listen to me!

Why won´t she just get my mommy like I asked?

_Something must have happened!_

_Bella would never leave me all alone if I were sick!_

Bella was always there when I needed her. She made the bad dreams go away. She constantly reminded me that my daddy loved me; he was just sad right now. Bella promised me all that would change once the baby was born. Once my baby brother was here, she promised we´d be a_ real_ family!

_Daddy, Bella, my baby brother, and me!_

_She promised!_

_Bella never broke her promises!_

Feeling confused and alone, I just sat there with my knees pulled up to my chest, rocking back and forth crying.

I was awake, but_ this_ felt like a nightmare!

Alone and afraid, with nobody to make the bad dreams go away, I just continued to cry.

The door to my room swung open, revealing a very worried looking Rosalie. "Auntie Rose," I cried, scampering off the bed and throwing myself into her arms. "She wouldn´t listen Auntie Rose, she wouldn´t listen when I told her I wanted my mommy. Where is Bella? Auntie Rose, where is my mommy?" I was a bawling mess yet again, while Rose held me tightly to her body, trying to get me to calm me down.

"Shh...Sweetie," Rose cooed, all the while rubbing soothing circles on my back. "You've got to calm down, sweetie. Nana and Papa are downstairs with Bella right now, making sure that everything´s okay." She brushed a strand of hair away from my forehead and gave me a gentle kiss. "If you can calm down, and promise that you´ll try to stop crying, I´ll show you a picture of your new little brother," Auntie Rose grinned knowingly. Despite the waterfall of tears, my eyes lit up at the mere mention of my baby brother.

"He´s here? He´s here? Lemme see! Lemme see," I exclaimed, bouncing on the balls of my feet. I reached for the phone with one hand and dried my tears with the back of the other. I had to toughen up if I was going to be a good big sister. "Parker is here? But isn´t it too early? Is he okay? Is mommy okay? Is Parker with mommy? When can I go see my little brother? When can I go see mommy?" Without so much as a breath, I fired off question after question at my Aunt Rose, not bothering to give her a chance to respond before firing off another one. My heart was pounding so hard in my chest that I thought it would jump right out of my body. To say I was excited would be the understatement of the year.

_This_ was better than Christmas!

"Whoa…whoa, slowdown, little one," Rose chuckled half-heartedly. "I can barely keep up with what you´re saying."

Ignoring her request, I asked again, "When can I see Mommy and Parker?

"Parker?" Rose asked wrinkling her brow in confusion. "Who is Parker, sweetie?"

Oh for the love of cheeseburgers! Don´t these people listen to anything? "My _baby_ _brother_, silly," I responded in an obvious `duh´ voice. Sitting up in the bed on my knees, I tried to explain to my clueless aunt what my brother´s name was.

"His name is Parker Charles Cullen. Mommy let me pick out his first name, and his middle name is from Papa Charlie, my grandpa that went to heaven with Grandma Sue." Rose just looked at me and smiled as I chattered away.

After I washed my face and brushed my teeth, Rosalie helped me get dressed in the clothes she´d brought and we headed down to meet Nana Esme. I couldn´t wait for Bella to see me in the World´s Greatest Big Sister T-shirt that Aunt Allie had gotten me. It was part of my surprise. "Come on, Auntie Rose," I whined as I dragged her down the corridor; it felt like we were never going to get there.

For the life of me, I couldn´t understand why she seemed so hesitate to take me where my mommy and brother were probably waiting for me. She had shown me a picture of Parker, but that wasn´t good enough. I wanted to see him with my own two eyes and introduce myself properly!

I was a big sister now; I had a job to do!

"Okay, okay," Rose lightly scolded, tugging back on my hand. "We´re almost there Mac, keep your panties on!"

I laughed, shaking my head from side-to-side, "What does _you,_" a stiff pointer in her direction, "being a slowpoke, have to do with _me,"_ a thumb aimed at my chest, "wearing panties?" Grown-ups could be so silly sometimes.

We turned the corner, and I spotted my Nana talking to a lady in a white Doctor´s coat like my dad always wore. Leaving Rosalie to her own devices, I ripped my hand from hers and broke out into a full-on run. "Nana…Nana…" I gasped and panted.

"Where are mommy and Parker? I want to see my little brother. I want to tell mommy how proud I am, and how good she did!" I was a ball of energy, bouncing on the balls of my feet with excitement; Esme however, just stared at me with this really weird look on her face.

What is with these grown-ups today?

What was her problem?

Did she _not_ just hear me ask her a question?

Did she _not_ understand what I had said?

Why was everybody acting so freaking weird?

What were they hiding from me?

Something was wrong I could feel it!

Closing my eyes in concentration…I remembered!

Everything!

_Yesterday!_

_Daddy yelling!_

_Mommy yelling back!_

_Me, hiding upstairs in mommy´s bedroom!_

_Daddy, carrying me outside and forcing me to get into his car!_

_Mommy..._

_Crying..._

_Screaming... _

_Falling..._

_Ambulance..._

_Noise...lots of noise!_

_I remembered!_

_I remembered it all!_

Suddenly, I was gasping and panting for a very different reason. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn´t catch my breath. It hurts...right where my heart is. It hurts...so, so bad! Clutching at my chest, I fisted, clawed, and tugged at my shirt, desperately trying to stop it from choking me! Spots, white spots were dancing before my eyes and the room was starting to spin.

Soft familiar hands cupped my face, and soothing words are whispered quietly in my ear. "Shh...Sweet girl, Nana´s got you," Esme cooed, swaying me gently, while rubbing circles on my back. "Deep breaths, just like Nana, sweetheart, come on big girl," she coaxed, trying to get me to snap out of it. "Do you want mommy to be upset when she wakes up? You have to be strong for mommy, _and _your little brother. That´s it, sweetheart, breathe...breathe with Nana..."

Slowly, ever so slowly, things began to subside, the room stopped spinning, and my breathing evened out. My body felt heavy and tired, like I had run a marathon. Despite my discomfort, I tried to focus on what my Nana had said.

_Mommy was okay!_

_The baby was okay!_

"Nana," I croaked my throat raw and scratchy from all the crying and screaming. "I-is my mommy and Parker okay? I-I remembered…I r-remembered D-daddy, he was yelling, and he made mommy cry. Nana she fell, and the ama…I mean, the ambalam…" frustrated because I couldn´t get that stupid word right, I shook my head to clear it.

"Ambulance sweetie," Nana corrected softly. "The ambulance had to come." Pulling me into a tight hug, Nana held me close to her body, smoothing my hair as she spoke. "I´m _so_ sorry you had to see that, sweetie. I´m _so_ sorry you were scared, and Nana wasn´t there to knock some sense into your father." I could feel my Nana´s tears as they rained down on the top of my head.

Squeezing back with all my might, I tried my best to comfort Esme back. "It´s okay, Nana," I choked out emotionally. "You´re here now, please don´t leave me. I´m scared, Nana! What´s wrong with mommy and Parker? I don´t wanna lose another mommy! Please...Nana, don´t let God take my mommy, Bella, and my baby brother to heaven." I continued to cry softly while I waited for Esme to explain to me what was going on.

I cried…hard, when she told me that they had to take my baby brother to Seattle in a helicopter because he wasn´t breathing well enough on his own. And I cried even harder, when she told me that my mommy was still asleep, and they didn´t know when she was going to wake up.

When my Pop-pop came back from checking on mommy, he explained to me that she was tired and her body needed to rest from all the hard work that it did yesterday. Pop-pop said that mommy would wake up when she was rested, just like I did this morning.

Finally, after an ocean of tears, tons of explanations, and a battle with a yucky plate of hospital food, my Nana and Pop-pop took me to see Bella. They took me to see the only mother I´d ever known. I knew that Claire was my birth mother, but the older I got, the less I remembered about her. Sickness, cuts, bruises; nightmares...all those memories now have Bella starring in them.

_For all intents and purposes she_ _was my mother!_

Slowly, I inched my way up to the bed, afraid that if I moved too fast, she would disappear. Machines beeped, wires and tubes were connected everywhere, and a ventilator forced air in her lungs. To me, she was _still_ the prettiest mommy in the world. With a quivering lip and a shaky hand, I reached out to touch her.

Her skin was soft and warm, proving that she was alive beneath my hand. My lungs forced out a heaving breath that I didn´t even realize that I was holding. Inhaling just as raggedly, the damn broke, and I was overwrought with emotion.

_Again!_

Strong hands, Papa´s hands this time, squeezed my shoulders, while soft delicate fingers, Nana´s fingers, brushed away my tears. "Shh…it´s okay, sweetheart," Esme whispered soothingly. "Your papa´s doing everything he can to bring your mommy back to you. We just have to give Bella a little more time to rest that´s all."

Looking down at Bella, she reminded me of one of my favorite stories, Sleeping Beauty. The only problem was, Prince Charming was a jerk, and all the way in Seattle taking care of my little brother. I guess it was up to me to kiss her awake. Leaning in, careful not to disturb anything, I pressed a kiss atop the hand I held in mine.

Leaving my lips to linger against her warm, sweet-smelling flesh, I squeezed my eyes shut tightly and began to pray. "God, it´s me, McKynzie," I admitted quietly. "I know you´re probably busy, but if you´ve got a minute, I want to talk to you about my mommy." Sniffling, I wiped my eyes with my free hand and continued shakily. "I don´t know if I told you yet, but thank you...for giving me a new mommy and a new baby brother. I know that in the past, I´ve misbehaved by hiding from my babysitters, but I promise to never do it again. I promise to be extra good for Mommy and Daddy, and to be the best big sister to Parker. Please..._please_," I hiccupped noisily. "I will be the best little girl in the world if you wake my mommy up. Please, God...you just gave her to me...please don´t take her away..." Unable to continue I just laid my head on our joined hands and let the tears have their way with me. I cried until there were no more tears left in my eyes, and then I let the heaviness overtake me, and I fell asleep.

**...ooOoo...**

_**2 ½ months later...**_

**BPOV**

I sat in the nursery feeding my little lamb, staring down at him in complete awe and wonder. Jesus, he was beautiful! How in the world had I made something so precious was beyond me. With ten perfect little chubby fingers and chubby little toes, Parker was nothing short of amazing.

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine..." I crooned softly while stroking his little cherub-looking face. "You make me happy when skies are gray; you never know dear, how much I love you. Please don´t take my sunshine away..." I managed to choke out the last few lines before the overwhelming emotion bottled up inside of me made its presence known.

_Fucking postpartum hormones!_

A sob wracked through my body startling my little lamb, causing him to unlatch from my breast. Parker´s little nose scrunched up and his bottom lip started to quiver. God he was so freaking adorable, even when he cried. "Shh..." I cooed softly, trying to get him calm. "Mommy´s just being silly; I didn´t mean to startle you. Please don´t cry, sweetie." Stroking his cheek with my thumb, I coaxed him back to my breast so that he could finish feeding.

His dark bluish-gray eyes studied my face with curiosity and wonder, as if he was looking for some sign of further distress. Mustering up an inner-strength that until now, I didn´t even know I possessed; I smiled down at him lovingly. "Mommy's okay, Parker," I assured him, hoping that if he didn´t understand, he could at least feel the calmness I was trying to exude. "Let´s finish filling your tummy!" I rocked back and forth, clutching him tightly while he greedily suckled my breast.

One of the most rewarding experiences of parenthood was bonding with my son through breastfeeding.

He may not have been able to put his finger on it, but Parker definitely knew that something was wrong. My little man was wise well beyond his few short months; and I´m not saying that just because I´m his mother.

Despite his abrupt and somewhat traumatic entrance into this life, Parker was progressing well. At almost two-and-a-half months, he was close to doubling his birth weight, which is something most babies' don´t do until they are 5 months old. At his last check-up, Carlisle assured me that he was making great strides; there would probably be no long-term effects of his prematurity.

"He´s getting so big," Esme´s soft emotion-filled voice startled me from the doorway. "Oh dear," she said apologetically, bringing a hand to her chest. "I thought you heard me come in, I didn´t mean to frighten you."

"It´s okay," I swallowed thickly, willing my heart to stay in my chest. Parker turned his head, leaving my lactating nipple exposed. "Okay, okay," I laughed, wrestling with my squirming little cherub as he searched futilely for his nana. He knew the sound of her voice, and was determined to find out where it was coming from.

My face heated up, and my skin shown a deep crimson at having Esme see my naked swollen breast. I´d learned quickly once Parker and I came home that there was no modesty around the Cullen women. Ignoring my dripping exposed flesh; Esme collected her grandson from my arms and began having a very intense conversation with him while she changed his diaper.

I took that as my cue to tuck my boob back into my bra and snapped it close. For a minute, I just sat there, taking the sight of grandmother and grandson bonding over baby powder and unscented wipes. She loved him every bit as much as she loved McKynzie. Shaking my head, I thought back to that day in the hospital when I approached her and Carlisle about Parker´s full name.

"_Go ahead, mommy" Mac said, giving my shoulder a playful nudge. "Ask them!" Since I had awakened from the coma, Mac had refused to leave my side; it was like she was afraid that I was going to disappear or something. Carlisle assured me that it was normal after dealing with such a traumatic experience, but promised to keep an eye on things and step in if it seemed to be getting out of hand._

_We were all sitting around Parker´s hospital room, while his Nana and Papa held him for the first time. If I ever doubted their true feelings for my son before, the tears of joy, and the looks of pure love and adoration shining in their eyes told me all I needed to know; Esme and Carlisle Cullen loved my son as if he was one of their own._

_Looking down at Mac, who gave me a toothy grin and a two-thumbs-up, I took a deep breath and poured out my heart to the two people who had become like a second set of parents to me._

"_Uh…Esme, Carlisle…" I said nervously wringing my hands in my lap._

"_Yes, sweetheart," Carlisle responded, never taking his eyes off of the tiny blue bundle sleeping peacefully in his arms. Esme looked up at me, waiting expectantly for me to speak. I could tell by her body language that she was anxious to return her attention to her sleeping grandson._

_Taking a deep breath, I thought, here goes nothing!_

"_Uh, well," I stammered over my words nervously. Tiny fingers laced with mine and gave my hand a reassuring squeeze. Looking down at McKynzie, she gave me a swift nod of assurance. Swallowing thickly, I trudged forward. "Well, I was just wondering how you both felt about Parker having the last name of Cullen." Unable to stop myself I continued to ramble on. "I love Mac as if she was my own, and I-I...I just thought that both my children should have the same last name. I-if that´s okay with you guys."_

_I´d been staring down at my lap during my entire spiel, so when neither Esme nor Carlisle responded, I chanced a glance in their direction. Ready to backpedal and take back everything I´d just said, but what I saw caused my words to get stuck in my throat. Carlisle wore a look of complete and utter shock, while Esme had tears streaming down her face with a trembling hand over her heart._

_Before I could process what was happening, Esme engulfed me in a bone-crushing hug. "Oh dear," Esme wept softly. "We would be honored to have Parker as a Cullen. You know that we already think of him as our grandson." She pulled back and caressed my cheek like only a mother could. "And you…Bella, you have to know that we love you as if you were our own." My emotions were already all over the place, so no one was surprised when I let out a quiet sob and fell into Esme´s comforting embrace._

_That was one of the most amazing days of my life!_

"_See…" Mac smirked, joining in and making it a group hug. "I told you so!"_

_I let out a watery chuckle; the girl didn´t have a modest bone in her body!_

"Hellooo...earth to Bella," Esme called, snapping me back to the present.

"Oh...sorry," I apologized sheepishly. "I must have zoned out for a minute. How about some coffee," I asked on my way to the kitchen. I´d been staying in Seattle since my release from the hospital so I would be closer to Parker, I would never be able to thank Esme, Alice, and Rosalie enough for the fully functioning nursery in my condo; it was a godsend. Especially, since I wasn´t ready to return to Forks just yet; everything was still too fresh. "What were you saying?" I asked while pulling a coffee mug down for Esme and a glass for juice out of the cabinet for me.

Lying Parker in his bouncer on the counter, Esme buckled him in, gave him his pacifier, and then turned to look at me. I knew that look! Immediately, I became wary. There could only be one reason why she would give me _that_ look. She wanted to talk about _him!_

Everyone, _including _Esme, knew that any and all conversation related to _him_ was off-limits! I was just glad that Rose and Alice had taken Mac school shopping today; she didn't need to witness me yelling at her grandmother.

"I take that back, Esme, whatever it is, I _don´t_ want to hear it," I snapped, slamming the cabinet door. Parker was startled by the sudden noise, and began to cry again. "Shit!" I fumbled with his pacifier, and rubbed his cheek soothingly. "Shh...Little lamb," I cooed softly. "Mommy just keeps messing up today doesn´t she?" His cries slowly morphed into soft, quiet whimpers as his big bright eyes became distracted with the toys dangling above his head.

"Bella, sweetheart," Esme tried again, ignoring my prior plea. "He´s _changed_! His sessions with Siobhan are really helping! Why won´t you give him another chance? He desperately wants to try and make things right again." As much as I wanted to believe her, I just couldn´t face him, not yet. Facing him meant that I had to relive _that _night; the night I almost...I almost lost my son!

Carlisle had been trying to no avail to convince me to get my own therapist, but I´d fought him tooth and nail. _I was fine!_ Aside from a few _minor _panic attacks and recurring nightmares, there was absolutely nothing wrong with me. I also refused his suggestion that I take a mild anti-anxiety medication; Parker was still breastfeeding, and I refused to jeopardize his health, neither was I planning to wean him any time soon, so that deal was off the table immediately. Needless-to-say, each and every time Carlisle and I were in a room together, the tension ran high!

It was no different than when I came to live with Charlie.

I handled it then, and I could damn sure handle it now!

_Liar!_

_You had Dr. Banner!_

_Stop being so goddamn stubborn and call him!_

As usually, I ignored the voice of reason that was on constant loop in my head. I could do this on my own! I had no choice, I had to be strong for my kids; I had to be strong for Mac _and _Parker! Eventually, the dreams would stop and so would the panic attacks, I just needed a little more time to get over the hump that´s all!

It didn´t help that my hormones were still a bit out of whack, but in my defense...I was still healing from my c-section, and my body was still adjusting to motherhood. After what seem like hours, but in fact, it was merely a few minutes, I responded. "I can´t," I whispered so quietly that I almost didn´t hear myself. "I can´t face him," shaking my head, "not yet! I´m still too...afraid, please Esme...don´t make me do this!"

"Oh, sweetheart," she lamented, pulling me into her arms.

No matter how much I wanted to hate his guts, I knew I _couldn't_! Truth was; I was still in love with him, in love with the idea of _us_ being a family. Unfortunately, I was nowhere near ready to admit that little tidbit of information to anyone beside to myself just yet!

Logically, I knew that we couldn´t continue living like this, _too_ much was at stake. We both had our children´s happiness and well-being to consider. Not to mention, McKynzie was starting school next week, and she was still refusing to see or speak to her father. To no avail, and much to _his _credit, he´d tried to call her several times a day since we´d brought Parker home from the hospital, even going as far as trying to get his parents involved, but she wouldn´t budge.

Not until _I _made the first move.

A few Sundays ago, I allowed Esme and Carlisle to take the children to their house to spend some quality time with their father. _Yes_, I considered him Parker´s father. Parker was just as much as _his_, as McKynzie was mine. At the moment, we were slightly dysfunctional, but we were _still_ a family, and somehow, someway...we _would_ get through this!

Mac was very protective of Parker and hated to have him out of her sight, so it didn´t take a lot of arm-twisting to get her to comply. When they returned home a couple of hours later, McKynzie was on cloud nine, and I was miserable. That may or may not have something to do with a certain picture of Parker and Mac grinning in their father´s arms that Alice sent me; I´ll never tell!

_Goddamn nosey ass little Pixie!_

Mac couldn´t stop talking about him_. _Despite the fact that it made me cringe each and every time she spoke his name, I hung on to her every word. Living vicariously through my daughter, I listened intently, while she talked about the man who I´d inadvertently given my heart and soul to.

Once again, in her eyes, he´d hung the moon. In one afternoon, McKynzie had gone from a brooding, moody seven-year-old – a mere shell of her former self – to the bubbly bright-eyed little girl I´d come to know and love.

All thanks to _him_!

Not wanting her to see how much it hurt me to be left out, I waited until she and Parker were both down for the night before crying myself to sleep, something that was becoming a nightly ritual for me. How did everything get so messed up so fast? That night I fell into a very restless sleep staring at the picture of my happy family. The only thing that would have made the moment perfect was my presence.

_Why the hell did I have to be so fucking stubborn!_

Later that week, reality hit me hard when he sent word by Carlisle that he wouldn´t interfere in my life anymore. I believe his exact words were, _"It will be as if I never existed."_

_Blasphemy!_

How could he say such a thing? He also said that he just wanted me to be happy, and he apologized again for _that _day...for everything! How could he expect me to be happy without him? Hearing those words ripped the last shreds of my already shattered heart out.

Now, what was I going to do?

As if that wasn´t enough of a slap in the face, I was out of it when I signed the paperwork at the hospital, so imagine my surprise when three days after he sent me his little message, I received Parker´s official birth certificate in the mail. Guess who´d signed on the dotted line? _He_ was listed as the father! Are you fucking kidding me?

_What the hell!_

I nearly went through the roof!

Flashbacks of that day ran unbidden through my mind.

Yelling!

Crying!

Arguing!

Fighting with everything in me to keep him from taking my daughter away from me!

Sharp pains, shortness of breath my entire world spinning off its axis as the two most important people in my life just walked away, and everything went black.

_He did this to me!_

What right did _he_ have to list himself as my son´s father?

What kind of father causes a mother to go into premature, stress-induced labor while practically ripping her little girl from her arms?

_I could have fucking died, along with my son!_

What kind of father disappears for three days without a trace, then shows up to take his emotionally distraught and frightened little girl away from the _one_ person who´s been a constant in her life while he was out doing God knows what?

_Who the fuck does that!_

And here we are folks, the crux of my problem, the one thing that always came to mind when _he_´_s_ mentioned. There were simply _some_ things that he did that I just couldn´t get over. Not easily anyway! No matter how much I missed him, _he_ was to blame for all of this! _He_ was the reason we weren´t a real family!

_For me...it was just too little too late!_

"Dear Lord, Isabella," Esme cried nervously, fluttering to my side. "I didn´t mean to upset you! Please, sweetheart, calm down! You´re shaking like a leaf! Deep breaths, Isabella, that´s it! Breathe as deeply as you can, sweetheart." Lost so deep in my thoughts, I didn´t even realize that I was on the verge of a full-scale panic attack until it was almost too late.

Several deep breaths, and a glass of ice-cold water later, I was back to normal; exhausted, and hurting, but back to normal. Esme rubbed soothing circles on my back and hummed quietly, returning the atmosphere to one of peace and tranquility. "Better?" Esme asked after a bit of time had passed. She tucked a stray piece of hair behind my ear, eyeing me with a look of concern.

It was then I noticed that she too wiping tears from her eyes. "Yeah," I answered somewhat sheepishly, feeling my face heat up with embarrassment. "I´m sorry for freaking out on you; I blame it on the hormones." I tried to chuckle, but it sounded forced. "I´ll get there, Esme...I just need time. Please, can you try to understand that? Make _him_ understand that?" She simply shook her head in acknowledgment, but I could still see the underlying hope shining in her eyes.

It was time for Parker´s nap, so I busied myself with removing him from his bouncer. Pausing on my way to the nursery, I turned to face the woman who had become like a mother to me. "You can take the kids to see him on Sunday for a couple of hours, and let him know that if he wants to go with McKynzie for her first day of school on Monday, I´ll have her ready and waiting for him downstairs with Embry. I promise I won´t stand in the way of their relationship."

My rambunctious little girl never met a stranger, and my doorman was no different. She and Embry had hit it off from day one, and she often baked cookies to take down for him and his wife, Kim, so I knew that he wouldn´t mind looking after her while she waited for her father.

I would never knowingly make Mac choose between her father and I, and I´d be lying if I said that I wasn´t afraid that if I forced her hand, she would choose _him_ over me, but, that was something I would have to deal with on my own. Our children didn´t deserve to suffer for our mistakes. That´s why I forced myself to let Esme take Parker to see _him, _as much as I hated it; _he_ was there for Parker when I wasn´t.

During the time I was in a coma, _he_ never left Parker´s side. Family and hospital personnel told me that he _refused_ to leave Parker´s bedside more than the few minutes it took for him to shower and that's all. Eventually, Carlisle had to threaten to ban him from the NICU if he at least didn´t go downstairs and have something to eat.

No matter my personal opinion, or feelings, I _owed _him my gratitude for that! Besides, I´d be lying if I said that he hadn´t been the perfect father to my son; just the sound of his voice caused my little lamb to light up.

"Okay," Esme came over and patted me on the shoulder after kissing Parker´s cheek. "Why don´t you take a nap after you put Parker down, and I´ll just wait around for McKynzie and the girls to return." With a one-armed side hug, I shuffled toward the nursery to once again be alone with my thoughts.

_Time was running out and I needed to make a decision, and soon; Edward wouldn't sit around and wait for me forever!_

* * *

><p><strong>AN:<strong>

Well, what did you think? Is Bella justified in her feelings? Is she being too hard on Edward? Should she let him sweat a little bit longer? Thoughts... Feelings... **Review...review...review! **Until next time! **Don´t forget that voting for the WordSmith Award ****begins tomorrow through the 26th! My other story For the Love of Domination was voted for Best Canon Story and Best Jacob! Please take a minute to vote! Thanks! www(.)wordsmithawards(.)blogspot(.)com**

Krazi

Xoxo

**Krazi´s Rec Korner:**

Stolen Dreams by **shasta53**

The Procrustean Bed by **gemini13me**

Friend of the Family by **samekraemer**

Windows, Doors, & Faith by **samekraemer**

Where There is Love There is Life by **Heartfelt-Pen**

Mistaken Bondage by** savannavansmutsmut **

Better Than Pie by **savannavansmutsmut**

My Biggest Mistake, My Greatest Salvation by **LyricalKris**

The Other Three Plus Me by** jess2002**

**In the meantime, checkout some of these wonderful stories by some awesome writers! Leave em some love and tell em Krazi sent cha!**


	10. Chapter 9: The First Step

**AN: Wow...the response to last chapter was overwhelming! Your in-depth reviews and comments on B&E´s situation prompted me to whip out another chapter, sooner rather than later! Forgive my lack of response to every single review, just know that I read each one, and cherished them all!**

**To my team of talented ladies that encourage me, correct me, and keep me on my toes...you girls KICK ASS! Thanks for all your help! Betas: Jess2002, princess07890, & famaggiolo! Last but not least my awesome pre-reader: TeamAllTwilight! **

**Warning: *tissue alert***

* * *

><p>A Real Family of Her Own:<p>

Chapter Nine

The First Step to Getting Help...Is Admitting That There´s a Problem…

**EPOV**

"As much as I'm enjoying our time together, Edward," Siobhan muttered exasperatedly, "I can´t help you if you won´t, at _least_, meet me halfway."

As much as I hated to admit it, she was right.

I had to do this!

_For Mac..._

_For Bella..._

_For Parker..._

_And..._

_For Claire..._

But more importantly...I had to do it for _myself_!

I was sick and tired of just existing; merely going through the motions while everyone else was living.

It took me almost losing Bella _and _Parker to realize just how much they meant to me.

How much my _family _meant to me!

So much was riding on my decision to get help. I´d taken the first step by coming here of my own volition, but that was the easy part. Getting to the crux of my problem seemed to be the hold up. My life was so fucked up right now, that most days, I didn´t know whether I was coming or going.

Moving around on auto-pilot, the minutes and hours just seemed to commingle together. Today marked my fifth appointment with Siobhan and I´d yet to say a single word. Instead, I´d chosen to wait out the clock, and politely shake Siobhan´s hand and take my leave once the hour was done.

Cowardly, I know, but I _just_ couldn´t find the words to admit to something so heinous..._not once, but twice_.

Although, Bella was fine, and physically, she was on the mend, that didn´t stop the guilt from raining down on me for the mental anguish that I´d caused her...that I was _still_ causing her. She´d nearly lost her fucking life because of my stupid ass! How on earth could I ever expect her to forgive me!

Not when I don´t deserve it!

Haven´t _earned_ it!

_See what I mean...what I´m dealing with..._

_Get over yourself, Cullen!_ My conscience spat nastily. _For once, don´t make everything about you! Get off your fucking pity train, and fix this shit! _Automatically, my hand sought out my unruly locks. It was my fucking vice, my chosen method of torture. Tugging, none too gently, I welcomed the punishing pain that, if only for a moment, quieted the voices lashing out at me from inside my head.

"Her name was Claire Whitney," I began, in a voice so detached. It sounded as if I was nothing more than a narrator setting up the final scene to some tragic stage play. "We attended prep school together. She lost both of her parents when she was nine, but it wasn´t until we lost our grandfathers, _our heroes_, that we forged a lifelong friendship. We bonded over our shared grief." Siobhan said nothing, not even bothering to take notes; instead, she sat quietly as I spun out my sordid tale of troubles and woes.

_My grandfather, Edward Anthony Masen II, in my eyes, hung the moon! He was one of the best concert pianists to ever grace the stage at Carnegie Hall! I was hell-bent on following in his footsteps. I was to be his protégé. Nothing made me happier than to see the look of pride on his face as he sat stoically, in his favorite wing-backed chair, with a tumbler of Jameson, listening to me play. I lived for those moments._

_When the doctors diagnosed him with pancreatic cancer, I began to work harder. I thought that by immersing myself in my schoolwork and spending countless hours practicing the piano, I could somehow prolong his life. I thought I could make it all better, if I just tried harder!_

_Claire and I shared most of the same AP classes, but it wasn´t until that fateful night, when both our grandfathers were brought into the emergency room at Northwestern Medical Center that we bonded._

_While a team of oncologists, including my father, Carlisle Cullen, tried to get a handle on the black blood that was spewing from my grandfather´s nose and mouth, the head cardiologist, Aro Volturi, was trying to unclog the damaged valves of Scott Whitney´s heart. _

_Neither outcome looked very promising!_

_Wanting a moment to myself, I found my way to the quiet chapel on the second floor and lit a few candles. I knew this was the end for my grandfather, but I just couldn´t stop myself from making one last plea to God for him to reconsider taking my mentor away from me._

_I had only been sitting quietly on the mahogany velvet-covered bench for about ten minutes when I heard the door open. Turning to see who it was, my eyes locked with a pair of cloudy blue orbs, and, of its own volition, my hand reached out to their owner. _

_Claire´s tiny hand slid into mine, and I pulled her into my side, where she laid her head on my shoulder. Gripping my arm, her quiet sobs sounds heard in the chapel. Two hours later, the heavy wooden doors were once again opened. Turning our heads in unison, we both broke down and sobbed. The looks in Esme and Katherine´s eyes said it all...they were gone!_

_And we never got the chance to say goodbye!_

_The days following my grandfather´s death were hard, but bearable, as long as I had Claire by my side. I´m not really sure when the lines became blurred between the friendship and kindred spirit we shared and turned into a blossoming teenage romance; I just know that we were each other´s firsts._

_First crush..._

_First date..._

_First kiss…_

_First love..._

_And eventually...first lover!_

_Being with Claire was as simple as breathing, so when I graduated from the University of Chicago, and headed off to medical school at Johns Hopkins on the east coast, I had a very pregnant wife, Claire, in tow. My parents and Katherine were beyond furious when we came to them and announced that Claire was pregnant, but, being who they were, they supported our decision to marry._

_The summer before I left for med school, Claire and I got married in my mother's rose garden, in the presence of about forty family members and close friends. Despite our family's social standings, this is what we wanted, and thankfully, everyone else agreed._

_Nine months later, we welcomed a beautiful baby girl that we named, McKynzie Elizabeth Cullen, into the world. Life couldn't get any more perfect than that. I had my best friend, a beautiful daughter, a bright future, and the sky was the limit. Until it all went to hell in a hand basket!_

Tugging at my hair, I could feel my chest tightening. This was the part I hated reliving. The part I played in the death of my wife and son. My breaths started coming out in shallow pants, and I was starting to see white spots before my eyes. _Fuck! _I was having a panic attack!

"Edward," Siobhan´s deep sultry voice called out to me. "I need you focus on the sound of my voice. Deep breaths, Edward, deep breaths..."

Clawing at the collar of my shirt that suddenly felt like it was strangling me; I tried to follow the sound of her voice. But the darkness was enveloping me, pulling me down like the weight of quicksand. Soft hands cupping my cheeks, and calm soothing words pulled me back from my own personal hell.

By the time I was able to get my breathing under some semblance of control, my entire body felt as if someone had used it for a punching bag. "Shall we call it a day?" Siobhan asked, offering me a way of escape.

Much to my surprise, a resounding "No" fell from my lips. I was sick and tired of taking the coward´s way out. It was time to put this shit to rest once and for all. I couldn´t live the rest of my life allowing the guilt to rule every minute decision that I made. "I need to get this off my chest. I need to forgive myself, so that I can be worthy of Bella and Mac´s forgiveness. Hell, if I´m being honest with myself, I´ve put my entire family through the ringer; I just pray that it´s not too late to make things right again."

Much to my surprise, I felt immeasurably lighter when I walked out of Siobhan´s office almost two-hours later. For the first time in almost four years, I felt like I could breathe. With a renewed vigor, and a bit more pep in my step, I made my way out of the clinic so I could head over to Seattle Children´s Hospital and see my son.

Looking down at my watch, I had just enough time to get in and get out before Bella returned for his 5 o´clock feeding. I knew that she would be downstairs at the nearby café she frequented with my mother around this time, making it the perfect opportunity for me to sneak in a few minutes with Parker.

A part of me felt like a real sleaze for going behind Bella´s back to spend time with our son, but I just couldn´t stay away from the little guy. If this was all I was going to get, then I was going to fucking take it. Deep down, I knew that Bella needed more time, things were still too fresh.

_God_, she was still healing from her c-section, and with her hormones still all over the place, the last thing I wanted to do was upset her. One look at me, and it would be like reliving her worst nightmare all over again. _I did not want that to happen! _When, no, _if_, Bella decides to let me back into her life again, I want to do things the right way this time.

Almost losing Bella and Parker, and McKynzie turning her back on me completely was enough to finally get me to pull my head out of my ass, and get the professional help that I so desperately needed. Never had I felt so abandoned in my whole life. Even my family was tending to Bella and Parker´s needs, something that _I_ should be doing!

After all, they were _mine_!

Bella, McKynzie, and Parker were my life now, and I´ll be _damned_ if I was going to just sit by and let someone else have what´s mine! I was prepared to fight with my last dying breath, if that´s what it took to get my family back! But first, I had to make sure that _I _was worthy of them...worthy of being a part of their lives.

Pulling out my cell phone, I shot my mother a quick text.

**Mom – Just finished my session with Siobhan, I actually started opening up to her today! God, Ma, it felt so freeing to talk about all the hell I´ve been going through these past years. I promise I´ll fill you in later! After such a heavy session, I really need to see him! He´s the only one that won´t judge me on my past deeds. Please, tell me I can see Parker for a little while! Please Ma, I need to see him! I need to see my little boy... – E**

Tossing my phone on the front seat, I turned the key in the ignition and pulled out into traffic. Just as I was turning into the parking lot, designated for personnel only my phone dinged, signifying that I had an incoming text. I waited until after I´d parked and shut the engine off to check my messages.

**Edward – Sweetheart, that´s fantastic! I can´t wait to hear how it went. Bella and I are just leaving, so that she can get something to eat. Oh Edward, please don´t give up on her, Bella, needs you! She´s just too stubborn to see that right now! I´ll try to give you an hour, but I can´t make any promises; it´s hard to keep her away from him any length of time. Now, go see your little boy, he misses his daddy! Love you, son... – Mom**

I couldn´t help the hundred-watt smile that broke out across my face. Esme, ever my champion, continued to encourage me where Bella was concerned. She and Alice were the only ones; so far the rest of my family was hell-bent on keeping me as far away from Isabella Swan as possible.

"Never," I growled out in the empty car. To hell with what everyone else thinks, I was not about to give up on the only woman that I´d ever truly loved!

That was something else; I was coming to terms with.

Pushing thoughts of betraying Claire´s memory, and what we shared to the back of my mind, I pulled out my phone and responded to my mother's text.

**Mom – NEVER! Thanks for everything, love you too, Ma... – E **

Switching my phone to vibrate, I made my way into the hospital, and up to the fourth floor, where the NICU was located.

**...ooOoo...**

"Hey there, buddy," I cooed softly while I swayed Parker back-and-forth in my arms. "Daddy sure did miss you. Did you miss me too, P?" I asked, sitting down in the glider that was in the corner of his hospital room.

I´d stripped, and took a quick shower in the on-call room, donning a pair of dark blue scrubs and a yellow disposable hospital gown before I entered Parker´s room. You could never be too careful, and I didn´t want to expose my little guy to any unnecessary germs that could possibly prolong his stay.

I knew that Bella was anxious to our little guy home, but for me, Parker´s release would be bittersweet. Parker going home meant that I wouldn´t be able to see him every day. I hadn´t realized that I was crying until a tear splashed against his little blue cap-covered head, separating into what seemed like a thousand individual molecules.

Feeling the need to explain to my son why I wouldn´t continue to see him every day, I slipped my finger in his tiny hand, relishing the way his little fingers wrapped around my large one, and started to speak. "Well, P," I paused, fighting with the lump that was clogging my throat. "You´re getting so big, Daddy´s so proud of you, Sweet Boy, proud that after everything he did to your mommy that you´re healthy, growing big and strong, and soon you´ll get to go home." I bit the inside of my cheek, trying in vain to hold back my sob. Unsuccessful in attempt, "I´m so sorry, son" fell from my lips in a broken cry. "It´s all my fault that you´re in here; I will never be able make it up to you, but by God, I plan to die trying."

Parker´s eyes fluttered open, staring up at me as if he was offering me a tiny piece of absolution. Though some may not agree, and argue that it was gas, I´ll swear to my dying day that he looked up at me and smiled. Beaming up at me with rose-colored cheeks, and a twinkle in his eye_, in me_, my son saw no wrong.

_I was his hero!_

Just the mere thought of that made my heart pump wildly in my chest. Not that it was even remotely possible, but in that moment, my love for this tiny innocent creature in my arms seemed to quadruple in its intensity. Clutching his delicate little body to mine, I held him as tight to me as could without causing him harm.

All too soon, my phone was vibrating. Without even looking at the screen, I knew that our time was up for today. Once Bella returned, she and Mac would be here for the rest of the night. Bella was such a good mother, making time for both of our children.

Even though it was against hospital policy, she insisted that Mac be allowed spend the night in her brother´s room; having me for a father and Carlisle Cullen as your grandfather came with many perks that we had no problem using.

Parker´s suite was state of the art, and if not for the obvious knowledge that this was a hospital, you would think that you were staying in a suite at the Fairmont Olympic Hotel.

Being a children´s hospital, we had several rooms that were setup for long-term care, making families feel like they were at a home-away-from-home when their child was hospitalized long-term for chronic illnesses.

Bella and Mac were able to sleep in a comfortable queen-sized bed and the room even had a small kitchenette complete with a microwave and nice-sized refrigerator. That way, Bella had plenty of liquids at her disposal to keep her hydrated for breastfeeding, and Mac could have juice and snacks to tide her over during the day.

_Like I said, it was the perfect set-up!_

Reluctantly, I stood to my feet, trying not to jostle the sleeping infant in my arms. Taking care with his wires and IV, I placed a lingering kiss atop Parker´s head and gently laid him back in his bassinette.

The door opened, and I didn´t even have to turn around to know who it was. I knew that when I didn't immediately respond to my mother´s text, she would send my father looking for me. A strong hand gripped my shoulder, giving it a light squeeze. "I´m sorry son, but it´s time," he whispered solemnly.

Even though he didn´t agree with my actions, he was still my father.

And when I hurt, simply put, he hurt too!

Leaning down one last time, I brushed my lips against his cheek. "I love you son, be a good boy for mommy and sissy tonight. I´ll see you soon," I promised, praying that it was one I could keep. "I hope..." Unable to stomach the look of pity that was sure to be in my father´s eyes, I turned and walked out of the room without so much as sparing him a backward glance.

**...ooOoo...**

Thursday afternoon found me once again feeling like a caged wild animal, as I paced the length of Siobhan´s large expansive office. Parker had been allowed to go home last week, and not being able to see him was having a serious effect on me; it literally felt like the last remaining piece of my heart had been ripped from my body.

Without batting an eye, I´d taken the second step in my ever-growing journey to progress, called Siobhan and requested an emergency session. No longer was I ashamed to admit that I needed help, especially, if it meant that I´d get my family back. Hell, I´d break-dance on a bed of broken glass just to have a chance to be in the same room as Bella, Mac, and Parker!

Finished with my meltdown over being kept from my son, and McKynzie refusing to take any of my phone calls; I dove straight into my recantation of what happened with Claire. After all, weren´t they both related, at least somehow?

If I hadn´t be carrying around the guilt of Claire´s death, I would have never treated Bella the way I did, resulting in her pre-mature labor and almost death. I shuddered to think that I could have possibly been the cause of something so cruel and heinous.

I almost lost _her_!

I almost lost _both_ of them!

Tugging at my already crazy hair, I took a deep breath, and dove right in.

_I´m not going to lie, going to medical school on top of having a newborn at home was a son-of-a-bitch! I was barely able to get any sleep when I was at home, but I truly loved every minute of it! McKynzie was a beautiful baby, and she made it easy to be her father; my little girl was the apple of my eye from day one._

_Claire on the other hand was having a tougher time than I was. Both my mother and her grandmother came out to Maryland when the baby was born and stayed for about a month. Eventually, they had to get back to their lives of charity work, and, in Esme´s case, her steadily growing business. _

_That´s not to say that they left us high-and-dry, because it´s not, Esme and Katherine made it a point to come out for a week, at least once a month. And, in-between their alternating visits, my sisters and their significant others spent most school breaks and long weekends with us. _

_On the weekends, when my schedule would permit it, I´d whisk Claire away to our grandparent´s house in the Hamptons. There, I´d make sure she and the girls were pampered and petted, while Jasper, Emmett, and I watched the baby. Claire was my best friend, I just wanted to make her happy!_

Taking a much-needed break, I grabbed a bottle of water from the side table, and downed half of it before setting it down on a convenient coaster. My entire body ached from being wound so tight for so long, so I plopped down on the leather sofa, letting my head rest against its back. I´m not sure how much time passed with me sitting there, and Siobhan allowed it, but the chiming of her wall clock brought me out of the daze I was in.

"God, Siobhan," I groaned. "I didn´t realize I´d been here so long. You probably have tons of other patience to see." Shaking my head to quell back the feelings of loneliness and despair that seemed to overtake me, knowing that it was now time to leave the _one_ person I knew who could help me turn my clusterfuck of a life around; I stiffly rose to my feet. "Thanks for making time for me," looking at the floor, "I guess I´ll see you next week."

I turned to leave, but was halted by the sound of Siobhan´s voice. "As luck would have it, my last two appointments for today have cancelled. _So_..." she paused for good measure, subtly placing the ball in my court. "If you´re feeling up to it..."

The breath left my lungs in a rush, as relief, and something akin to giddiness washed over my body. Now that I´d opened Pandora´s Box, there was no way to close it again. My only response was to simply pick up right where I´d left off.

_Eventually, Claire got the hang of it, and flourished as a new mother. It was almost as if things went from being stressful and strained to damn near perfect overnight. Before I knew it, we were celebrating Mac´s first birthday, and preparing for Christmas in the Hamptons with our family._

_Life was good..._

_No, scratch that, life was fucking amazing! So much so, that on New Year´s Eve, standing on the beach watching the sky light up with fireworks, Claire kissed me passionately, and told me that we were going to have another baby. I was scared shitless, but one look into her sparkling ocean blue eyes and all the fear evaporated from my body._

_We were going to be parents again!_

_We were going to be fucking parents again!_

_For lack of a better word, I was ecstatic!_

_Even our parents, who could have bitched and complained about it being too soon, were happy for us. Claire was approximately ten weeks along and things were going smoothly. Somehow, we´d forgotten to use a condom during the first couple of weeks after her new shot, resulting in our unplanned surprise. _

_Internally, I chastised myself for not noticing the signs sooner, but rejoiced in the fact that I was becoming a father for a second time. Burning the candle at both ends, I delved into my studies, and when I wasn´t doing that, I was spoiling my wife and little girl. _

_Life couldn´t get any better than this!_

_The few buddies I made in school, continuously ribbed me about being a ninety-year-old man each time I turned down their invitations to party and get wasted. Every time, I´d simply pull out my wallet and show them the picture I carried of my family, and say, "Why would I need to go out, when I have this to go home to?"_

_Yeah, that shut them up really quick!_

_Everything was going perfect up until the beginning of Claire´s third trimester when I came home from school and found her unconscious and in a pool of blood on the bathroom floor, and a screaming and frightened, McKynzie in her crib._

_We lost him..._

_They told us it was a little boy..._

_We had lost our son..._

_Before we even got a chance to meet him..._

_We lost him..._

_Turns out that Claire had a cyst on one of her ovaries that had gone undetected, and it ruptured, causing a blood clot to form in the baby´s umbilical cord._

_He suffocated..._

_He never even had a chance..._

_And, had I showed up ten minutes later...neither would Claire... _

_I was devastated!_

_She was devastated!_

_We both were...devastated!_

_After an emergency c-section, we found out that there were more cysts or tiny fibroid tumors that were surrounding her left ovary. The doctor assured us that he could freeze them for removal, and everything should be fine; lots of women had this procedure done without complication. But, of course there was still the percentile of failures that he neglected to mention._

_Later, after discussing it with my parents and Katherine, it was decided that Claire would return to Chicago to have the procedure done. As much as I hated to see my family leave, I knew that she would be in good hands with Carlisle watching over her, and she wouldn´t have to worry about Mac, because our families would be there to take care of her._

_I prayed that by being away from the place where it all happened that Claire would be able to use this time to heal. Not wanting her to have to come back to a place where she would relive the tragedy day-in-and-day-out, I sold our condo, and found us another place closer to the university._

_Claire and Mac spent just about the entire length of my third year in medical school in Chicago. Thankful for her grandmother´s private jet, I was able to be with them whenever the mood would strike. Time went on and things seemed to be getting better. We talked about it, and as soon as the doctor gave her the green light...we were going to try again. _

_When my parents ended up moving to Seattle, Claire and Mac came back to Maryland permanently. It was hard having Carlisle and Esme so far away, but my father had already secured me a spot in their residency program at Virginia Mason, so we wouldn´t be separated for that much longer._

_My last year of medical school flew by in a blur, and before anyone knew it, the entire family was gathered together for my graduation. Crowned class valedictorian, and Who´s Who among Medical School Students, I´d managed to obtain a five year degree in four. To say my family was proud of me would be the understatement of the year. _

_The only dark spot amongst this otherwise happy occasion was my inability to get Claire pregnant. We´d been trying for months, but still nothing! Turns out that the tumors had returned and more-than-likely could be cancerous, this presented an entirely new dilemma. Claire would have to be monitored constantly and regular pap-smears were a must. _

_We had to be proactive and stay on top of things!_

_The more the doctors said, "No," the more determined Claire was to have another baby, and like the fool I was, I gave in to her obsession. Rosalie, my older sister, and her husband Emmett – who were also living in Seattle – were also having a bit of trouble conceiving as well, so when Claire found out that they were going to a fertility specialist, she wanted to go too._

_How could I tell her no?_

_By the time we´d moved to Seattle the following year, Claire had already had two more miscarriages. The last one was so severe that the doctors advised us not to try again. Blinded by the need to make her happy, I didn´t listen._

_With the help of the doctors at The Seattle Fertility Clinic, and in-vitro fertilization, Claire became pregnant again. Claire insisted that I continue to store my sperm as oppose to destroying the leftover specimens in their cryogenics bank just in case we needed to try again; reluctantly, I agreed, all the while praying that this would be the last time._

_Once again, things were going well, and I could finally concentrate on my residency. Despite my father being the chief-of-staff, I still had to earn my stripes. When I put on those scrubs and slipped on that white coat...no one gave two shits about who my father was. Sadly, I let my competitive nature and need to be number one takeover, and lost focus on the home front._

_Things were going to hell in a hand basket, and I couldn´t have been more oblivious to it all!_

_I was a fucking fool, and had nobody to blame but myself!_

_It started with me missing a couple appointments here and there, to coming home and being too exhausted to even give a damn about what was actually going on. Because if I had paid attention, I would have noticed that Claire was getting sicker by the fucking day! _

_And it had nothing to do with the pregnancy!_

_My dumb ass kept attributing the dark circles under her eyes, and the sunken colorless cheeks to morning sickness. She was literally dying right before my eyes, and I was too busy being a selfish prick to notice. I simply placated myself with the fact that she was pregnant and the nagging and obsession to become so had finally stopped._

_God, if I had just pulled my head from out of my ass, she could still be alive today!_

_As much as I wanted to be a father, there would have been no hesitation on my part to terminate the pregnancy if it meant saving Claire´s life!_

_We could have fucking adopted!_

_For Christ´s sake, she didn´t have to lose her life over it!_

_It was like déjà vu, I came home from a long shift at the hospital to a screaming toddler, this time wondering about the house in a soiled pull-up and a dirty sleep shirt. This, in itself, raised all kinds of red flags. Claire was meticulous in her upkeep of Mac. _

_I would even go as far to say that she had OCD when it came to the way our child was dressed, and Claire´s obsession with keeping Mac clean. A cold chill ran through my body, as I scooped up my daughter and made my way through the house to our bedroom, only to find it empty._

_For some reason, that I now attribute to her attempt at helping her mother, this agitated Mac further, and she began to scream, "Ma...Ma…" pointing a chubby finger towards the kitchen._

_Quickly, my feet made the decision that my mind couldn't and carried me that way. Nothing could have prepared me for what I found when I got there. Claire was once again lying in a pool of blood, but this time it was a result of broken glass and a gash on the side of her head._

_To this day, I still can´t tell you how I managed to get things under control and call an ambulance, but I did it all while still tending to my sick wife and a three-and-a-half year old. _

_When we finally reached the hospital, it seemed like hours before anyone came out to tell us anything. Finally, after what seemed like days, the doctor stepped into the waiting room. I could tell by the look in his eyes that it wasn´t good news. _

_How many times had I displayed the same look of defeat in my eyes when addressing a waiting family? _

_More than I cared to remember!_

_In a nutshell, they´d placed her in a medically-induced coma, because the pain had become unbearable and was causing the baby distress. "During her last visit to the doctor, Claire adamantly refused to try chemotherapy or any form of radiation because it might harm the baby." The doctor explained all this as if I knew what the hell he was talking about. "I´m sorry Dr. Cullen, but the cancer has spread to other organs and lymph nodes, and there´s nothing more we can do besides make her comfortable, and monitor the progress of the baby." He scratched his head and shifted uncomfortably before delivering the last blow. "Although, it´s not looking good for either one of them."_

_Cancer..._

_Cancer?_

_My wife has cancer?_

_Why?_

_When?_

_How long?_

_I couldn´t believe what I was hearing!_

_How could I be so fucking clueless!_

_How the hell did I not know this!_

"_When the fuck did Claire get cancer, and why the hell didn´t I know about it?" I barked at the man standing before me. "Why am I just hearing about this now?"_

"_I´m sorry, Dr. Cullen," the flustered-looking attending apologized profusely. "We´re still waiting for her primary care physician to arrive, I can only tell you what they´ve faxed over from her patient file."_

_Ripping a hand forcefully through my hair, my knees gave out, and my body crumbled to the floor. My entire world was falling apart around me. _

_All because I neglected to take care of my home!_

_**...ooOoo...**_

_Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months, and eventually, Claire´s body just rejected the fetus. In an attempt to save him, Thanksgiving morning, I signed a release form, giving Dr. Henderson, my consent to perform an emergency cesarean, in hopes that at least one of them would survive this painful ordeal. If I was being honest, I hadn´t even given much thought to becoming a father since the day I found Claire practically dead in our kitchen. _

_Baby boy Cullen – I just couldn´t bear to give him a name – was born at 9:30 a.m. November 24th with a mirage of complications. If he actually made it through the night, he would have a one in 99% chance of surviving past his second birthday. And even then, there was no guarantee that he would ever be able to have a normal life. _

_The odds were just stacked against him!_

_By this time, Claire was basically being kept alive on a respirator, and after watching her lay in that bed for almost two months, I made the painful decision to let her go; it had been selfish of me to allow her to go on suffering that long._

_They wheeled her in from recovery, and I gave my family and Katherine, a few moments alone with her while I made my way down to the neonatal unit. I could barely see my son for all the tubes and wires coming out of him. He was so fucking tiny, and helpless that it made my heart bleed._

_Once again, I´d failed!_

_As a husband..._

_As a father..._

_And as a doctor..._

_Looking down at the tiny, helpless, and nameless creature, I´d never felt like more of a failure than I did in that moment!_

_What kind of father am I?_

_I can´t even name my son?_

_I wasn´t fit to be anybody´s parent!_

_I was just numb..._

_Somewhere in the distance, I could barely make out Dr. Chung´s voice as he explained to me that in the past two hours, my nameless son had coded twice and was now on a respirator fighting for his life as well. _

_When it rains...it fucking pours!_

_At exactly, 8:05 p.m., precisely ten hours and thirty-five minutes after making his entrance in the world, my son, along with his mother, breathed their last breath. Once everything was disconnected, and I´d briefly held him in my arms and kissed the downy fuzz smattered all over his soft head, I laid him down on his mother´s chest watched through a flood of tears as he and his mother´s faces took on the most serene and peaceful looks. _

_Claire was finally happy. _

_Not long after that, a soft sigh fell from Claire´s lips, and a sweet-sounding coo from Baby Cullen´s little puckered mouth signified that it was over. _

_All this, and for what?_

_In the end, I lost them both..._

_And he didn´t even have a name..._

**...ooOoo...**

As I sat on the deck in my parent´s backyard with a Budweiser in my hand watching my little girl swim, while my son lay sleeping peacefully in his swing beside me, I can´t help but pinch myself. If someone told me two months ago, or hell, even two weeks ago, that this could be a possibility, I would have laughed in their faces.

In a sign of good faith, and compromise, I looked into schools for McKynzie to possibly attend this fall. My mother shared with me that Bella didn´t have a desire to return to Forks right now, and to be honest, I didn´t either. In lieu of that, Mac would be attending St. John Catholic School here in Seattle starting in September.

Our family was healing, and anything I could do to ease _or_ speed up that process, I would. I continued to work on myself daily. Monday morning, bright and early, I would start my new position as an attending in pediatrics at Seattle Children´s Hospital, all thanks to my father, who was currently the head of pediatric oncology.

I was lucky to still have such a strong support system.

My family, especially my mother, had been there with me through my darkest of days. Esme and I had become so much closer these past few months, and I knew that I could tell my mother anything; even my desire to see my children, and what being away from them was doing to me.

To say I was shocked as hell last Sunday when my parents showed up at Sunday brunch with McKynzie and Parker in tow would be an understatement. I hadn´t even realized that I was just sitting there staring at them slack-jawed until my little sister squeezed my hand under the table. "It´s alright, Edward," Alice whispered so that only I could hear. "Everything´s going to be okay now, you´ll see."

The moment my mother placed Parker in my arms, and McKynzie soon followed, the floodgates opened. I could literally feel the hole in my heart slowly closing as I sat there crying and breathing in the scent of my two beautiful children.

Piece-by-painstaking-piece, I was getting my family back. Children, unlike adults, were quick to forgive, so McKynzie and I were in a good place now. My heart swelled each and every time I heard her say, "Daddy." I´d managed to reclaim my place in her life as her hero. Parker was no different, it was as if we´d never been apart.

He truly was amazing!

The one good thing about turning thirty-one was receiving the most precious gift a man could ever receive. _A son!_ Parker being born on my birthday will forever be a bittersweet memory for me, and I promised that if it was the last thing that I did, I would make it up to him. Each and every year to come!

Lost in thought, I didn´t realize that my father had joined me out on the deck. "It´s nice to see you smiling again son," Carlisle said softly.

"Yeah, well," I started, staring down at my sleeping son. "It´s nice to _have_ something to smile about, luckily, I´ve got _two _good reasons to smile now."

"I´ll say," Carlisle agreed, tapping his beer bottle against mine. A few moments past between us before he spoke again. "Give her time son, she´ll come around."

I didn´t bother asking who he was talking about because I already knew. _Bella!_ She was the only thing missing from this otherwise perfect day. I´d been given a second chance at life, and I wasn´t about to fuck it up by pressuring Bella to give me another chance.

I was just grateful that she was allowing me to spend time with our kids. McKynzie may not have been hers biologically, but that didn´t stop her from going all _mama bear_ on anyone who tried to come between them.

I now know that I was wrong in trying to separate them, and no matter what, I could never inflict that type of pain on either one of them again. And, now that Bella was doing the same thing for me and Parker, I´d say it was progress; we were definitely headed in the right direction.

My sessions with Siobhan were going great! So much so, that I was only seeing her once a week now. I´d even spoken to her about McKynzie sitting in on some of my sessions; and possibly Bella, too, when she was ready. I was serious when I said that I wanted my family back together. And I was willing to do it by any means necessary!

Taking a long pull from the bottle in my hand, I looked down at my son, and then over towards my giggling daughter and replied, "Forever, Dad. If that´s how long it takes; I´ll wait forever."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Okay, so now we know what happened to Claire...not an excuse, but an explanation of sorts as to why Edward just shut down, and became the person he was before Parker was born. Will his efforts be enough to win back Bella, or has he lost her for good? Is he doing what´s best for Mac, by leaving her with Bella, or should he force her to come home? I would love to know your thoughts on the matter, and the chapter as a whole. I hope that I was able to convey Edward´s emotion properly. Until next time, leave me some love, and I may be inspired to pull another rabbit out of my hat! Review please!<strong>

**Krazi**

**Xoxo**

**Krazi´s Rec Korner:**

The Procrustean Bed by **gemini13me**

It Had to Be You by **PrettyKittyArtist**

Fatherhood, Formula, and Other F Words by **anhanninen**

Where There is Love There is Life! By **Heartfelt-Pen**

My Biggest Mistake, My Greatest Salvation by **LyricalKris**

The Girl in the Creek by **MandyLeigh87**

Always on My Mind by **Jess2002**


	11. Chapter 10: How About a Compromise

**AN: Knock...knock...anyone still there? I sure as hell hope so! RL´s been a biotch! Nuff said! Add to that a shitty computer and you have a serious lapse in updating, but here I am, so no use in crying over spilled milk! Now let´s get to it!**

**As promised, here you go 9696scarlet!**

**To my amazing Dream Team of talented ladies that continue to encourage me, correct me, and keep me on my toes...you girls KICK ASS! Thanks for all your help! Betas: Jess2002, princess07890, jdonovon & famaggiolo! Last but not least my awesome pre-reader: TeamAllTwilight!**

* * *

><p>A Real Family of Her Own:<p>

Chapter Ten

How About a Compromise...

**MPOV**

"Daddy, look," I screamed just as I did a perfect cannonball into my grandparents´ pool. I shot up to the surface like a rocket and fist-pumped as soon as I broke the water. "Beat that Uncle Em!" I challenged.

Dogpaddling to the shallow end, I gave my Daddy and little brother a toothy-grin. Parker looked so small snuggled up in Daddy's strong arms; I loved my baby brother so much, and couldn't wait until he was big enough to swim with me.

My entire family broke out into hoots and hollers at my challenge to Emmett. If it's one thing that my big goofball of an uncle hated more than a dare, was one made by a seven-and-a-half-year old little girl!

_No boy likes being outdone by a girl!_

_Even if he was like 200 years older than me, but I digress!_

_Silly boy!_

"A perfect _ten, _Sweetie," Daddy cheered from the sidelines, holding Parker snuggly against his chest. "Way go Sissy," he chanted, raising Parker´s little fist in the air toward me.

"Thanks, Chubs," I said in a sing-song voice, using the nickname that I´d given my baby brother.

"Now hold on there just a darn minute, Squirt," Uncle Em bellowed from the deep end of the pool, crossing his arms over his broad chest. "Let me show you people how it´s done," he threatened, spreading his arms in a way that indicated that he needed room. "Now sit back, and watch the_ professional_ in action!"

I had to hide my grin behind my hand as I moved further in to the shallow water of the pool to keep from giving anything away. Little did the _professional_ know that Uncle Jazz was waiting on the side to _assist _with his great performance!

Just as Uncle Em took off screaming, "C-a-n-n-o-n _Balllll..." _Uncle Jazz tackled him, causing them both to fall haphazardly into the pool. I laughed so hard, tears were streaming down my cheeks.

The look on Uncle Em´s face was _priceless_!

He and Uncle Jazz wrestled around in the water for a bit before Uncle Em climbed out of the pool and plopped down in a deck chair to pout. Watching him _huff_ and _puff _while his bottom lip jutted out like Chubs´ did when he was about to cry was definitely a Kodak moment.

"Awe...c´mon Babe," Auntie Rose cooed, sitting down on his lap. "You were so cute out there. My very own monkey man," she giggled as she kissed him loudly on the cheek. He growled playfully, causing her to giggle.

One kiss and all was right in their world.

_Too bad that didn´t work for all of us!_

Seeing Uncle Em and Auntie Rose so happy, made me want the same thing for _my_ parents.

Suddenly, I didn´t feel like swimming anymore...

Grabbing my favorite _Hello Kitty_ beach towel, I dried off, and headed inside, stomping all the way.

Ever since my daddy started seeing my Nana and Papa´s friend Dr. Siobhan, he´s been..._different_. Daddy actually _wants _to spend time with me and Parker! The only thing stopping us from being a _real _family was Mommy. She doesn´t know it, but I could hear her crying at night when she thinks Parker and I are asleep.

Lately, I´ve taken to sneaking into her bedroom at night with the excuse of nightmares; I know it´s wrong to lie, but it´s the only thing I can think of. Mommy just seems to sleep better when I´m in the bed with her and she´s holding me. I don´t know, it´s like she needs reassurance that I´m still there or something.

Last week, when Auntie Alice came to pick us up for our day with Daddy, Mommy was upset. I´d forgotten my jacket in my room, and when I went to get it and Mommy thought I couldn't hear; she started talking to Aunt Ali.

I know it´s wrong to listen in on other people´s private conversations, but I couldn't help myself. I hid in the hallway, listening, in hopes that I could learn something..._anything _that would help me put my family back together.

_"What am I going to do, Alice," Mommy sobbed quietly. "What if she chooses him over me? What if I push her too far, because I can´t get my shit together! Mac is just as much my daughter as Parker is my son, I can´t lose her, Alice...I just can´t!" _By now, Mommy's cries had turned to quiet hiccups, I'm sure in an attempt to keep me from hearing and Parker from getting upset_._

For me though, it was too late, I was already upset!

Stunned, I couldn´t believe what I was hearing!

Why would Mommy think that I would leave her?

And _who_ was I choosing over her?

I didn´t understand.

Thankfully, they didn´t keep me in the dark for long.

_"For starters, Bella," Aunt Ali whisper-yelled, "you´re working yourself up over nothing, Edward would never take McKynzie away from you! You have to know that by now!" Aunt Ali let out a huff, as she moved closer to stand next to Bella. "B, whether you believe it or not, my brother loves you, and he would like to make amends. Sweetie, he´s dealing with his shit! Edward has been working so hard to make himself better, and he´s doing all that for you…for his children…for his family," Aunt Ali sighed while collecting our things. _

_With her back turned, Aunt Ali continued to speak in hushed tones I had to strain to hear. "Bella, Edward is fighting so hard for you…all of you, but you´re going to have to meet him halfway, Sweetie. This won´t work if it´s one-sided." Turning away with a sigh, Aunt Ali shook her head sadly. "Bella, when are you ever going to see this situation clearly? You and Edward belong together; I just hope it's not too late before you realize that." The look that crossed mommy's face could only be described as one of pain and confusion._

_Satisfied she had everything, Aunt Ali turned to mommy, and in a voice that was barely a whisper, she said, "Sorry to be the one to break it to you B, but the only one pushing that little girl away is you! If she does choose to go back to Edward on a more permanent basis, you'll only have yourself to blame!" After that, Aunt Ali picked up Parker´s car seat and yelled, "McKynzie, let´s go!" _

_I stumbled out of my hiding spot, and wrapped Bella in a tight hug, whispering into her stomach, "I love you, Mommy! I´m going to miss you so, so much while I´m gone."_

_"I love too, Ladybug," Bella choked out, fighting back her tears. "Be good for Daddy, and take care of your little brother, okay?"_

_"I will," I promised quietly. Aunt Ali held the door open, waiting for me to leave, but for some reason; I just stood there facing the empty hallway. I couldn't make my feet move. In my heart, I knew that Mommy would wait until we left to cry, and the fact that she would be all alone saddened me. As much as I wanted to spend time with Parker and Daddy, I knew Mommy needed me more._

_Turning back toward my mommy, I ran back into her open arms and melted into her embrace. Softly, she stroked my hair, calming me with her touch. "I changed my mind," I said, wrapping myself tightly around her waist. "I don't wanna go; I wanna stay with you."_

_"Oh Sweetheart," Bella said, bending down so that we were now eye-level. "You don't want to stay here with me, I'll just be working and I have a few errands to run. You would have so much more fun hanging out with Daddy and Parker." She tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, and gave me an Eskimo kiss. "Besides, Daddy would be so disappointed if you didn't come. He's trying so hard to get better for us, Sweetie."_

_Hating to admit that she was right, I wrapped my arms around her, nuzzling into her neck. I took a big gulp of air, needing her warm sweet scent to ground me. Resolved to leave, I whispered, "I love you, Mommy," silently praying that it was enough to reassure her until I returned._

_Before I could turn away, a single tear slipped from my eye and with the pad of her thumb, Mommy wiped it away. "I love you too, Kynzie bug, now scoot," she said, giving me another tight squeeze and lightly patting me on my bottom, "Aunt Ali´s waiting!"_

_It wasn`t until we were riding down in the elevator that Aunt Ali looked at me and cocked an eyebrow, "Nice one kid, too bad you still forgot the sweater!"_

_Oops..._

_Busted!_

_I just shrugged noncommittally, looking down; I suddenly found the designs on my shirt very interesting. _

After that day, I made it a point to let Mommy know that I wasn´t going anywhere!

Ever!

That didn´t mean that I felt good about it. Because, let´s face it, no matter what or _who_ I chose to be with, someone would still be hurt.

And lately, I think it was Mommy!

More and more, Parker and I were being shipped off to spend the day with Daddy. Because mommy was busy with God knows what, for the past two weeks, we´ve spent every Tuesday and Thursday with Daddy, and that´s not including our family brunches on Sunday.

Mommy explained to me that she would be going back to work soon so she had a few things to get in order, but that wasn´t supposed to be until I started school, hence my confusion about now.

Where was she going every week?

And why couldn´t Parker and I go with her?

I was so busy trying to figure out the inner-workings of the minds of the adults in my life that I didn´t hear my Dad in. "Hey, kiddo," Daddy said taking a seat on the floor beside me, careful not to jostle Parker too much. "Whatcha doin', Kiddo?"

Parker cooed in Daddy´s arms, so I focused my attention on him instead. With my finger securely in my little brother´s grip and staring down at the floor, I asked, "Daddy, do you think you and Mommy will ever be friends again?"

Caught off guard by my question, Daddy coughed, causing Parker to jump. "Mac, Bella and I _are_ friends, Sweetheart."

I turned and gave him my best `oh really´ look. "Well, if you're such _good_ friends, why can´t the two of you stand to be in the same room together?" I asked, cocking an eyebrow at him in challenge. "We never have dinner together anymore, it´s always just one of you spending time with Parker and me at a time."

Grown-ups tell you it´s wrong to lie, but they´re always doing it.

_God, they´re such hypocrites!_

"Mac," he sighed exasperatedly, running his hands through his hair. A telltale sign that he was nervous and trying to choose his words carefully, "Sometimes, grown-ups make mistakes, and they need time apart, but that doesn´t mean that they can´t still be friends. There are lots of people that have friends that they don´t see every day, but they still care about each other very much."

Sitting up, I looked him square in the eye; I was determined to get some answers. "Daddy, listen," I said in a more serious tone. "I´m almost eight-years-old, I´m not a baby anymore. I know that Mommy´s still mad at you for making her have the baby early. Why can´t you just come over and apologize? Tell her that you´re sorry for what you did," I huffed in agitation. "You taught me to apologize when I do something wrong, and if I meant it...whomever I´d wronged would forgive me, and if they didn´t, they were never really my friend to begin with." Giving him a pleading look, I began to beg, "Please Daddy, just come over and apologize, I bet that´s all Mommy is waiting for." Then it hit me, if Daddy brings us home tonight instead of Aunt Ali, then Mommy will have no choice but to listen to his apology.

I hadn´t realized that I was crying until I felt my Daddy´s thumb brush lightly across my cheek. Just a simple touch from the_ one_ person who I knew could make this all better, turned me into a blubbering mess. "Please, Daddy," I wailed, startling Parker and sending him into a crying fit of his own. "Please...just say sorry, and make it all better...please Daddy, please..." I may have been laying it on a bit thick, but I was running out of ideas.

I was going to get my parents back together by any means necessary.

By the time this was all over, I´d probably be nominated for several Academy Awards!

"Oh Sweetheart," my daddy cooed, pulling me into his side. "I will! I promise, baby, I will do _whatever_ it takes to make it better!"

Gotcha...hook, line, and sinker!

Now all I have to do now is sit back and reel them both in!

Believing and clinging to every single word he said, I snuggled into my daddy´s side and cried myself to sleep. I was going to have to be well-rested if I was going to take these two stubborn people on.

**...ooOoo...**

**BPOV**

Looking at the clock, I groaned.

The kids would be home soon and I´d yet to stop crying.

Walking into the half-bath off the living room, I cringed at the reflection staring back at me.

I looked like _shit_, and that was putting it mildly!

Swollen puffy eyes, bright red nose, blotchy skin...I was a sight to behold.

_Or not!_

Thank God Ali was bringing the kids home instead of Esme. There would be no need for me to explain. One look at me, and she'd be off to the kitchen for the Ben & Jerry´s, all the while ordering me to '_spill'_!

Thank God for good friends!

_Even I had to admit that I was pretty pathetic!_

Alice was the only one I´d confided in about seeing Dr. Banner again. I was grateful that, when asked, Edward was more than accommodating and didn´t mind looking after the kids on the days that I had appointments.

I´d be lying if I said that he hadn´t changed.

All anyone of the Cullen's that found their way into my home at any given time of the day could talk about was the progress that Edward was making. Even I had to admit that Edward had done nothing but bend over backwards for me since Parker and I´d gotten out of the hospital.

But, something or someone should I say, was holding me back.

_I_ couldn´t let go of the past!

I couldn't move on with my life!

Some days, I felt just like a hamster on a wheel, spinning and spinning, but going nowhere!

And sadly, that included more than just my feelings about what Edward had done.

Long gone where the feelings of animosity and blame; in my heart, I'd forgiven Edward completely. Now, I was just scared shitless that if Edward knew about all of the things that happened to me as a child, when I was living with _her..._he wouldn´t want me anymore!

After all, it was my fault for being so stupid!

I should have done something!

I should have told Renee that I was scared of _him_!

I should have fought back!

I should have never let _him_ touch me...

Take what was mine...

What he had no right to have...

My innocence...

My dignity...

My pride...

My ability to love...

And trust...

That fucking child-molesting bastard took all that and so much more away from me!

The one thing, _my virtue_, which he hadn't stolen from me, was the one thing that I was too broken to give away!

_Hence the reason for my choosing artificial insemination!_

For me, letting the doctor break my hymen was less humiliating than freaking out on some poor unsuspecting soul that was just trying to get his rocks off.

What man in his right mind would want me?

_I was nothing more than damaged goods!_

How could someone like _Edward Cullen_ want someone like me?

_This_ was what I had secretly been dealing with!

_This_ was what had been keeping me up at night!

_This_ was what had been keeping me from telling Edward that I forgive him!

My own short-comings!

How could I forgive someone else, when I couldn´t forgive myself.

_I couldn´t let go of my own checkered past, so who was I to condemn Edward for not letting go of his?_

All this, on top of my raging hormones, was taking a mental toll on me.

When you're already missing a few cards from the old deck, post-partum was a bitch!

I wouldn't be surprised if, in the end, I was forced to seek in-patient care.

_With the way my luck was going, I´d probably find my ass in a padded room, sooner rather than later!_

My life was a fucking mess, and the sooner I stopped making excuses, the better!

That's precisely how I ended up back in therapy.

Unable to continue blaming _everything_ on my crazy hormones, I finally broke down and made an appointment with my former therapist when Ali pointed out to me, that I was the one pushing McKynzie away, forcing her to choose between me and her father. It would kill me to be the cause of a rift between me and my little girl.

So, I was getting some much-needed help!

_I was tired of fighting my invisible demons!_

_I was tired of letting that sick bastard control my life!_

_I was tired of letting Renee and Phil win!_

At the advice of Dr. Banner, I had given my demons a face and a name, and I was slowly beginning to let them go.

Each day put me one step closer to being worthy of the love and affection of a man like Edward Cullen!

My head, my heart, my body...hell, even my subconscious longed to be with Edward! Every night, my dreams were filled of us being a family, co-parenting our two beautiful children.

_Edward and I dating..._

_Edward and I making love... _

_Edward and I getting married!_

And the most recent, Edward and I smiling down at a pink bundle with mesmerizing emerald-green eyes just like her beautiful father.

Now you see why I needed to seek outside help?

_That beautiful fucker was haunting me at every turn!_

_And I wanted it!_

_Most of all, I wanted to deserve it!_

_All of it!_

And frankly, the only thing frustrating me more, was that I didn´t have the real thing!

_I was so fucking pathetic!_

**...ooOoo...**

Thankfully, my life was getting ready to change.

_Hopefully, for the better! _

Mac was slated to start school this Monday, and I would be heading into the office. And Parker, well, he would be hanging out with his nana Esme, no doubt being spoiled rotten all day.

Don't get me wrong, being a mother was my number one priority, but, outside of my children, my life still needed purpose. I had even started writing again.

Angela and Ben, my senior editor and CFO, had been doing a remarkable job with Strafford House, but I felt like I needed to get back in the swing of things and protect my children's legacy. One day, I hoped to pass on the reigns to either Mac or Parker, or both of them.

I felt like I needed to get back at the helm, and start running my own company again. Being the boss had its perks, and my responsibilities at the publishing house wouldn´t take away from my duties at home. I´d already had Esme contact her contractor to get the ball rolling on remodeling my office. If I so desired, I wanted to be able to bring my kids to work with me.

Being the youngest owner and CEO of such a large publishing ever in the history of mankind, gave people the idea that I was some sort of pushover. And you know what they say, 'while the cat's away, the mice will play'. Very few people knew of my return, and though I paid my employees a shitload of money to run the day-to-day operations, I _still _didn´t want any fucking surprises.

**...ooOoo...**

Sitting around the house watching a Dance Moms marathon, I was becoming restless. The two boulders that were passing off as breasts on my chest weren't helping either; it was way past Parker's feeding time.

Generally, Alice was very punctual, not to mention, considerate to my _needs_. So, when I looked at the clock and saw that it read half past eight, I began to worry. Panic set in, and instantly, my mind began conjuring up worse-case scenarios.

Had something happened to the kids?

Had Edward changed his mind?

Was he going to keep the children?

_No!_

I nipped those foolish thoughts in the bud before they could fester and eat-away at my mind!

Edward would _never_ do something like that!

And if something had happened, he would have called!

_Of that, I was certain!_

Tired of letting my imagination get the best of me, I decided to just put on my big girl panties and call Edward's cell.

We'd been texting back and forth lately, so, I didn't see where my calling would be a problem.

Just as I was picking up the phone to call, the doorbell rang.

_Hmm…that's strange. _I thought, getting up from my perch out on the balcony.

_Why didn't Alice just use her key?_

_Silly Pixie!_

Overcome with relief, I didn't give it a second thought as I padded across the living room to open the door. The closer I got to the door, the more I could feel my milk letting down. As much as I despised nursing in front of an audience, desperate times called for desperate measures and all. Alice could just have a glass of wine while she ogled my obscenely large rack.

_Not that she'd mind_.

Honestly, I think all the Cullen women had some kinky obsession with my breasts, but let them tell it: it was the beauty of bonding between mother and son.

I'd never admit that they were right, but I totally got it!

The feel of my baby boy taking his nourishment from my body, was one that I couldn't even begin to put into words. Each time my heart would swell, overflowing with pride at the thought of no one else being able to do that for him. _I_ was the one he relied for his nutritional needs, and I wouldn´t have it any other way!

Without a second thought, I grabbed one of the light blue burping rags on my way to the door. Prepped with the cloth draped over my shoulder, I was already freeing my leaking breast when I slung open the door. "Ali, where the heck have you guys..." I started only to have my words get stuck in my throat when my eyes fell on the scene before me.

Edward _fuck-me-senseless _Cullen was standing in my doorway, looking like sex personified with our beautiful son snuggled against his chest cooing softly in a Gucci baby carrier. No doubt, courtesy of one Mary Alice Cullen _soon-to-be_ Whitlock!

_Oh my fucking stars!_

Once again, my body let down, but this time, it was more than just milk!

The very sight of this magnificent Greek God had my panties disintegrating and my pussy fluttering.

_The man rendered me fucking speechless!_

After what seemed like hours of me shamelessly ogling my children´s father, _in their presence mind you_, I was brought back to reality at the sound of McKynzie´s voice. "_Mom,_" McKynzie called in a somewhat shocked voice, dragging out the three letters to make more than one syllable. "_Why_ are you standing there with your boobie out?"

"Oh shit," I hissed without a second thought, snatching the cloth from my shoulder and clutching it to my chest. Instantly, the temperature in the room increased and just like that of a thermometer, the color in my cheeks rose.

With my head bowed in shame, I mumbled my apology. "Oh God, Edward, I-I-I´m sorry...I was expecting Alice."

"Forgive my forwardness, Bella, but do you usually show my sister your breasts when you answer the door?" The humor in his voice had my head snapping up. Smug bastard had the nerve to stand there smirking at me! "Of course, I wouldn´t blame Alice for looking, they are _truly_ something to see!" Speechless, all I could do was stand there, opening and closing my mouth like a fish!

Did Edward Cullen just fucking flirt with me?

_Holy shit!_

My trusty rabbit would most definitely be coming out to play after the kids have gone to bed!

I was literally fucking panting after his statement!

Thankfully, Mac had skipped off to her room, and was no longer standing here to bear witness to my fuckery. Lost in thought, the sound of Edward clearing his throat sobered me quickly. This time when I looked l up, all signs of the previous cockiness had vanished. In its place, all I saw was nervousness and uncertainty.

"Um...uh...I," Edward stuttered and stammered self-consciously. "I-I´m sorry for just showing up unannounced, but Alice had some sort of emergency at the boutique, and well, Mac refused to let anyone else drive her and Parker home. So..." he let the words hang out there in mid-air, effectively tossing the ball in my court.

Realizing that we were still standing in the entryway, I surprised myself by inviting him in. "Oh my god, Edward," I apologized, stepping to the side to allow him entrance into my home. "Forgive my lack of manners, come in."

Parker took that moment to steal the show, and started to wail. Right on cue, I felt a warm rush of liquid surge through my body. "Looks like I´m not the only one interested in your breast," Edward commented slyly, unclipping the carrier and handing over Parker to me.

Wanting to keep the mood light, I decided to play along. "Well, like father like son," I retorted, cocking a brow. "Our boy is definitely a boob-man like his father!" It was barely audible, but I heard Edward´s sudden intake of breath.

_Humph…take that Cullen!_

_Two could play at that little game!_

_Way to go Swan! _My inner-diva cheered fist-pumping and all.

Already knowing the answer, I asked, "You mind?" I motioned with my head, all the while getting Parker settled on my breast.

When Edward didn´t respond right away, I looked up. Luckily, just in time to watch his Adam´s apple bob up and down as he swallowed thickly. In his defense, I may or may not have left my breast uncovered as Parker suckled happily, completely oblivious to the sexual tension surrounding him.

My eyes followed his movements as he tried to adjust himself discreetly, failing miserably mind you. Taking a seat across from me, Edward finally found his voice. "No, I don´t mind," he admitted. "I´m actually honored that you´d allow me to share this moment with you. Thank you."

Confused by his sudden gratitude, I had to ask, "For what? Why are you thanking me?" My brow furrowed in anticipation to his response.

As if it were the most natural thing to do, Edward reached over and smoothed out the crease in my forehead. "For what, she asks," Edward says, more to himself, than to me. Letting out a nervous chuckle, he continues. "Simple, for being a wonderful mother to our children, for allowing me to be a part of Parker´s life, and for hopefully, giving me a second chance; in a nutshell, for everything!"

_I was speechless!_

Yet I couldn´t find it within myself to disagree. And so, my simple response was, "Ditto." With nothing left to be said between us, we sat in comfortable silence while our son enjoyed his meal. Nothing had ever felt so right to me.

After putting our children to bed _together, _Edward and I returned to the living room, and talked well into the wee hours of the morning. And as he placed a soft, yet lingering kiss on my forehead before bidding me a good night, I felt something inside me shift. The cracks that had previously filled my heart were slowly filling, and it had everything to do with the beautiful man who´d just left me.

After making sure everything was turned off, the condo was secured and my nightly rituals were complete, I checked on the kids one last time before falling into bed. For the first time in months, I felt exhausted enough to just sleep.

The message alert sounded on my phone, and I rolled over to see who was texting me at this ungodly hour. Seeing Edward´s name in the little blue box, I slid the red arrow to right, and punched in my code.

**Bella – Tonight was nothing short of amazing! And I hope that was just one of many more to come! Thank you again for allowing me to spend time with my family...****_all of them_****! I promise, you won´t regret giving me...****_us_****, as second chance!**

**Yours,**

**Edward**

I smiled until it hurt, reading the message over and over again. Tonight, I decided to meet Edward halfway, and give our family a try.

Compromise!

We were going start doing things as a family!

The look in Edward´s eyes as he bathed our son, while I helped Mac get ready for bed was priceless. We moved about the condo like a well-oiled machine. Hearing my baby girl go on and on about how happy she was that Mommy and Daddy were working together brought tears to my eyes.

_Out of the mouth of babes!_

For once, I let my heart do the talking as I typed out a response.

**Edward – I must say, that I wholeheartedly agree with your assessment! I´m really excited at the prospect of getting to know you...the ****_real_**** you! I too look forward to many more nights like tonight! The look on our children´s faces was worth every moment we spent together. ****_See you tomorrow!_**

**Yours in return,**

**Bella**

Before I could set my phone down it chimed again.

**Bella – it´s a date – Edward**

That night I fell into a peaceful slumber, thinking about compromises and what that meant for me and Edward´s relationship. I´d taken a risk by letting Edward in tonight and so far it was paying off. Let´s just hope that things still looked the say in the light of a new day.

Maybe I deserved a shot at happiness after all!

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><p><strong>Thoughts? Questions? I hope everyone is as happy as I am that these two are finally talking! Thank you all for your continued support, love, encouragement, and patience between updates! I can´t tell you how much it means to me. Please, leave me some love, and hopefully, I´ll see you guys soon!<strong>

**Krazi**

**xoxo**


	12. Chapter 11: Baby Steps are Still Steps

**AN: I know, I suck, but I would never give up on any of my stories… Thanks for all the love and patience!**

**Happy Holidays!**

**Thank you´s are in order for my awesome DreamTeam of betas and pre-reader: jess2002, famaggiolo, and princess07890/RAH07890, jdonovan09, and TeamAllTwilight! Thanks ladies for keeping me on my toes! Love you all!**

* * *

><p><strong>A Real Family of Her Own<strong>

**Chapter 11**

**Baby Steps are Still Steps...**

**EPOV**

Things were, well, things were good.

Better than good actually.

_Fuck, compared to how they were, things were fucking great right now!_

Bella and I were talking, we were_ really_ talking.

Like, two or three times a day.

But that wasn't the best part.

No, the best part was that we were talking about more than just the kids; we were talking about us.

We realized that, no matter what, our children were our number one priority. So, Bella and I had been spending most nights together, and, somewhere along the way, we fell into a comfortable routine.

_Yeah, I could hardly believe it myself._

Every day, we shared in the responsibilities of our two kids, just like any normal married couple would. The only down side was that every night I went home, alone. It made my heart soar that Bella considered me to be Parker's father, and it was becoming harder and harder to leave my family to go back to an empty, cold, and lonely apartment. Until I was with my family permanently, my house would never be a home.

Several times a day, I wanted to ask the people I came in contact with to pinch me. Surely, this was a dream, and I was going to wake up any minute. I could only hope that would never happen.

Life was so much better now that I _almost_ had my family back!

Siobhan had commented several times during our sessions about the changes she was seeing in me, and how much she liked them. Hell, even my colleagues and family were going on and on about how happy I was.

_I guess my brooding all the time didn't go unnoticed._

In their defense, I had been a bit _difficult_ to be around at times.

And that was putting it mildly.

Lost in my thoughts, I didn´t hear the person approach until they were already speaking. "Dr. Cullen," a nurse I recognized from the ER, called out to me.

"Yes," I hesitated when I couldn´t remember her name.

"Beth," she answered, understanding my dilemma.

"Sorry, it´s been a crazy day," I explained, running a hand through my hair. "What can I do for you, Beth?"

"Dr. McElroy wanted me to find you, to see if you would consult on a case that just came into the ER."

Closing the chart that I was updating, I extended my hand towards that elevator and said, "Lead the way." My mind could use the distraction. I was driving myself crazy with thoughts of Bella, and the over-analyzing of our relationship.

_Relationship..._

_ Could I even call it that?_

At this point I was desperate, eager and willing to take whatever I could get.

Lucky for me, time for thinking was over, so I kicked into doctor mode, and left the rest for later. Beth brought me up to speed as we took the elevator down to the ER.

By the time my shift ended at six o'clock, I was running on empty.

Stopping at the Starbucks in the lobby of the hospital, I grabbed a venti cup of coffee with a double shot of espresso and headed to Bella's. My day was far from over, and, I needed a little pick me up.

It was Wednesday; my day for homework, and MyKynzie was waiting.

Ever the master _negotiator_, our little girl had made out a chart. You heard correctly, a _chart._ Said chart contained the specific days of the week that_ I_ was to help with homework, Parker, or prepare dinner.

_Yeah, our girl was definitely in the running to be the next Johnny Cochran!_

Both Bella and I had returned to work, so it was sometimes a struggle to adhere to the 'chart', but, so far, we´d been able to make it work. Neither one of us wanted to suffer the wrath of our little girl if we didn't follow her schedule.

Two-and-a-half months into it, and we were still going strong.

Of course, I will say that I do bend the rules just a wee bit. On the nights I´m assigned to kitchen duty, Esme usually prepares our meal during the day, leaving me with the task of heating it up, or I do take-out.

And before you condemn me, Esme does the _exact _same thing for Bella when she works late, so, technically, it's not really cheating.

**_~ARFoHO~_**

Thankfully, luck was on my side and there wasn't a lot of traffic. After zipping through the city, I pulled up to Bella's building twenty minutes after I left the hospital. Using the keycard Bella had given me; I drove into the underground parking garage and pulled into my designated spot.

Last week Bella surprised me by giving me my own key, access to her private elevator, and a parking stall, complete with my name and everything. To say I was shocked would be putting it mildly. Bella tried to play it off by saying, _"Everyone else has a key, Edward. Why shouldn't you? Please, just don't make me regret this." _It was her last statement that reminded me that we still had a long way to go, but, we were making progress.

Despite Bella's reservations, I determined not to fuck this up.

She was giving me a second chance, and _this time, _I wasn't going to blow it!

The closer I got to my family, the more butterflies swirled in my stomach. I was always nervous the first few minutes after I arrived, not really knowing how to act around Bella. But, unlike me, my girl was always as cool as a cucumber.

I loved how comfortable she was being a mother around me. Now, she didn't even bother to hide the fact that our son was getting his nourishment from her body. Sitting quietly at night, watching Bella breastfeed our son was one of my favorite times of the day. And, at just a little over five months, our little guy could eat. It seemed like every time I turned around Parker was hanging off of Bella's tit—lucky little shit!

_Jealous much, Cullen?_

_Damn straight I am!_

_You have no fucking idea._

**_~ARFoHO~_**

Unlike the elevator in the lobby, this one opened up directly into a hallway outside Bella's condo. The happy sounds of my family greeted me, as I stepped into the foyer.

"But, _Mom_," Mac whined, no doubt trying to convince Bella to go along with whatever crazy idea she'd come up with.

"No, Mac," Bella whined just as petulantly. "I am not leaving the house dressed like that." I could hear it in her voice, whatever it was, she was going to cave. I couldn't wait to see how this same conversation played out in, oh, say, six years from now. Bella was on the verge of caving like a house of cards.

_We always do._

Even little Parker had mastered the famous Cullen pout.

Walking down the hallway, I followed the sound of their voices to Bella's home office. For a minute, I just held back outside in the hall and watched, awed that this was _my _family. And to think, I'd come so close to losing them, _all _of them, some more permanently than others.

How could I have been so stupid?

How could I have let my stubbornness almost ruin one of the best things that had ever happened to me?

What kind of man abandons his eight-year-old daughter for days, without as much as a phone call, then shows up and rips her away from the woman she considers to be her mother. A woman, who has done nothing but love her since the day she walked into our lives?

A woman that I then turn around and rip to shreds with my cruel, venom-laced words?

That day, I might as well had ripped Bella's heart out with my bare hands and stomped on it, because that's exactly what my words did. Remembering the look of her fragile, lifeless body as we waited for the paramedics to arrive still haunts me. I swear I could feel her slipping away for me. Her _and_ Parker!

That day, I vowed to not only tell Bella, but also _show_ her how much I loved her, everyday for the rest of our lives.

Finally, after months of dealing with my feelings of worthlessness, guilt, and shame, I was ready to accept the blame for what I'd _done_, and move on from what I had _not_.

Claire's decision to continue with the pregnancy after she was told by doctors and specialists of all the risks was _not _my fault. I tried, my family tried, even our friends tried to talk her out of it, but she was dead set on having another child.

The past had already robbed me of so much, and I'd be damned if I let it have another day!

Too bad, it took me almost losing Bella and Parker, and MyKynzie turning her back on me to realize just how badly I'd fucked up.

For years, I avoided the fact that I needed help. I was a shell of my former self, missing out on my daughter's life, keeping the people that loved and cared for me at arm's length. Sure, I was present physically, but emotionally, I'd checked out after Claire died.

Lost, and wallowing in my own grief, I was headed for destruction. Had my parents not stepped in when they did, I'm not sure I would still be here today, taking advantage of my second chance. I smiled wistfully at the sight of my family.

_My family...I liked the sound of that._

I planned to work extra hard to make that dream a reality.

Shaking off the darkness that always enveloped me when my thoughts strayed to those terrible memories; I took a deep calming breath and stepped into the room.

Parker, who was busy chewing on a toy in his bouncer, was the first to see me. My little guy's eyes went wide and a drooling, toothy grin, a mile long, spread across his little cherub face. His arms and legs started flailing, and his squeals of pure delight pierced my soul.

_My little man was so happy to see me!_

Choking back the sudden influx of emotion, I quickly crossed the room, unbuckled the straps and scooped him up into my arms. "A yaya ya...yaya ya," Parker babbled as if he was telling me all about his day. "Ha ppp... ah ppp…" He showered my face with his excitement, but I couldn't find it in myself to care.

Hugging him closely to my body, I placed several kisses atop his soft unruly hair. Although we weren't biologically related, we shared a lot of the same traits.

For instance, now that he was older, his eyes had permanently turned the most mesmerizing shade of green, and in the sun, his hair had a reddish brown tint to it. Just the other day, we were out at the park and an elderly lady couldn't stop gushing about my little _mini-me_. My mouth was saying thank you, but my heart was screaming, _I wish it were true_.

I didn't give damn about DNA, Parker was _my _son!

"Daddy, daddy," Mac yelled, reminding me that someone else was in the room. "Please tell Mommy that these costumes are perfect for us!" Looking up at me with puppy dog eyes that got me every time, Mac whined. "You and Mommy said I could choose our costume, and this is what I want." My eyes followed her little out-stretched finger, and inwardly, I groaned.

Mac was pulling out all the stops. Not only did she have crocodile tears in her eyes, she also added lip quivering to the famous Cullen pout. As if the pout wasn´t bad enough, I could never stand the lip quiver; it broke my heart. Each and every time I saw it; I caved. Looking over at Bella for back-up, I could see her damn resolve had already crumbled. And, to add insult to injury, Parker took a look at his sister´s crumbling face, and his lip jutted out in the most adorably pitiful way you could imagine.

It was obvious to Bella and me that our children did not play fair; we were outnumbered and way out of our league. So, before any of this could get out of hand anymore than it already had, I pulled out my Amex card and told Bella to order the damn things.

Ten minutes, and several hundred dollars later, we were the proud owners of four monster costumes. That would have been fine and dandy if they were of the creepy variety.

Oh no!

Not even close!

Two days from now, I was going to be forced to parade around Seattle in a Sulley costume.

_Monster´s Inc!_

_For real!_

_Jasper and Emmett were going to revoke my already probationary man-card!_

I am such a fucking pushover when it comes to my kids.

...ARFoHO...

"Well, everybody's fast asleep," I said, coming into the kitchen where Bella was finishing up the dishes. "Guess I'll head on home." _To my cold and lonely apartment_, I wanted to say. Bella continued wiping down the counters with her back to me. I took that as my cue to leave. "I'm off tomorrow, so I'll be by to get Parker and take Mac to school in the morning." I turned to leave, but stopped when Bella started to speak.

"Do you want to stay? I mean, you can...if you want to..." She sounded so unsure of herself and I hated it.

Turning around slowly, I wasn't surprised to see that she was still facing away from me. Whatever happened in Bella's past had scarred her significantly. In a leap of faith, I walked over to where she was and loosely wrapped my arms around her. "God, Bella," I breathed into her hair. "You have no idea what it means to hear you say that, are you sure?" I knew I was setting myself up for her to change her mind, but I knew that once Pandora's Box was opened, there would be no going back.

Relaxing her stiff posture, Bella melted into my embrace. A silence fell over the room, and I swear you could hear a pin drop. After waiting for what seemed like an eternity for her to answer, Bella spoke, barely above a whisper. "Just don´t hurt me again, Edward...please?" My only response was to hold on tighter while releasing a breath I didn't even realizing I was holding.

"I´m sorry, Bella, so, so very sorry for what I did to you and Parker." I pushed past the lump in my throat. "I promise to spend the rest of my life making it up to you—both of you."

Turning in my arms, Bella cupped my cheek. "You already have, Edward. The past is just that, the past. You´ve given Parker something I didn´t even know I wanted him to have, you´ve given him a father. Watching you with our son does something to me. I—I..." she trailed off as a lone tear fell from her left eye.

Catching it with my thumb, I responded simply, "Touché, Isabella, touché. When I watch you with _our_ children, I _know_ this is where I´m supposed to be. I belong here, with you and our children. Thank you for giving me a second chance, I promise not to fuck it up this time."

Bella´s deep whisky-colored eyes bore in to mine as if she was searching for the truth. I knew the exact moment she found what she was looking for, because she lifted on her toes and placed her lips softly against mine.

The kiss wasn't long, nor was it full of passion, but that didn't stop me from seeing stars and becoming lightheaded just from her proximity. Isabella Swan was a dangerous drug that I planned on becoming addicted to.

We snuggled into the sofa, me with a glass of wine, and Bella with bit of CranApple juice, to watch an episode of NCIS. Later that night, I crawled into bed with Bella at her insistence. She melted into my embrace and was out in no time. For a while, I just laid there, watching the rise and fall of her chest.

_There´s no place like home_ was the last coherent thought I had before drifting off to sleep.

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><p><strong>AN: Thanks for reading! I hope you guys are still around. Leave me some love! It may take me a while to get to them, but I always will, right up until the very end. Looks like B &amp; E are finally trying to get their heads out of their asses! Lol…<strong>

**Krazi**

**xoxo**


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